Basement Battle

February: In and Out of a Lamb

2007-02-01T17:32:00.000-07:00

February is upon us like Kyle on a Newport. I'm not sure if any of the inflamatory pictures or remarks are on here are even reaching the right people any more. As we're all engrossed with Gears of War, work, or porn. I'm completley taken by my Nintendo Wii. I can't stop playing Zelda or creating a Mii for every occasion.

Though February JUST got underway, I'm looking forward to March. For a variety of reasons.

Or at least a duo of reasons. The first being that I'd like to plan a trip home during the first part of the month. Home being: USA! USA! So if there are any couches that would like to volunteer their ability to support my nude sleeping ass, please e-mail me.

Now. One of the few things I can see postponing my trip home? Guitar Hero II for the 360. I can't WAIT for this crap. Once I saw "Who Was in My Room..." by the Butthole Surfers on here, I was sold. I don't care if My Chemical Romance is on it. I don't care. I put mascara on and play. Lynard Skynard? I'll get in an airplane crash so that my brother can play.

I'm seriously counting down for this game. I think I might even buy a strobe light and a fog machine. You guys don't know how lucky you are that I now have the Live Vision camera for my 360. Well. Chris and Mila know how lucky they are.

I Like it Rough...Draft

2007-01-15T21:21:00.000-07:00

Time to break out some new Arm n' Hammer and set it inside the blog here. Things were starting to get a little stale and musty. Sort of like a story I started about a year ago when I had no internet. Just me, my computer and my thoughts. And also some messed up misguided urge to pen a story.

You see, I need a creative outlet. Whether it's drawing, playing video games or even this blog. Sometimes I need to purge myself. Other times...probably not. As evidenced in the story I began nearly one year ago. I'm going to post it here. You can read it. Give me suggestions, tell me how terrible it is.

But in the meantime, maybe I'll print off a few copies so I can be a published writer! Watch out resume!!

The following is yet untitled and has no further developments. Yet. It'd be nice if the one of you that still checks in here tell me what should maybe happen. Or something....

_________________________________________________________________

The shuffling was making me nervous. It wasn't the kind you'd hear in a casino full of geriatrics...nope, this is the walking dead style. The "I'm gonna eat your brains just as soon as my dead limbs can get to you" type of shuffling.

Don't get me wrong. I love zombies as much as the next guy. I mean, who WOULDN'T want to have their gray matter sucked out through their eyeballs?! Call me crazy, but I'm gonna at least make a game of it. I'll call it....hide n' seek. Yeah. That shit's original.
I'll just continue to hide behind this big oak desk while those motherfuckers keep up the Vegas act outside. Yeah. MotherfuckerS. As in "Holy goddammotherucker...there's some scary PLURAL shit goin' on out there!" Yep. Thoughts of hitting the snooze button and waking up to some Phil Collins keep going through my head. "I can feel it coming in the air toniiiight..." Phil Collins? You're a dick. Thanks. Like that song could get any shittier, I've now got it stuck in my head and I'm making lame associations about getting my skull cracked open with it. Why couldn't some freakin' Van Halen or something be playing? Why do clock radios only seem to pick up Classic Rock, Classical or religious stations? FUCK!
As I rolled out of bed I tried to keep a positve attitude. "Phil Collins? Not even Genesis? Jesus. Well, my day can only get better! Folgers, here I come!"
Nothing like a nice hot cup full of dirty ass and a bit of sugar to get your morning going. I find that I like it better than, say, brains. But hey, to each his own. And right now, these dead motherfuckers are DEFINETLY going for their own. No amount of Folgers will suffice for these guys. Maybe Starbucks...MAYBE. But only because they'd want to look cool holding the cup while dipping my frontal lobe like a fresh biscotti.
This morning feels like decades ago. Distant memories. Ones that don't matter, because here I am behind an oak desk trying to stay alive. Ol' oak desk and I have a very shaky alliance. It hides me and I...well, I'm gonna kick a zombie in the balls, then I'll probably slam it's head into one of the solid oak drawers till it fills up with some dead zombie brains. I'm pretty sure Oak Desk knows this and doesn't appreciate it. But what's he gonna do? He's a fucking desk.
My stomach rumbles. I've got a Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwich on my mind....wait....was that the door?
Shuffle....shuffle...
Shit. I can hear the mucus moving in and out of this assholes lungs...which brings me a thought "Zombies need air? What? They're DEAD." I'll be sure to ask him why he's breathing...
I jump out from behind Oak Desk...only to be momentarily repulsed by the outfit this cocksucker is wearing. Black t-shirt with fishnet going up his arms. Black mascara dripping down his pale skin (even paler now, he'd be so proud if he had an individual thought in his head). Black skin tight girl pants, which had the most repulsive affect: Male Camel Toe. MCT is an affliction of many of the Hot Topic set. So I guess this dude has been a zombie twice. Zombie²? Lame, dude.
I have no qualms grabbing the red stapler from Oak Desk and hurling it at Hot Topic's head. Which proved only to make him angry. Angrier than when he was alive and his parents wouldn't let him take the mini-van to the A7X show. He showed the first initiative in his life and came at me. I kept my promise to Oak Desk.
My foot buried itself right up in Hot Topic's MCT. Apparently zombies still feel pain.
As he went into a standing fetal posistion, I grabbed his hair and flung open the oak file drawer. It's almost like it was made for slamming a head in.
"ARRrrriieee! Please, STOP! My fucking BALLS!!"
Oh shit. Please. No. Don't take this away from me...God...Allah...Buddha...MTV...Please....
"Sob...owww ow ow...what're you doing....asshole...my...my balls..."
Alive. This stupid prick. Is alive. I guess his style had the desired effect. I thought he was dead.
"Why the fuck were you wheezing and shuffling?" I let go of the back of his neck, allowing him to stand up and properly clutch his injured MCT. "You just made me break a promise to a very close friend." I give a knowing look to the desk. Which is not returned.
"...wheeze....wheeze....I just...wheeze...ow...finished a clove when some of those dead things came after me...and these pants...wheeze...my balls were chaffing from the running..."
I don't think this dude had done any running since 8th grade Phys Ed.
"What're you doing in here? What're we gonna do now?! Those things were right fucking behind me!"
I can't believe this shit. This is why I never became a religious man. Because, God hates me. "What do you mean WE? Nevermind what I'M doing in here...and what does right behind you mean?!
It was at that moment that a rotting hand grasped the door jamb.
"Asshole." I'm talking to both of them.
The rotting hand is followed by a rotting arm which is attached to an equally rotten torso. On top of the rotten torso? You got it. A rotten goddamn head. The two dead eyes lock in on my live ones. Hot Topic still has his back to the door. I hate having a consience.
"MOVE IT!" is what I should have said. Instead I kick him in the balls and throw him behind me. The last thing I need is this dude getting in the way...or reproducing.
By now, I can see the drool hanging from the zombies chin. He's making his way toward me. All I wanted was some lunch. So I guess I can identify with this rotting round mound of flesh. But there's a few distinguishments between us. My lunch? Peanutbutter and jelly. His: Probably my brains. His weapon? Stiff arms and gnashing teeth. Mine? A desk fucking drawer.
Grabbing the computer keyboard from the top of the desk, I make a swift movement upwards. I catch this fat dead dick in the jaw with the "Esc" key. His mouth slams shut sending half his tongue to fly over my shoulder and his bottom mollars to shatter. I bring what's left of the keyboard across his jaw, cutting his jowly cheeks open to expose his new vegetarian mouth. It also allows me the oppurtunity to grasp the back of his head and bring a knee into his soft gut. I hear (and feel) the rotten intestines erupt as my knee continues up further than a live person would allow.
Then? An enormous zombie fart. Unbelievable. Fucking nice. At least the gut shot brings him to bend over...right above the desk. I press down on the back of his head (is this gay porn or am I killing a zombie?! JESUS!) guiding it into the desk drawer. I've got the angle. I'm in front of the drawer, while he's at the side. Doing my best Steven Seagal, I kick the drawer in. But something is in the way. Oh. It's a HEAD. The zombie sort of screams/chortles. The drawer rebounds back out. Begging to be kicked again.
At this point, the zombie is in no condition to stand up. His head is still in the drawer. I release the back of his neck, and decide to go for some style points.
One roudhouse(ish) kick later, I'm rewarded with a drawer full of brains, skull and blood. Which amounts to one dead zombie. Is that a contradiction in terms? Dead zombie? I don't care. I know just this one won't be bothering anybody...except maybe the poor bastard who this desk belongs to.
"...ohhhh....my fuckin'...baalllls....you...asshole...."
That's my cue to leave.

_______________________________________________________________

Hairy New Year!

2007-01-02T18:30:00.000-07:00

Wow. January. It brings the beginning of a new year. It ushers in the end of the NFL regular season. Huh. Now...something was supposed to happen at the end of the NFL season. Something...it's right under my nose. Hmmmmm...Chris? Do you remember what's supposed to start at the end of the NFL regular season? It was something that's you're supposed to keep hidden. Like, you must stash it. But in plain view. Josh? Kyle? Do you remember? Maybe if the three of you got together, you could come up with it. I'm pretty sure Chris knows...because it was his idea. I'm also pretty sure Mila doesn't.

Happy Holidays!!

2006-12-18T21:33:00.000-07:00

Losers! I'd NEVER Do This!!

2006-12-16T13:25:00.000-07:00

As many of you know, I work at a Toy store. Also, as many of you know, it's the holiday season. We're less than 2 weeks away from Christmas. And Chanukah is underway. Kwanza? Knockin' on the door. With all this going on, my work has been INSANE. I wish I could make that even more clear: INFUCKINGSANE. Jesus would be proud. I'm pretty sure whoever the Jewish guy is would be proud too. Jon Stewart? Yeah. Yeah, he'd be proud.

However, there's an even bigger religious figure that is grinning at his disciples. Who is this Holy Man? I'll give you a hint. If there were bumper stickers, they'd say "My Boss is an Italian Plumber". That's right. Mario. Mario's followers have been calling my place of employment for WEEKS inquiring about the Nintendo Wii. Literally 30 inquiries in a span of 5 minutes. "You guys got Wii's?"

"When you get Wii?"

"Herro, you have Wii?"

"Did you guys get Wii's in?"

On, and on. Well, we finally knew when we were getting them in. Saturday. Today. So we started telling people "Yeah, Saturday the 16th". It became Wii-Day. A day that will live in infamy. I started telling people to bring a sleeping bag and or a tent, because there's gonna be people there early. Some of those people laughed at me.

Well, to those people who laughed? I give you the above picture and my middle finger firmly pointed at you.

People showed up at 6pm to get their Wii's. 6pm on Friday. The day before Saturday...at which we open at 9am. This is also 3 weeks after the initial release of the Wii. PS3? What is that? We have some. But the interest isn't there. Not even CLOSE.

The above picture was taken at 11:45pm. I made a special trip just to confirm what I knew was going to happen. I laughed hysterically when I saw the tents peeking above the cars as I rounded the corner. It was also -8c. So to these people, I tip my hat. I also hope you can play your Wii without any fingers. Happy Winter Solstice!

Long Live Mario!!

One Week Later...

2006-12-14T16:00:00.000-07:00

Permanent Dentures. Permanent markers. Permanent hair removal. Even permanent flavored gum...or maybe that's peppermint. I now have a new found permanent. RESIDENCY!! Nope, not to be a doctor. Though I'd make the best one ever. Dr. Ryan, medicine woman. I like that.
One week ago, I was granted my permanent residency here in Canada. During that week, I've been congratulated by my new countrymen. I've also become very sick with what I can only assume to be SARS. Or Mad Cow Disease. Either way, it's just a cute way of getting hazed into the country. OH! Haha, I just coughed up my liver. You guys are great! Crazy Canadians.
But I haven't forgotten my American heritage. I couldn't even if I wanted to. I'm reminded every day by the people of Canada. Whether they're from here or India. They know I'm not from here. Or India. How? Either they have super powers, or it's the way I say "wagon" and not "way-gen". Or "Semi' and not "Sem-ee".
"May I have your zip code?"
"No. But you can have my POSTAL code. American."
Ahhhh, subtle nuances. Funny how close that is to nuisances.
You know what else keeps me feelin' my American pride? The new Me First and the Gimme Gimme's album "Love Their Country". All country songs with a nice punk rock reimagining. I felt a little guilty about the fact that I could sing along to "Earl" the first time.
Also fueling my American pride? My huge weiner...and ability to exagerate the truth.
Truths like the one I posted 2 down from here. About CODIII. Mostly I didn't get it. I got Gears of War instead. Thank God. I love the Locust. I'll be adopting a Locust baby here in the next few months. Hands off Jolie/Pitt!!
Also? Look at my demand for Joey Harrington to play for Miami. LOOK AT THAT SHIT! Dolphins? I'm waiting for your phone call and your apology to myself and my on again off again boyfriend Joey Harrington. Why won't you return my calls, Joey? JOEY?!!!
Completley off the subject, here's a list of bands I'm currently rocking out to. Possibly nekkid.
1. The Falcon (members of Slapstick/Lawrence Arms/Alkaline Trio...I can't stop listening to em')
2. Me First and the Gimme Gimme's (D..d...d...DESPERADOOOOOOO)
3. Ryan's Hope (Chris and I got lost in Calgary while listening to em'. Remember, dude?)
4. Los Straitjackets (Greatest. Christmas. Album....EVER. Thanks Conan!!)
5. Gatsby's American Dream (Just some good ol' indie scenster rock. I like it.)
6. Lagwagon's cover of the NOFX classic "Linoleum" (it's got a banjo. BANJO! Plus it takes like 30 seconds to download. Free. Rad.)
7. Scream! Hello (Piebaldish rock. Mi gusta!)
8. I'm sure Form of Rocket would be on here. But I can't find their new album "Men" anywhere. Fuck. I LOVE these dudes. But "Men" eludes me. Why can't I find "Men"? I looked online for men...I mean, "Men". I've checked the mall for "Men". All I want is to have "Men" in my ears all night long! WHY CAN'T I FIND "MEN"?!!! Not even iTunes. Form of Rocket? Please send me "Men." Please.
9. Your mom.
You may have noticed the change to the blog template. Or maybe you haven't because nobody comes here anymore. Either way, I'm gonna be adding some different pictures when I figure it out.
You know what would be rad? If any of the elite people who read this would send me some pictures. I don't care what of. It could be a turd in your toilet. It could be your turtleneck. It could be of the Christmas lights you hung on your house. It could be of a Silvertips game or your new boyfriend. I don't care. Just hook a brother up! I miss everyone!

Belated Zombieween

2006-11-02T19:32:00.000-07:00

Panda soup. That's what I suggested for a tasty Halloween evening treat...mostly because a little Asian kid was wearing a panda costume. Tasty.
We went to the in-laws house to hand out candy on a VERY cold Halloween night. It was totally Canadian. All the kids had huge jackets on. Before being thrown into the soup.
I revisted my zombie roots again this year and branched out with a bit more color and also popped my collar to be a "Fashion Zombie"...thanks Aquabats!
Anybody else do anything? Or are you all a buncha old cranky geezers? The kind that leave your porch lights on and answer the door nekkid and say "treeeeeeat". Nice.
Click the pictures and tell me what's scarier. I think the one on the right is...and I have no idea what that furry stuff is on my head from 2005. Man. Thanks, Dad, that shit didn't wait!

COD III

2006-10-19T13:10:00.000-06:00

As I prepare myself to go to work, I find my thoughts wandering to the very near future. November 7, to be exact. That's when COD 3 drops. Chris? Your bolt gun won't save you now.

Joey! Joey!

2006-10-02T00:09:00.000-06:00

Man, it's midnight. I just took a sleep aid to help me get back on to a normal sleep pattern (thanks work).
In the midst of (or as a result of) taking the sleep aid, I couldn't stop thinking about today's NFL events.
I swindled my brother in Fantasy Footbal. I'll probably still lose, unless Favre found an all night pharmacy in Philadelphia, that is. I totally blew my picks this week. Messing up my FIL's gamblin' picks as well as my credibility. Not to mention that I think I'm now the number one contender to grow a mustache. I'm counting on you hermano!
I also couldn't help but think of Mr. Daunte Culpepper and what seemed like endless possibilities when he went to Miami. I just thought they'd be possibilities of winning. I even kept him on board in my salary cap football league. Holy crap.
It could be worse. I could be Sports Illustrated. They chose the Dolphins to go to the Superbowl. No shit.

F.E.A.R. 360 = Scary Ass Crap

2006-09-29T16:05:00.000-06:00

Though the Xbox 360 still doesn't justify it's lofty price, I'm still a fan. The PS3 continues to shoot itself in the face. The Wii is gonna be rad, but I don't think it's going to take anything away from the 360. It's a totally different animal than the 360/ PS3 with it's crazy ass controllers and consumer friendly price of $250.
But I'm getting off the subject. The purpose and inspiration of these paragraphs is: F.E.A.R.
I just got done playing the demo. A demo that I downloaded for free on the Xbox Live marketplace.
I've got to tell you, I haven't been this freaked out (it's the freaking AFTERNOON) playing a game since the first Resident Evil, when those goddamn zombie dobermans (dobermen?!) crashed through the window.
The game was originally released on the PC. You might remember the commercials. It had one of those scary Japanese style little girls, a corridor of blood and TONS of explosions. This Xbox 360 port (port = console adaption) has all of those things. And that's just on the demo.
The game is a First Person Shooter (FPS) ala Halo or Call of Duty.
The weapons are so effing awesome. SO effing awesome. They range from standard to experimental. I got freaked out during one of my first encounters with a bad guy and pulled the grenade button (meaning to zoom in, thanks COD). The grenade made contact with the bad guy...and the small room I was in turned a nice shade of red. Dripping, splattered red. The shotgun seemed to have the same affect at close range. I also vaporized a dude from long range with some kind of badass sniper rifle that shoots lightning.
Do yourself a favor and download this demo. Do it after you're done killing me in COD2 and you're heading to bed. Do it before you leave to go to work. Do it while cooking dinner. You're not doing me a favor by getting this. I've got it. I crapped my pants and screamed profanities (this time I have an excuse). Do YOURSELF a favor and get this.
Oh, and the dude in the picture up there? I didn't encounter him, but he seems like a total dick.

Setting Kids Up to Fail: CFL

2006-09-27T16:47:00.000-06:00

Last Saturday I attended a CFL game. It was Calgary vs Toronto...or drunken fans vs Ricky Williams. It was pretty rad. Thanks again to the FIL for hookin' me up. Our seats were at the endzone. Pretty cool.
We saw Ricky get tackled. A lot. There were also a buncha girls who appeared to be going through some sort of hazing process. They all had outfits on that consisted of leggings, underwear on the outside, face paint and (most importantly) wife beaters with letters on the back.
When each sat next to each other in a certain pattern, the letters spelled (shockingly) a word. What was the word? F-U-K-C. Yep, but then the K and C chick switched spots and it totally made sense.
After half time when the opposing players (incuding Mr. Williams) ran onto the field the chicks turned their backs to the field, much to the delight of the opposing players. And us. Pretty effing funny. Now that I think of it, why the hell do I have 20 pictures of Ricky and none of this incident?!! Goddammit.

SOWWY!

2006-09-25T13:51:00.000-06:00

To my friends and brother who almost made me crap my pants last night. I realize this is apology number 2 (haha) to Chris. I laughed so hard at mine and Slag's intial apologies that my stomach (which has had a rough week) hurt. It hurt in such a manner that it demanded to be emptied. Immediatley.So I did.
My pajamas then begged me not to put them back on without taking a shower. So I did.
When I returned, everyone was gone. So, I'm sorry. I'll make it up to you by playing COD and giving you some easy ass kills.

Pre-Regret Syndrome (Fantasy Football Nerdness)

2006-09-16T21:14:00.000-06:00

I just need to get this out of my system. It's been driving me crazy for the last 2 or 3 days. Okay? Here goes: Randy McMichael and/or Jeremy Shockey are gonna have a huge weekend, and I didn't pick either one up. Nope. I kept Wali Lundy (who? exactly) on my roster instead. I started Kevin Jones instead of Ruben Droughns. Can you blame me there, though?
So, Ryan? When you see this come Monday. I told you so...you handsome, awesome kisser, you.

Disputed!

2006-09-08T19:08:00.000-06:00

Apparently they haven't met my brother.

Let The Games...BEGIN!

2006-09-06T16:08:00.000-06:00

Just a reminder to you smooth faced bastards: The NFL season starts tomorrow. That means you better get your picks in...or suffer the upper lipped consequences.
Go to Mr. Slag's place and get your bidness posted. Go. Now. Or forever suffer.

Congrats Chris!

2006-09-01T16:34:00.000-06:00

Congrats on your new tv, Chris! Now you can see me killing you in all 56" of glorious color! In other news: I'm moving in with Chris.

Addendum:
I just reread Chris' comment about getting a tv. Holy shit. I call dibs on the front row!

"Yeah, I bought a 56' TV yesterday. So get ready to be S'ing my D in a little COD."

Damn dude. You're house is bigger than I remember.

Dreams

2006-08-30T16:53:00.000-06:00

Sadly, my plans never came together. My robot had a lifestyle change and now lives (happily) with another boy robot. I don't really miss him. Except those lonely days on the moon. *Sigh*...I guess I'll have to get some space helmets for my cats.
But priority number one is going to replace that t-shirt. A Mill Plain Missles shirt. I'd pay fifty bucks for one. Or maybe I'll call one last favor in to my old robot....

HBD!!

2006-08-29T14:43:00.000-06:00

Today is a big day for the dude who was half responsible for me being here. Probably a few others that are here too. Happy birthday Dad! Love you!

I Hate Canadian Television

2006-08-28T17:40:00.000-06:00

In celebration of TSN (the wannabe ESPN) NOT showing Monday Night Football, I'd like to share the e-mail I sent them:

I'd like to thank you guys for taking away my Monday Night Football and showing women's tennis. Sure, you put MNF on the High Def channel (which is subscription). A wise choice. I mean, who would want to watch women's tennis in HDTV? I'd much rather watch sweaty dudes with boogers in HiDef...if I had a High Def TV. I guess I'll have to watch the highlights on the NFL network...or wait over half an hour on 'sports' centre. I hate Canadian tv.
-Ryan

The best part? The feed that TSN is showing is coming from the USA Network. USA USA!

Canola: The Hidden Evil

2006-08-26T16:51:00.000-06:00

TRADTIONAL plant breeding? I don't think so! Who'd want to 'r' her?!

Tourist Trap

2006-08-25T14:26:00.000-06:00

Me vs Nature

2006-08-25T14:21:00.000-06:00

I win. Every time.

RARRRR!!

2006-08-23T17:53:00.000-06:00

These sightings are becoming more and more common. Be on the look out for an angry, freckle covered, giant roaming the country side. Do not agitate him. Just leave your lighter and run away. This sighting is from from Seattle, WA:

" I haven’t seen Josh that pissed in a long time, I guess house projects do that to people..."

That's right, Angry Josh has turned his attention away from Xbox Live and is now focusing on house projects. Hide the hammers.

In other news: No Chin Ryan was seen fleeing the 7-11 with a Slurpee...and no pants.

NFL = National Furry Lip 2006

2006-08-23T13:48:00.000-06:00

Though this has been discussed between individuals, it's time to address the issue with everybody. I do believe Chris has delivered the best description of our wager. His e-mail is as follows:
Ryan, Josh and Kyle (will someone forward this to Kyle),

Let’s do the stache bet again!!!! Josh – can you set up your fancy spreadsheet again? I am predicting Karl repeats as the “champ”…

And I saw a bum take a diarrhea crap on the sidewalk yesterday on the way to work. He was walking and all of a sudden took his pants down and squatted on the sidewalk. I saw the liquid come shooting out – I seriously almost puked in my car. It was awesome.

Very Truly Yours,
Christopher Buttlicker
Janitor at Law

Now, I realize that last year's "champ" (Hi champ!) wants nothing to do with it this year. He wants to put money on the line. I say "Pfffft". We can do that ANYWHERE. But I don't think Vegas has mustache bets. I think you can order a mustache up to your room...but I don't think there's wagers.
We've got about 2 weeks to get this together. I'm totally. Down.

Last Year's Winner: Karl!

It's So Easy! Happy Go Lucky!

2006-08-21T13:42:00.000-06:00

Yatta! Yatta! Yatta!
I've found Karl's new favorite band. Do yourself a favor. Click this link. Go get something to drink. Now play the video. Just make sure you're not drinking anything while you watch it. You might ruin your keyboard. YATTA! YATTA! YATTA! Now excuse me, while I practice my Yatta! dance. I'm serious.
It's so EASY!!

A Familiar Face!

2006-08-15T17:12:00.000-06:00

This last Wednesday, I was visited by an angel. By 'angel' I mean 'unshaven, Jesus Juice swilling, badmitten cheating American. The man in question? My homey of over 2o years...Chris!
He was kind enough to choose me over a big screen television. Sucker.
It was an awesome time. Spent playing badmitten, hanging out, watching the Seahawks get beat up and playing video games. Lots of video games. If you have an X-box360, do yourself a favor and download Geometry Wars. You won't be disapointed...or sane. The trial is free...so do it.
The visit was definitely something that I needed. A fellow American to chill with. Somebody to rage about Canadian tv with (half hour for NFL highlight?!! EAT A DICK 'Sportscentre').
So I just wanted to extend my thanks again to Chris for giving me some summer highlights.

Do I really need to say it?

Chris enjoying a victory shuttlecock in the ass. Just like usual, he brought it home from Wal Mart.

Pee Wee?

2006-08-08T17:32:00.000-06:00

Here I am at the World's Largest Dinosaur. For three bucks, you can climb to the top of him. Stand in his mouth and BEHOLD! DRUMHELLER!! Actually pretty cool. And, yes. Yes my shirt DOES glow in the dark.

BUUURRRRRRRRRRRITO!!

2006-08-08T14:59:00.000-06:00

While in Lethbridge (should maybe think of changing the name to Methbridge) we ate at a Mexican food place. I haven't had good Mexican food since I've moved up here. Now, it could be that we were within an hour of the States, but this place was GOOD. Pictured above is me with my "meal". Holy shit. I had NO IDEA what I was about to endure. At first I laughed, thought it was cute.

Does this look cute? Yeah, I'm watching my cholesterol...skyrocket. I keep that dolla dolla bill in my wallet. For purposes such as this.

Yeah, so I should be typing this from the hospital. I ate that WHOLE EFFING THING. The amazing part? Not that gassy.

No Girls Allowed

2006-08-07T21:49:00.000-06:00

Butt Rock

2006-08-07T21:44:00.000-06:00

Was this picture worth the run down a possibly rattle snake infested hill? Then back UP said rattle snake infested (maybe) hill? YES. As soon as I saw those butts, I knew I had to risk it. How do I spell hero? R-Y-A-N.

Litter Box

2006-08-07T21:36:00.000-06:00

Coyote

2006-08-07T21:24:00.000-06:00

The belt will be MIIINE!!!

WE DO!

2006-08-07T21:09:00.000-06:00

HOODOOS!!! Dude, I freakin' LOVE Hoodoos. This park was FULL of them. Hoodoos are soft sandstone pillars that have gotten their ass kicked by wind, rain and magic over the years. The hard sandstone then hangs around and sits on top of the pillars. Pretty rad.

Expanses of NOTHINGNESS

2006-08-07T18:08:00.000-06:00

Nope, this isn' the Neverending Story. No wish dragons. No crumbling castles, no Fred Savage...dammit. This was the trip from Calgary to Lethbridge/Writing on Stone Park. It was like drive across Wyoming...except Canada. Oh, and that's my new Seahawks hat. YES!

Dino Sores!

2006-08-07T17:56:00.000-06:00

Oh man! Look at that sign!!! AND FLAGS!! WOOOO!!!! Are those flowers?! HOLY SHIT THEY ARE! Oh my god, this soooo worth the 5 hours we just drove!
So, yeah. Doubt was running rampant. But....

Eat it, Ricky Bobby

2006-08-04T00:33:00.000-06:00

I like Will Ferrell...in fact, I may even love him. I must. For I forgave him for Bewitched as well as Kicking and Screaming. But, goddammit, he's really pushing me with this whole Talladega Nights shit.
At first I was pretty excited about seeing it. I think I saw (Jesus, there's a preview AS I TYPE THIS!!) the cardboard cut out of him wearing the racecar driver suit when we saw Superman Returns. I remember saying "Cool, a new Ferrell movie...I haven't even HEARD of this one yet!"
Well. Somebody must've been listening. Because those assholes are making up for lost time. I was looking forward to the movie. But now I'm pretty sure I've seen the whole thing on t.v.
Drive with a cougar, not paralyzed, help me Tom Cruise, you're not on fire, feel the road, walker and texas ranger....I'm gonna LOSE IT!! I GET IT! IT'S A FUCKING WILL FERRELL MOVIE!!! HE HAS A NEW MOVIE!!!!! THANKS FOR RUINING IT!!!!!! ....but I still laugh when he jumps up and blocks that shot from the dude in the wheel chair. Maybe if I wait five minutes I can see it again.

Breaking Out the Leg Warmers

2006-08-03T16:46:00.000-06:00

BEFORE:

I done tol' y'all I was gonna ride my bike. I did it. I even wore a helmet. I felt like Chris in the 6th grade...damn, he was cutting edge. Rockin' the helmet before it was COOL to rock the helmet. Had I known I'd look so cool in a helmet, I'd've (haha! double apostrophe!) continued to wear one during my day to day activities. Just like the doctor told me I had to.

So I rode for about half hour today. I struggled too. All the more reason to continue on. We've actually got a pretty rad neighborhood to ride around in. I even played the part of the asshole bike rider who uses the turn lane...with hand signals!!

AFTER:

Man, I was SWEATING! Not shocking, I know. But man, it felt good. I'm hoping that doing this activity thing will help with my cholesterol and get me a little less soft in the middle. Though I've completely lost hope for having a defined jaw line. GOBBLE GOBBLE! I'm thinking maybe once I'm feeling better, I can go hang out with Mila at TIT.

Because you LOVE it!

Resolutions n' Updates...Resupdateolutions!

2006-08-02T11:09:00.000-06:00

Wow. 2006...it's already here?! Wait...it's August? Time for some New Year's Resolutions!!!As I sit here at my new lil' Ikea Robin desk (desk!), I feel my pants tighten. Nope, not there. Though if I look at that picture long enough, they WILL get tight there. Y'see, I've grown stronger over the last couple of months. I can feel it. I can even see it in my arms...soon I'll be the champ. Hulk, you better look out. Y'see, this job has helped in the strentgh department, but not in the cardio/hair growth department. I'm actually in the worst cardio shape of my life. No Josh to dunk on while playing basketball. No Chris to...umm...Chris? How's YOUR cardio? Kyle?!! ARE YOU BREATHING?!!! No, walking to Jack in the Box doesn't count. Sorry.Anyway, lifting granite isn't as awesome as it sounds. Shocking? I know, I know. So I'm gonna get my ass outta this 30 year old slump. Resolution numero uno?
1. Get my ass MOVING again. Due to my twisted ankle in an earlier attempt at playing basketball, I haven't been able to. But the ankle is better now. At least, that's what my gut is telling me. Because I can't see my ankle. The gut is assuring me that's it's okay though. So I'll be dusting off the ol' yellow bike and terrorizing my new neighborhood.

Are you ready ass? Let's go.

I've also been neglecting some other things other than myself. What might that be? Why, you. YOU dear reader. I apologize for leaving you in the car with the windows up on that hot summer day. But daddy HAD to go into that business establishment for a couple of hours. I know it was hot in there. But imagine how I felt knowing you were locked in that car while I had to make a decision whether or not to double down. It pains me.
It also pains me that I've neglected the blog so much recently. Funny how getting a job and an Xbox360 (still a lame name for that machine) can put a damper on typing shit. NO MORE! Why? Because Call of Duty is losing it's luster. Hahahahahahhahahaha!!! How is that possible after playing only once week? Well, sheeeee-yit, that ties into my next resolution! More video games. That's right. I've wasted too much time in between activity/non activity. In the middle. Which has resulted to more in the middle of me. MORE biking/running (from the cops) and more video games with my homies. I'm hoping they'll see the light and pick up some Perfect Dark. As if I've had a bad idea YET. Let's GO boys.
2. More blogging.
3. More video games. I'm working on it. It's a resolution. Eat a d.

I'd also like to resolve to have penis reduction surgery. MAN! It's getting so hard (hahaha!) to walk with this thing!
I've also gotta eat healthier. That's TOTALLY cliche, I know. But it's a fact. I went to the Doctor to ask him about that reduction surgery and he told me not until I get my cholesterol down. I'm like 32% above normal he said. And I'm all like "Look doc, I KNOW. That's why I need the surgery. Besides, I'd say I'm closer to 40% above normal...look at it!"
After he slapped me, he told me he was talking about my cholesterol. So my cholesterol is 32% above normal. My question is this: Can I get superpowers from having higher levels of cholesterol? I'll let you guys know.
4. Eat more. Healthy. Eat more healthy. Is Crisco healthy?
How can this possibly be bad cholesterol?

Let's see here...what else...ummm...OH! I resolve to whoop ass in my fantasy football league (AGAIN) this year. I also resolve not to grow the stache' this year.
5. Keep kicking ass.

I also resolve to keep downloading music. Legit style. I hate you iTunes...wait...come back here. I love you baby...here's ten bucks, gimme some good music...
6. Keep rocking while kicking ass.
I think that's it for now. What else? Help me out here. The flood gates are....OPEN!!! (just like Chris' butt cheeks).

Whetting...

2006-07-03T16:59:00.000-06:00

More to come...

2006-06-01T19:48:00.000-06:00

Moments later, I landed on Karl from the top rope. He sees me comin'...and who says smoking isn't cool? This picture changed my mind. Gimme a pack of Players!

Bad Dog!

2006-06-01T19:46:00.000-06:00

Here's another pic from Canada Olympic Park (COP). I was trying to get rid of my worms. Kyle sucked in his gut for this picture. Fit!

Birfday Dance!

2006-05-28T21:56:00.000-06:00

That was the Chippendale's last balloon...hence the smile.

The Dark Side

2006-05-28T21:50:00.000-06:00

A lonely Darth Ryan contemplates the years to come...(thanks for the shirt, Ted!)

Oh What A Feeling!

2006-05-28T21:48:00.000-06:00

Did I just buy a Toyota?

Begging...BEGGING for a Photoshop

2006-05-28T21:47:00.000-06:00

Thtrike a Pose!

2006-05-28T21:41:00.000-06:00

Mi hermano and I lookin' GORGEOUS at the Olympic ski jump. This is aboot 2 weeks ago. How time flies...

Three Oh

2006-05-25T00:16:00.000-06:00

Yeah, it's been a bit. S'what happens when everyone plays Halo online I guess. Everybody stops comin' here. I just got home from my 30th birthday bbq. Holy crap. Awesome. Except for the part where my voicemail isn't working. Sooooo, yeah. Thanks Telus! Cocksuckers! But I'm thirty now. So I'm mature enough not to call them names.
Cocksuckers.
There will be pictures. Oh yes. There will be pictures. Thanks for the shout out, pop!

Gandalf n' Friends

2006-05-05T15:26:00.000-06:00

"The mountains? Pffft, such PUSSIES! I hate those assholes, always going on about how they're SOOOO good at soccer. Everyone knows soccer is for stupid Euro pieces of crap. If I saw those mountains I'd bury my foot so far up their sedimentary asses, they'll think I'm the second coming of the glacier that put em' there! Oh man, I'd kick their stup...they're right behind me...aren't they. Shit."

Workin' Man

2006-04-27T09:24:00.000-06:00

Cutting up my arms. Waging a war against weeds. Peeing in Hefty bags. That's my life now. Not that you bastards are paying attention anymore. Get your asses up here.

Sexy!

2006-04-18T13:58:00.000-06:00

The goats had a real taste for peanut butter. Those pants? Chaps. Underwear? Nope.

Nature!

2006-04-18T13:53:00.000-06:00

Here's a rare picture of a cloud mating with a mountain. The gestation period is like a year. At which point the mountain will give birth to some kind of freakish mountain cloud. Cloudtain...yeah. It'll probably take over the world.

Betta Gitchoself a Jobby Job!

2006-04-18T13:48:00.000-06:00

Would YOU hire this man? No? Well, that's because you're (probably) a stupid American. I have been FLOODED with phone calls from employers up here. Surprisingly not many are from truckers looking for 'company'. Nope. I had a second interview at UPS...that I ditched. What can Brown do for me? Pffft, NOTHIN'! I took a job with my first interview. At a landscaping company. Yep. That's me practicing my landscaping skills up there.
Watch out record store! Watch out Pokemon store! I now have disposable income! Starting tomorrow. PiiiiiiiiikaaaaaaaaCHOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Life Is Fast. So Are Cats.

2006-04-13T11:31:00.000-06:00

Breaking News: This weekend Angela and I are headed to Banff. I've got a mark up there that needs to be knocked off. Plus it's our one year anniversary...WOAH! A freakin' year on Easter. I knew Jesus loved me. He's totally gonna give us a hollow bunny for our anniversary. The in-laws have been kind enough to provide us with cards and meal money. Hell yeah! I'm super sizing my fries!
So not only are we celebrating the fact that Angela has had an endentured servant for almost a year, we're also celebrating an end to that exciting run. You see, my WORK PERMIT arrived in the mail yesterday!!!!!!! EAT IT CANADA! You have no idea what you've just unleashed upon yourself. I'm gonna pay the SHIT outta my income taxes. I'm gonna pay em' so hard. I've also got an interview with a landscaping company tomorrow. Haha! I feel my Mexican brothers plight more and more every day. No. Kyle's not Mexican..it's a just a figure of speech.
What does all this have to do with me eating Owen's brains? Nothing.

That's Where I Came From!

2006-04-13T11:24:00.000-06:00

Apparently my dad is smuggling range balls. We can see your golf bag, dude!

Pop In Palm Springs

2006-04-13T11:21:00.000-06:00

So, my pop is taking some man time down in Palm Springs. Shaved his head, hooked up the trailer and hit the road. Above is a picture of him begging for change on a local Palm Springs golf course. I think Palm Springs is also Chris' stage name.

True Face of DOMINATION!

2006-04-10T13:51:00.000-06:00

I recently subscribed to XBox Live. I thought it was different. I guess I had XXX Box Live in mind. But this is pretty cool anyways. My brother, Chris and Josh (finally!) have been playing TONS of Halo2 online. It's totally nerdy, but rad. I can talk shit from a different country! Above is a picture of me rockin' your ass with my new haircut in my sauna (that carbonite totally doesn't melt!). A glimpse into the future perhaps? Thanks Dad!
Oh, and I have to give props to Josh. He actually had to buy an XBox to partake in these events. Good job, man. That took some cojones.

The After Party

2006-04-10T12:05:00.000-06:00

Much to my chagrin, I wasn't able to go home (thanks immigration!) to see Chris for the big three oh. The nice thing? I went to the zoo on his birthday and he was THERE!! It was awesome to see him. I even sung him Happy Birthday. He just threw his poop at me and ate sunflower seeds. Good to see he hasn't changed.

The Thirty Trifecta

2006-04-05T15:29:00.000-06:00

Mortality be damned! My amigo Chris turns 30 in just a few days. Myself and Slag are shortly to follow. I think we've defied the odds. None of us are dead. None of us are in prison (anymore). To celebrate, I'm creating Chris' gift. I hope to have he and Slag up here soon so we can do a Dirty Thirty bash. Maybe in June we can even have a Vegas redux? By then I should be legal! WOOO! Now I know how the Mexicans feel. I'll be leading a march up here this week.
Anyway, here's a couple of pictures of my homies and I from the past year. I miss you guys!

Fire Up the Barbie!

2006-03-30T02:09:00.000-07:00

After the last picture, my camera's batteries were being bigger bitches than the sun. They're not even STARS! Not red dwarf. Not gas giants. Nothing. Just batteries. Bitch ass batteries. It's a shame too, because there was a dead squirrel laying next to a stick that was begging for some close ups. Instead, I was able to come up with an Engergizer/Generic Battery combination for one last picture. Can you spot the Barbie head in the grass?
I can. Right after I took the picture, some dude skull effed it. Sick man.

Spring Has Sprang

2006-03-30T02:00:00.000-07:00

As promised, here's a picture from one of our bike rides. This is like ten minutes away from our place. Freakin' beautiful. The weather is getting nicer here and the bike trails will be seeing much more of my fat ass. So will you.
I was so excited about taking this picture, I saw the trees casting the shadow on the ice in front of them. I was all like "Oh man, that's soooo cool!" So we stopped peddling and I busted out the camera. Only to have the sun hid behind some clouds. "HEY! Mothafawkin' SUN! YOU HEAR ME? Getcho pansy ass out here! 'Wooooo, I generate nuclear fuuuuuusion'...fuck you! Generate your nuclear fusion on these trees, bitch!" Then, it did. And I took the picture.

Don't Remove the Feeding Tube!

2006-03-27T14:42:00.000-07:00

The doctors have done it. SUCCESS! I've been successfully brought back to a vegetative state! After lots of actual activity, I can now return to typing on the blog. Just in time too. I was treading dangerously close to Slag territory.
So what the hell have I been doing?
1.Okay. I've actually still been in a vegetative state. That whole thing about the doctors? A lie. No doctors. I just wish I'd have realized they weren't doctors before I drank that 'medicine' and let them 'take my temperature'. Oh well.
As my brother, Chris and many children can now attest, I've been playing Halo2 on Xbox Live.
Just like wearing underwear, I'm late on this bandwagon trend. Okay. I'm still late on the underwear one too.
There's no better way to stay close to far away friends and family, than to kill them and then mock them after you've defaced their dead pixelated bodies. I'm still waiting for for the friends part to get their asses online though. They've been FAR too busy visiting Centralia instead of getting their shit together so we can kill each other. Shockingly, my brother acted almost immediately to the proposistion. The same dude who still has Chris' and Josh's Xmas presents. While we wait patiently for Josh to get an Xbox and for Chris to get internet at home, Kyle and I will continue to bask in the glow of gunfire.
2. I've also been rockin' out.
Over the last 2 or 3 weeks I've come into the posession of no less than 8 cds. Over half of them coming from my Pop. That's right. Our Amazon order finally came through! THANKS POP!
Due to my financial situation, my cd purchasing has been experiencing a bit of a drought. But now? Look out Noah, it's a mutha fuckin' FLOOD!
Just as parents do with children, I have my favorites.
Bigwig- The new Bigwig album? Holy shit. So good. So angry. I hope Slag is enjoying it as much as I am, since he turned me on. To Bigwig. Turned me on to Bigwig.

NOFX- The new EP is classic NOFX. I can't WAIT for the new full length coming out in April. It's not gay. I mean, being RELEASED in April. Not that there'd be anything WRONG with that.

Pistolita- I love this album. If these kids keep at it, they'll probably have some success. They're already signed to EastWest records (an 'incubator' imprint of Warner Musicl). It reminds me of early Smashing Pumpkins at times, Murder By Death at other times. Just something anybody can kinda step into without being familiar with the band. Lots of piano and cellos...or violins. Some shit like dat!

The Delegates- I'm rockin' out to this RIGHT NOW. They've given Bigwig a run for their money as far as ppd (plays per day, dumbass!) for me. It's reallllllllly good. I've read some other reviews of the album and they're spot on with the comparisons of early Less Than Jake with some Clash thrown in for good measure. Awesome album. It's ska without being ska...very few upstrokes. Just straight up rock yo' ass gee-tar n' horns. They also cover the Roots song 'You Got Me'. Which is actually now one of my favorite songs on the album. I won't even mention the fact that they're from Canada. I didn't know till after I got the album. I was tricked. But you know what? It's still rocking my ass right now!

p.s. Will you check any of these guys out? Probably not. Why? Because new things frighten you. But if you overcome your fears (you really should, people are beginning to stare) you can click on the links up there. Seriously. Open your effing mind.

3. I've also been mourning the loss of Arrested Development. I look forward to purchasing the 3rd season DVD set in April. But that doesn't make up for the fact that it's gone. But last night there was a light that shone through the dark void left by the Bluths.
I don't know how the marketing is for this show in "The States" (eat it Ted!). But up here, I haven't seen SHIT about it. I just happened to catch it by accident last night. See what I'm doing? I'm FOX! I'm talking about the show, without actually telling you what it's called or when to see it!
Okay, okay. It's called Free Ride. Even though I missed the first five minutes, I still watched it. Freakin' hilarious. As far as I can tell it's about a kid who moves from L.A. back home to some hick town. He lives with his parents. His dad doesn't wear pants (Pop?) and his best friend is a metal dude who plays bass in a Christian band "They're the only band in town!" Holy cow. The band is my favorite. Singing about Intelligent Design..."are you gonna come pray with us?"

4. Riding my bike. I love that shit. I'll post some pictures from my bike rides this week. Aren't you excited?! I am. The best part about riding bikes is getting that line of mud up your back, then shitting your pants and saying that it's mud. Who's gonna question you? You're on BIKE!

5. Wondering why my e-mails/phone calls don't get returned. I think because I say who I am. Damn you knowing me!

Daily Show: Corrdry on Bonds

2006-03-09T01:15:00.000-07:00

During my nightly ritual of watching the Daily Show (sans clothes) and Colbert Report, I nearly woke up the neighbors. Only not with my usual pleading cries begging Angela stop beating me. No, this time it was laughter.
Rob Corrdry was reporting on the Barry Bonds steroid 'scandal'. When Jon asked him how Barry was reacting to the situation, Rob responded:
"He tore a phone book in half and f*cked the Coke machine."

Calgary Tower

2006-03-06T14:56:00.000-07:00

My Canadian Family, my wife and myself went to the Calgary Tower about 2 weeks ago. It's an old abandoned missle silo that was built by the communist party back in the 60's. Those were some tense times for Canada and the USA. Luckily (for both of us) Canada saw the light that was Freedom. The commies were so blinded by it that the good people of Canada toppled the pinko bastards and replaced the Hammer and Sickle with a new symbol of power and freedom. The almighty Maple Leaf. Even named a hockey team after it. But I digress.
The Calgary Tower is now a rotating restaurant with an observation deck. I've never seen anything like it. I'm hoping a city in the NW will someday get something like this.
We had an awesome lunch. After which we went to the viewing deck. Pretty standard as far as abandoned missle silos go. Beautiful view of the city and the surrounding mountains. But, ahoy! What's this? A brilliant new feature? YES! It's a glass floor. That you stand on. Three words for you. Glass. Fucking. Floor.
Women and children cowered in it's presence. Lumberjacks sobbed at the mere sight of it. I jumped up and down upon it. Here, is my story. Whatever. It's just some pictures. Jesus, try to be dramatic...just look! SHUT UP! LOOK!

The Canadian Family and I.

The Tower in question.

If you look closely, you can see the puddle of urine.

Subtle

2006-03-02T19:28:00.000-07:00

It Sucks Air

2006-03-02T00:08:00.000-07:00

"Ohh SNAP!"
I effing love the new VW commercials. LOVE THEM. Giving the beer market a run for it's money. I think having a GTI would make me happier than a leetle gull. Now it's time on Shprockets when we dance...
And watch commercials.

Stunt Doubles

2006-03-01T17:06:00.000-07:00

Is this a dead horse? Yes. Is it still funny to me? Yes.

Renovations

2006-03-01T16:01:00.000-07:00

Hey. Where's my roof? Bitch, don't mess with me. Put a new roof on here. Now. I'm not a Katrina victim. Simon? Maybe. But look at me. No way. You see the color of my fur? Don't make me call my lawyer.
So at Owen's uhhh...encouragements, I put a new roof on the place. Reminds me of the Brady Bunch house. All 70's style. Speaking of which, didn't Slag say something about them being incestuous? Is that possible? Unless Greg was poking his bros, or Marcia was with her sisters...they could cross breed all they wanted. Think about, Slag. Dumbass.
Do you see why this roof had to come off? As much as Simon love it, his fat ass couldn't fit. No matter how much he pretended. He was pretty attached to it...
YES! New carpet and everything. Home Depot effing rocks. The wood was less than 2 bucks. Then I just cut up a mat. I'd like to install a fireplace next.

Do the Mall Haul

2006-02-28T13:02:00.000-07:00

No kid is disappointed with a Chubbie for their birthday/Christmas/I love you present! So hurry up and give the youngster in your life a Chubbie.
While you're at it, get them a book by Dover. If I had to speculate, I'd say the first name is Ben.
Who knows hip hop better than muslims? Those dudes (and ladies) are STREET! Gangs are SOOO last season. Wear the wrong COLOR and be shot? Pfft. Whatever. Draw a cartoon for these guys. See what happens. I bought every single hat there. I'm now officially "Hip Hop".

RE: Beepingslag

2006-02-28T00:40:00.000-07:00

So Slag went with some "normal" pictures on his blog. I'm gonna copy him.
These are all from our trip to Edmonton. Lots of nothing between Calgary and there. Where there wasn't nothing, there were farms. Where there weren't farms? Snow. It was a pretty drive. Above is a fence. A very sexy fence.
Speaking of sexy.

This was very peaceful. And sexy.

Dino Fury

2006-02-28T00:19:00.000-07:00

Once I unleash my DinoArmy upon the world, there won't be any stopping me. But to insure the safety of my Prehistoric brethern, I'll need a train conductor....no...a medic....mediconductor! I'm accepting resumes.

Rub A Dub Dub...

2006-02-27T14:59:00.000-07:00

Who's hand is that? "That's not my hand..."

Wintery Goodness

2006-02-27T11:54:00.000-07:00

So Calgary has finally been getting a real Canadian winter. Lots of snow. Not the kind that was trendy in the eighties either. I'm talkin' the 'put on your boots and tuck your pants into em because this shit makes your feet cold' type. Oh, and those glowy things on my car? License plates. Is this what being a law abiding person (I was gonna say citizen...hahaha) feels like? Oh wait. No. That's my coffee. Time for some poopin'!

Highlight

2006-02-26T19:31:00.000-07:00

So while we were living like Paulie Shore in Biodome, I learned my computer had some games on it.
Hearts was okay, but the animation is so fast I never knew who had what tricks. I was able to give all the players creative names, though.
Minesweeper is lame. If you like it. Well. You probably do some effed up drugs. Or you're good at math. One in the same.
Then came solitaire. I'm still learning. It was interesting.
Spider was effing RAD. I haven't moved past the single suit game though.
My proudest accomplishment? Defeating the evil force known as FreeCell. I've only heard of it. Never had any interest in it really. Until I had to find other uses for my computer other than internet and writing shitty stories. So I rocked out to some music and ruled the night.

I'm a star

2006-02-26T13:52:00.000-07:00

They had a Sealion show in the mall. It was pretty rad. There were at least two fart jokes and multiple burps. So I laughed (LOL'd for you young uns) while I was there. I was called out of the audience to throw those rings at the sealion. He caught em! Then I was able to get a picture with him. That's me on the right.

Sending Creativeishness to the Universe (Taking hot tubs)

2006-02-26T12:41:00.000-07:00

"Hey Ryan."
"Hey."
"So. Where have you been?"
A shot rings out. BLAM!
"You...shot...me!"
"Where have I been? In a land where laws do not exist. In a land where I can take hot tubs in my hotel room...food was brought to me. Did I mention the lack of laws? This mystical kingdom? Fantasyland Hotel."
"Fucker. You're not there anymore...and I'm pressing charges."
"Dead men tell no tales..." Click, click.
Yeah, so the woif and I have been away. It was like a long commercial break during Saturday Morning cartoons. Sorry. The hotel effing ROCKED. But they wanted eleven bucks a day for internet. I was all like "In your FANTASIES I'm gonna pay that!!" They just stared at me. Then Angela punched me in the face and said "In MY fantasies you'd pay for that! GET A JOB!"
Man, what a great effing time. For those of (all of) you who are unfamiliar with the Fantasyland Hotel, it's up in Edmonton *spit* inside a mall. A HUGE mall. There's a pirate ship. Sea Caverns. Sea Lions. A French Quarter. A Chinatown. An amusement park. Mini Golf. But shockingly, no Nordstrom. I think you get it. I can't possibly type everything. Which is why I took some pictures. Which are worth a thousand words...plus I'm lazy.
So I'll be posting a few of em' a day I suppose. I haven't even gotten to the Calgary Tower experience yet. Wow.

Treasure Chest!

2006-02-16T16:09:00.000-07:00

I don't know how I've missed this picture for almost a year. I was going through some of the random pictures I have on my computer and came across one that was super dark. I could make out the cow sign in the background. "Oh cool, a picture of my old pad in Seattle!" As you can imagine my surprise as I added light to it (Picasa is the coolest effing thing) there was Chris in all his vested glory. This isn't the only damning picture I have of Chris in a vest. I'm gonna find that other picture. I think there was American Idol tryouts that day or something. Or a gay parade. I forget.

NFL is over...but I still have feelings

2006-02-16T15:44:00.000-07:00

Why I hate Eli. Owen told me, but I didn't believe him till he showed me the picture. Eli. You're an asshole.

Why I love Eli. The Calgary police busted down my bathroom door and took this picture. An invasion of privacy! In other news, Calgary has a police department.

Biting My Style

2006-02-12T21:23:00.000-07:00

PenGAYuins

2006-02-09T18:06:00.000-07:00

"Leth go lithen to thum Hathelhoff!"

Bonnie Rait is Embarrassed

2006-02-09T17:02:00.000-07:00

Windows Moviemaker. A gift from the heavens. My pop has been taking the directorial path the last couple of days. The fact that he made this is enough reason for you to watch this. I'll post the other one as well. Listen to the lyrics and watch the pictures. This has been deemed "CUTE" by the cute authorities. In a badass sort of way.
For a drinking game, every time I sport more than two chins, have a shot. You are gonna be SOOOO effed up by the end of this.
Check out Big Chuck's artistic endeavor.

Basketball Diarreahs

2006-02-08T18:21:00.000-07:00

Monday was my second game of the season. I was rockin' the ankle brace and pink wristband. A force to be reckoned ( I reckon) with. That is, until I started running. Oh man. No, it was so much my ankle as it was my lungs. DAMN! I need a brace for my lungs. Though, I could feign a limp to get subbed out. Moowahahaha! "Gasp...gasp...my....gasp...gasp...ankle...gasp....somebody...gasp...get in...."
"Who were you guarding?"
"Gasp...guarding....all....of...gasp....them..."
Yeah. So, I'll be riding my bike a lot more now. Because Tony Hawk just isn't helping me. Drinking gravy isn' either. I thought it would be the new Gatorade. Nope. Turns out it replinishes a lot more than just the stuff you sweat out.

I'm totally gonna get killed.

2006-02-08T18:03:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I haven't updated in awhile. And after this, I probably won't be able to...just watch for the video of guys with swords behind me. But they're not ninjas. Pfffft...hell, no! Ninjas laugh sometimes. Like when one of them sets a shuriken (throwing star, DUH!) on the Masters pillow and he breaks his vow of silence. OH MAN!
But not these dudes. Very serious. They probably don't even laugh at My Name is Earl. I mean, that MUSTACHE is funny as hell! And his retarded brother? I can totally identify with Earl.
In a STUNNING turn of events, this whole thing is now the USA's ( USA USA!) fault. WHAT?! Yep. Because "America is the leader of Europe..." Hahaha, eff you Europe! USA is the boss! Now go get them some effing milk chocolate and wooden shoes!
Seriously though, by doing all this crazy embassy burning, aren't these guys playing into what the cartoons were getting at? And they're also discounting how RETARDED the "leader" of the west is doing...right? Instead of showing how bad Iraq, healthcare, blah blah is messed up due to the current things goin' down in D.C., we gotta see this crap. I hope W. is gonna send them a Valentine. Same with the Super Bowl refs...I think THEY drew that shit so the heat'd be distracted from the way they called the SB! COCKSUCKERS! I hate you. Either way, everyone needs to just relax and keep hating the French. The world was so much cooler that way.

Jesus Juice!

2006-01-30T21:24:00.000-07:00

Congrats on the new whip, homey!

Have you theen my bathketbah?

2006-01-26T17:09:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was the first day of my basketball league. It was only like thirty bucks to play...so at this rate I'm paying about a dollar a second. My team currently consists of a bunch of dudes that don't know each other. I'll schedule a drum circle.

I know you're dying to know, so I'll just get this out of the way. We lost. Not badly. But we lost. It wasn't fair. Apparently the other team was able to recruit all the black people in Calgary onto their team. Yep, they got BOTH of them. Freakin' messed up, man.

You know what else is messed up? My ankle. Within 15 seconds I had blocked a shot, went for a rebound...and paid for it. I was sprawled on the paint (that's hot...with three x's) wondering what country I was in. Then I remembered...they're gonna put leeches on me to get rid of the swelling!!

So yeah. I sprained the CRAP out of my ankle. I heard it pop when it happened...very similar to the sound of pulling one's 'finger' out of Chris' belly button. "POP!" Except, there was no laughing. So now I have to call work and tell them I can't make it in for a couple of weeks. I hope they understand.

Do it for the kids!

2006-01-25T13:51:00.000-07:00

Wanna help me find a lost kitten?

Cue the "Too Much Time" shit...

2006-01-23T09:39:00.000-07:00

I Love Polls!

2006-01-23T09:08:00.000-07:00

Today is voting day in Canada. I know this is late. But I'll have a chance to use it again in less than a year. Once hockey is over and these guys realize what's going on, they're gonna want ANOTHER election. The current government has been in place for a little more than a year. The U.S. could learn a thing or two...

Superbowl Party

2006-01-23T05:42:00.000-07:00

I just want everyone to know. You're invited. There'll be nachos, soda, candy and my AWESOME company. And Simon. Lot's of Simon for everyone. And a little bit of Owen...when he feels like it.
What a great day Sunday was. I'm still living it. I haven't slept...it's almost 6am, my wife is doing her morning work out. I'm drinking coffee. Not excercising. I will be soon, though. Basketball starts on Wednesday. I'm hoping the fact that I haven't played since my semi-pro days with Slag won't hurt me. I think the fact that I'm American gives me an edge though...right? USA USA! I mean, is there even ONE good Canadian basketball player? Heck no! Oh man. I'm gonna get my ass kicked on Wednesday. You know how some people can't sleep because of work? I don't get that. But I DO worry about missing lay ups and what little jump shot I had being left behind with my comic books. Whatever. The Seahawks are going to the Superbowl.
I was cheering like my fellow Americans. But I think my neighbors were trying to find the hockey game I was so excited aboot. Canadian Dad brought over a good luck shrimp ring and a new Seahawks pin...Ramblin' Rod style.
So you guys are all invited to the only Superbowl party in Alberta. The only one that counts at least. Bring my jumpshot, please.

XL

2006-01-20T16:40:00.000-07:00

Busted!

2006-01-20T01:23:00.000-07:00

I am HOT!

2006-01-19T15:50:00.000-07:00

Chris just couldn't satisfy me. So I took things into my own hands.

Memories

2006-01-19T15:37:00.000-07:00

This is how I remember it happening. We parked our racecars, got wasted on Cristal. Thanks Chrissy Bear!

King Kong

2006-01-19T15:16:00.000-07:00

Moments later, I lost an eye and a nipple. The eye I can do without, but how are my kids gonna eat?! I guess, I'll just have to look at the bright side. People love pirates.

Happy Birfday Karl

2006-01-18T15:46:00.000-07:00

Happy Birfday lil' brudder! I've made a very special birfday message just for you...under the influence of pain killers, cat nip and caffeine. Enjoy! (Effing hosting site is down! I HATE YOU SOMETIMES BLOGGER! WHY CAN'T I HOST AUDIO?!!! Enjoy the e-mail, Karl).
Okay, here we go...HAPPY BIRFDAY!!

EFF YES!

2006-01-14T17:37:00.000-07:00

YES!!

Jake Plummer Award: Update

2006-01-11T16:52:00.000-07:00

Just in case you forgot, Karl is required to grow a mustache. You can view his progress over at his "blog". He seems to have caught whatever Slag has, though. As his blog hasn't been updated in awhile. That's offensive to people such as myself that can't track his progress. What's the point if we can't all enjoy this?
Well, I'll tell you. I sent some of my spies down to the States to get a picture of Karl. His progress is actually quite stunning. Check it out...I wonder if it sucks to trim.

Hold the Bacon

2006-01-11T16:20:00.000-07:00

W better care about this guy.

I'm pretty, oh so pretty...

2006-01-11T13:12:00.000-07:00

The roofies...they work miracles...

Makin' My Ears Smile

2006-01-06T00:54:00.000-07:00

Constantines - Do yourself a favor and get this album. I don't care what your morals are, buy it, download it. Just get it. Miss Elliott Smith? Get this. Embarrassed that you like Bruce Springsteen or Clapton? Get this. Just sick of all the weak ass indie rock out there that's gonna wind up in the dollar bins at Tower Records? Get this...tell your friends you heard it before it was on The OC. You listening Death Cab for Cutie?
DangerDoom- Holy crap. This is so out of my usual...rap. So good, though. It's like nerd rap...but good. References about Cartoon Network? Guest appearances by Talib Kweli and Ghostface? Beats with organs and horns. Space Ghost? Yeah, he's on there. I love it. Too many musicians being too serious these days. Not here, this is shit to clean the house too, make road trips to, eat brownies to. Slag. Get this.
BARS- Not as accessible as the other 2 bands. At least not to most of the people I know. But damn man, these guys ROCK my ass. Former members of The Hope Conspiracy and Give up the Ghost (PISSED!) got together and started this band that will eat your face and then poop it out. If you need something to encourage your road rage or something to kick small animals to, this is it. I can't stop listening to it. It goes with me on runs and bike rides. Just good rockin' melodic hardcore.

Arrested Development: Immersion

2006-01-04T16:18:00.000-07:00

I got Arrested Development: Season 2 from my loving wife for Christmas. So we've been watching a few episodes every couple've nights. Such a great show. I can't believe it's going away. Fox shoved Prison Break down our collective throats during the NFL season, but NOTHING about Arrested Development. I take that back. I think there was a week that it was advertised early in the season. The whole cast was desperatley hucking the show and the new date (Monday) it was going to be shown. One of the premises was turning "Monday" into a bad word. I think it was GOB who told Michael to "Go Monday yourself." Man. Even the commercials were awesome.
Anyway, the DVDs are awesome. I'm hoping for some nice commentaries and other extras. The one on disc one was a bit of a letdown. Too many people trying to get their one liners in at once.
So with all this Arrested Development goin' down, it's been on my mind. So I decided to see if David Cross (Tobias) had a web site. He does. Shocking. He wrote a letter to Larry The Cable Guy (the Git R Done butthole) that's posted there. If you have 10 minutes, you should check it out. Effing hilarious.
After I was done farting the letter, I was curious as to what type of merchandise was available. Not much, but what IS availabe is pretty effing sweet. Check it out.
I'm hoping that maybe (Maebe) once the show is done, they'll sell some of the props/wardrobe. I want GOB' robe.