HAPPY BIRFDAY POP!!!

Happy Birthday Dad!! Consider all the good times that you've had with us kids before you jump!!! Oh wait...yeah. Do a flip!!

Stuck at the airport?

I went to the zoo this weekend. I'll tell you all about it. I gotta wait for the pictures to get developed. Yes I'm kickin' it old school. Yes I'm getting them put on a disc. Yes you should watch this funny ass clip. "I want to have babies" "So do I...five HUNDRED of em'!" "BABIES EVERYWHERE YEEEEAAAAHHH!". Check it, yo.

Moral Obligations

Poker. It's the new hotness. Broadcast on major television networks and available in smokey living rooms everywhere. I've never really played. I always seemed to wind up nekkid for some reason. In which case, EVERYbody loses. But now there's a way to START nekkid and nobody has to know. Unless you tell them. It's called playing 'online'. It's amazing. Apparently the 'internet' allows you to 'log on' and access a 'web' site that specializes in Poker and other gambling games! Pretty cool.Being in another country, it's kinda nice to interact with my friends and family through IM and e-mail. But now I can do it AND play games with them!Josh, my brother and I have been playing online poker at pokerstars.com. Well, mostly Josh and my brother. Last night was the second time I'd played. Kyle and Josh seem to know what they're doing. I get distracted by all the cards and bright colors. But it's okay since it's all for fake money. Kind of like gambling with Canadian money. So pokerstars.com allows you to download their software for free. Then you pick a screen name (so exciting!) and you can add an image as well. But you can only have ONE screen name. So if yours sucks, get over it. Their real sticklers about that! Once you've set up everything, you can go meet your homies at a table. At this point, you can chat with people at the table. What a great feature!Being the gentlemen that we are, the three of us try to involve everybody at the table in our conversations. Sometimes our conversations are about the cards at hand, the bets, or our health. They can become quite spirited! It was during one of these spirited conversations that we discovered pokerstars.com will actually EDIT curse words! So if I were to tell Josh to "eat my fucking asshole you cock sucking pussy shitter", it would look like "eat my ****ing ***hole you **** sucking ***** *****er." Wow. That's great! Who can be offended by "*"s? Nobody!At least that's what we thought. We took fullest advantage of this editing feature. Most conversations looked like:"Hey Josh, **** you. You ****ing **** **** lick. I'm gonna **** your mom in the **** shed." or"Hi guys. **** ****** ****** *** ** ************ **** ****."What's the problem, right? Well. There WAS a problem. Somebody at our table told us that if you get too many edits, you'll have your chat priveleges revoked. "**** that! That **** would have happened a long ****in' time ago!" Since this WAS at least our second session with such colorful language. We thought the dude was just joking. Nope. Apparently the morally upright people at pokerstars.com (you can play for real money too) hear about our dialog. They took a break from collecting their customers grocery money, college savings and Christmas cash, to set us straight. We got e-mails. I'd LOVE to see Kyle and Josh's. So if you could, you guys, send em' to me. Or post them in the comments.The great thing about the e-mail is that they wag a finger at us. Telling us how naughty we are. But you don't realize it at the time. As much. Because like I said, everything looks like ****. Not in the e-mail!! Holy ****in' ****!! We are BAD. The words show up as you typed them. OMFG! So on one hand, pokerstars.com is upholding morality. On the OTHER hand, they're robbing people of Keno money. At least they're not stinking up your favorite pizza joint/bar with their smoke at the video poker machines. Anyway, the editors at pokerstars.com must have the BEST ****in' job!! I mean, they have to read all this!! Holy cow. Pure comedy. I want that job. Here's the e-mail:Hello igloosyrup,
We have received a complaint regarding your use of inappropriate language at our tables. After reviewing the chat log (see below), itwas decided to remove your chat privileges for a period of 1 month.Your language was highly offensive and completely unacceptable.
Our goal at PokerStars is to be a fun place to play, where everyone can feel comfortable. Foul language and abuse of other players takes away from everyone's enjoyment, and therefore will not be permitted.
Please note that you may not be the only one receiving a message suchas this. When we receive a chat complaint, we review the entire chatof all players at the table. Any other offenders at the table were also warned or revoked as appropriate to our policies.
You may contact us in one month to have your chat privileges reinstated.
Regards,
SimonPokerStars Support Team
So yeah. My cat works for Pokerstars. I had no clue. Then beneath that are the offending sentences. So if you're easily offended, or feel like you know me. Don't read this ****:
igloosyrup (that's me) Yeah. I wanna put my **** in some *** then lick the **** off 8 8/26/2005 1:31:35 AM24596969
igloosyrup Who just shit their pants then wiped the shit on the table? 8 8/26/2005 1:33:31
igloosyrup Fuck! Really? 8 8/26/2005 1:34:00 AM24596969
igloosyrup We fuckin' said a buncha shit last time 8 8/26/2005 1:34:14 AM24596969
igloosyrup Goddam right. FUCK! 8 8/26/2005 1:34:38 AM24596969
igloosyrup Fuckin' right the fuck on! 8 8/26/2005 1:36:25 AM24596969
igloosyrup Ahem, what the fuckin shit fucky fuck shitting cunt licker fuckin crappy shitty fuck fuck. love. 24596969
igloosyrup I had vegetables with dinner. I feel shitty...like I'm gonna shit in my pjs. 1:37:55 AM24596969
igloosyrup fuckin' don't talk to me like that. FUCK. 8 8/26/2005 1:39:12 AM24596969
igloosyrup That fuckin shit. 8 8/26/2005 1:40:04 AM24596969
igloosyrup Oh man. That's fuckin' rad. 8 8/26/2005 1:40:44 AM24596969
igloosyrup I better fuckin' win! 8 8/26/2005 1:41:09 AM24596969
igloosyrup FUCKIN FUCK SHITTY! 8 8/26/2005 1:41:50 AM24596969
igloosyrup That's fucked. 8 8/26/2005 1:42:19 AM24596969
igloosyrup I need a fuckin drink 8 8/26/2005 1:42:35 AM24596969
igloosyrup fuck! 8 8/26/2005 1:43:01 AM24596969
igloosyrup I'll stick my **** in your ****ty **** hole 8 8/26/2005 1:43:21 AM24596969
igloosyrup Been out raising fucking hell? 8 8/26/2005 1:45:31 AM24596969
igloosyrup Fuckin pussy! 8 8/26/2005 1:46:11 AM24596969
igloosyrup That's fuckin hot 8 8/26/2005 1:46:32 AM24596969
igloosyrup OH SHIT! 8 8/26/2005 1:46:43 AM24596969
igloosyrup She was watching! Oh fuck! 8 8/26/2005 1:46:49 AM24596969
igloosyrup Baby, I can change! FUCK! 8 8/26/2005 1:47:01 AM24596969
igloosyrup Jesus said I was a good fuckin dude! 8 8/26/2005 1:47:21 AM24596969
igloosyrup Fuckin' pussy shitty beer 8 8/26/2005 1:48:15 AM24596969
igloosyrup FUCK! 8 8/26/2005 1:48:43 AM24596969
igloosyrup Fuck yeah! 8 8/26/2005 1:49:40 AM
Oh man. It's so bad!!! Hahahahahahaha!! Hi dad!

Calgarywood

I'm trying to use Microsoft Movie Maker. So if anybody has some video (in Microsoft format, not Quicktime) please send it to me. It's a great oppurtunity for both of us! I mean, in 3 years you can ask whatever happened to that video you sent. I can look at you all confused...then ask if you want ketchup with your fries.

Spam is dead. Long live Spam!! (Get an effin' screen name)

Alright. Due to the crazy ass spam, and all the tears it has caused, I've initiated Operation: AnoNO MAS! What's that mean? It means you gotta have a name, baby! A cause! Here's your chance to be totally effin' creative and set yourself apart with a screen name that describes who you are! Kid Toucher is already taken. Sorry. Anyway, this is going to be a blow to my ego. No more compliments on how well I write. No more multi comments. It was all a facade. I just wanted to feel POPULAR!! Whatever. Hey look. It's a zombie...made out of SPAM!

The last time I went golfing with Chris, we were TOTALLY tripping. This is at the Edgefield. There was something in the fries man.

Chris was cut out of the Ah-ha video. Take ME ON! 

Hot Robot of the Day. 

Poor Joshy. You'll get through this. Just like the Mexican surgery! Chin up buddy! 

2005 B.C. or Outside Providence

5 o' clock. The bags are packed. Toothpaste? Check. Food? Check. Sunblock? Check. 4 Hour drive with almost strangers? Check.
This weekend the wife and I took a road trip with some friends of hers. Shannon (who Angela has known since her days as a snychronized swimmer) and Shannon's mang, Jim. They had invited us to go to Shannon's parents cabin. It's in B.C. The drive was beautiful. Man, if you guys get a chance to come visit me, we'll get out've Calgary and you'll see how awesome this place is. The cabin is at a lake. Wasa Lake. Which invited many jokes. As in "Wasa Lake Motel....what is it NOW?! NEeeyahahahahaha!!!" "All he wanted WASA cookie! Neeeyahahahahaha!" It continued all weekend. And of course, it NEVER got old. The lake was freakin' rad. It's super shallow, so it's pretty warm. At least it was whenever I was in the water. Our hosts had access to a boat, water skis, a kneeboard and water biscuits. Holy crap. As I type, my whole body aches. I was able to wate ski for the first time. My ass is SO kicked. But that shit is FUN. We also went swimming in the lake. I'm pretty sunburnt. Apparently there was also a badger in the area. There were signs. Not badger poop and tracks, but signs. "Warning: A badger has been sighted in the area. Do not approach." I don't understand. He was very nice. Served the BEST iced mocha's. Anyway, on Sunday we swam in the morning. Nobody was at the lake. It was like glass, as they say. Angela and I are chillin' on the "beach" when an ASSLOAD of people show up. In their Sunday best. Crap."Uhhh, check that out." "Oh wow, must've just gotten out of church." It was a beautiful day. About 25 by noon (bout'85 F). Made sense some of the locals would come to the lake after church. But that's where we were mistaken. It wasn't AFTER church. It was DURING church. "I think it's a funeral" I said. "Nooo...not many black outfits." "Well, I don't think hip hop is popular with the church crowd." Then the pastor started talking, other people came up and spoke...they they walked to the lake. My tattooed and self can't stop staring at the people staring at me. Then the walked INTO the lake. It was a freakin' baptism!! Creeeeeeeeepy. Angela and I tried playing Speed (thanks Mila!!) while people were accepting Jesus into their lives. Then being drowned. WTF?!! Alright. I couldn't sit still anymore. As the congregation sang along with an acoustic guitar ( I bet that dude gets ALL the church poontang!) I ran into the lake. I'm gonna get me some second hand Jesus. So as I sit in my apartment on Monday, I can tell you that Jesus is ALL OVER me. My skin burns. Plus I totally got in trouble for staring n' stuff. Angela was brought up all Catholic n' stuff. But it was still pretty funny...man, she was mad. I mean, who knew that cannon balls were sac religious?!! Or that screaming "SATAN OWNS THESE WATERS!!" would cause so many gun shots in my direction. I learned the hard way.Then we drove home and I learned a little about the history of Canada. Pretty cool. Laiiiiiiid back. Except the part about the hanging, Chinese slavery and the French appeasment. That's why all the signs are in French. Back in the day, they had to make the Frenchies feel like they had kind've won a part of the war. Now we all suffer for it. Kinda weird, the French were treated like the Natives. I'm gonna learn more. Anyway, hopefully everyone else had a rad weekend too. Paix dehors!!!

It's the Muppet Show...YAAAAAAAYAYAYAYAYAY! Man, this is awesome. Muppets on DVD. Kermit turns 50 next month. Those 2 old guys were on a preseason football game the other day. One've em' said "....for shizzle." Sacrelig? Yeah. But still kinda funny...only 2 years behind the trendizzle. So, I'm gonna be renting/buying...uhhh...asking my wife to rent/buy those dvd's. Swedish Chef...Pigs in Space...ANNIMAL ANIMAL! Man. I miss the muppets. I even miss Muppet Babies.

So yeah. Hopefully I'll have an update to give on the dvd's.One that involves me owning/watching them. Apparently there's tons of rad special features. And best wishes to Kermit on his 50th. He still looks so young! I sent him an e-mail asking how he's stayed so young and fit after so many years. Seeing as we're all closin' in on our mid life crisis', it'd be nice to at least look good. So Kermie told me his secret. "I eat lots of pork...hahahaha". Thanks for the tip Kermit! I don't know what he's laughing about though. 

Flashback! Again! Because I don't have an effing camera!1!11!one!!eleven!!!1 

Which one of these things is not like the other... 

Man. Vegas can be so BORING. This picture has been in my archives since it was too dark. But I was finally able to bring out the image with some doctorin'. Sweet! Good night my sweet asian brothers. I'll join you shortly. 

Riddle Me This

What's from Texas, has 4 wheels, 3 balls and one brain? Give up? Click for answer.

Ted recently took up the ancient sport of Ireland. He calls it Hurling. I think he's just being modest...LORD OF THE DANCE! You go boy! 

Dedicated to mi amigo: Amber Alert

As if you need any other reason not to go to see Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo. Chris sent me this review from Ebert. I still can't get over that Chris likes this old guy. But now I kinda understand. There was a great review of it in a Calgary Weekly: FFWD. It's kinda like The Stranger or Willamette Week. But not as cool. Don't have to worry about seeing my Dad in there. Except in the personals. Anyway, here's the review (just for you Chris).

XXX

This will make many lives so much easier. What would SesameStreet.XXX look like? Gapingaholes.xxx is pretty self explanatory though.

I Can Smell Your BRAAIIIINSSSSSS!!!!

Oh man, Return of the Living Dead. What the hell is wrong with me? How did I go for so long without seeing this effing movie? A buncha 80's punks getting eaten by zombies? "Why do you think I dress like this? You think it's a costume?! IT'S A LIFESTYLE!!!" Ohhhh man. Awesome. It's meant to be comedy/cheesy. And it is. At one point, one of the girls gets nekkid. For no effing reason. She starts dancing. Angela asked me "What is she DOING?!" I had to explain the 80's and the blatant T n' A that pertainted to the decade to her. Later that nekkid girl turns into a nekkid zombie. Very interesting character development. It was made by the dude who wrote Alien. I had no idea.We also went to Angela's amiga's house. Pam. She was having a farewell party. Where's Pam going? Oh, South Korea. Why's she going? To teach English. Really? Yup. So she speaks Korean? Nope. That's right. No Korean. She DOES speak Chinese though. So...yeah. Anyway, Pam's a cool chick. Her parents are effin' hilarious. Her mom tried to get me wasted (she's Chinese) and her dad makes the best chicken wings EVER. At least they said it was chicken. Huh. Some of you might remember Pam from the wedding. She was the Asian one. Calm down Kyle. Angela and I were the first to arrive to the party. Hung out for a bit, then Pam's Uncle Ken and Aunty (not sure...just Aunty) showed up. Thery're Chinese as well. Why do I mention where they come from? Oh, it's very relevent, yo. Y'see, my wife and I are honky's. Most honky folk who live here are from Europe/Canada. So I made a point to keep my Yank' background on the dl. Uncle Ken, Aunty, myself and the rest of the guests got into various discussions. Somehow it came up that Americans were arrogant n' stuff. Oh man. Awesome. So I agreed. "They're also ugly, loud....man, I HATE THEM!!" Well, Uncle Ken agreed. Aunty looked at me a bit surprised. Every chance I got I was busting on Americans and blaming everything on them/me. Still they had no clue. "Oh, don't get me started on those GODDAMN Americans!!" I continued "Abercrombie and Fitch? Just another evil racist American company! They're all the same!!!" Somehow (of course) war comes up. It was awesome. Eventually I got sold out by one of the other guests.
"I can't STAND those 'Mericans!!"
"But Ryan. Where are you from?"
"Portland, Oregon. USA."
Uncle Ken- ...Me- "Mooowhahahahah!!"
Uncle Ken- ....(looking at the table)
Aunty - "I thaw you seem like you hate too much! You so loud, I KNEW it!!!"
Uncle Ken- (plotting my death) "You know the thing bout' Americans?"
Me- "What?"Uncle Ken- "They're jus' misunderstood."
Me and the guests- ....
Me- "...snicker...Moowahahaha! That's not what you were saying 5 minutes ago!!AHAHAHAHAHA!" Man. It was great. From there on, we talked about how cool Americans were because we sold China jet fighters n' stuff. It was awesome. So anyway, good luck to Pam.
We went and had dinner with the in-laws yesterday. Pretty fun. Had salmon. Learned about WINMX, because Napster is weeeeeeak. Thanks though, Kyle. I'm listening to Napster right now. But I can't take it away from my pooter'. Even though a subscription fee has been paid. You have to pay an ADDITIONAL 99 cents per track if you wanna burn them. Bastards.
I also mentioned to the in-laws (in a move of suck uppedness gone wrong) that I'd like to go ice skating this winter."ICE skating?!! It's SKATING ya' fawk!" Oh man. "Of course it's on ice! Maybe we'll get you a leotard!" Woops. Though I think I'd look pretty good in a leotard. Apparently ICE skating is for girls/Brian Boitano. I don't even want to mention what happened when I said I wanted a helmet. Sigh. I'll never live it down. Apparently I have tourettes now as well. At least that's what my Father-In-Law has diagnosed me with. SHITPOOYDUCKCOFFEEASSHOLE!! I don't know where he got that from.

Canada: EFF YEAH!

I'm actually breaking the rules by NOT typing eff yoo see kay! I mean the word. Because I just DID type it. Whatever. I'm getting a newspaper subscription.

Make way for X-TREEEEM Elvis and X-J.C. 4000!! They're totally ripping up the pipe in a contest that will decide who the real King is! (Elvis died today...well not TOday. But on this date. Whatever.)

Sorry E. Long live the King! 

Photoshhiiiiiyeeeeeeeeit-op!

As I sit here in all my dressed after 1pm glory, I can't help but feel a little unfulfilled. Ripped off even. You may ask: Why? Why would you feel that way, Ryguy? You're obviously a busy man with amazing looks and even more amazing abilities to hump inanimate objects. You may also ask yourself: Where is that large automobile? Same as it ever was, same as it ever was...And the days go by....ahem. Huh? Sorry.
Ripped off. Right. Now, more than likely these feelings stem from my youth that was wasted selling fruit on the side of road so I could afford a new Powell skateboard. By selling fruit, I mean oranges. At stoplights. But I think these feelings come DIRECTLY from wasting a few hours in Photoshop. I'm trying to learn how to make smoke! It involves using the "smudge" tool. This is according to the official tips and tricks on the web. Well guess what tips and tricks? I DON'T HAVE THAT EFFING TOOL!!! And if I DO have it...well, it's selling oranges somewhere. So now after figuring out how to highlight/cut/make new background colors...I'm stuck. No smoke. Which makes me wanna start. Maybe I'll figger it out this weekend. Maybe.
It looks like it's actually gonna be nice. So I GUESS I'm gonna have to get out of the house. Maybe go to the video store! AWESOME!!!! Get some chocolate peanut butter ice cream? Doesn't exist in Canada. But I'd like to find some. Please don't send me any samples of the 'homemade' variety. Sick dude.

The Catcher in the Rye? Nope, the Rye in the Catcher! INDEED! 

Peeee-yimp My Blog

Holy cow. Being an immigrant is awesome. I get to add all this badass stuff to my blog while my wife is at work. So X and I have been busy installing all these CRAZY upgrades! I couldn't believe it when he showed up. So we hit some Ken and started trickin' out this here blog! Added a counter. Made the Tag Board so I can have another blank spot on my blog. Hey Josh...eat my dust!

I miss you Moby. 

A very STARTLING change of events. Moby Diiiiiiiiiiiiiiick!!! 

Not only that, but he also showed Josh how to make Hobo Soup! 

You know what was impressive about that donkey? He could handle TWO loads at once! Neeeyahahahahaha!

THCREAM!

This made me think of my Dad. If he yelled a lot. And was Asian (all the way, not just from the waist down).
My Screamin' Dad.

Movie TP

It's just another manic moooonnndaaaay. I wish it were a...day that I didn't watch crappy movies. Jesus CHRISTMAS. What the hell happened to Deniro? I had the unfortunate luck of watching Hide and Seek. Have you seen Fight Club? That one movie with Jonny Depp where he's an author? The Shitty Window or something like that. How bout' the 6th Sense? Well, do you see where this is going? Watch the movie. You will. Within the first act you'll see where it's going. It would've been rad if Dakota Fanning called up Denzel and said "Yo D-Wash, I'm making this movie. But it totally sucks. Bobby is mailing it in...can you do a Man On Fire here? Y'know, stick some plastic explosive up somebody's ass..." Terrible effin' movie. You know what else is terrible? When youu type for 45 minutes and the internet goes buh bye. Thanks Shaw Internet! You useless bastards.So Hide and Seek was Angela's pick. My pick was The Ghouls. I like B movies, OKAY? OKAY? I KNOW. Shut UP. I KNOW!!! It's called the GHOULS! WHAT?!! No, I didn't know it would suck!! I like Otter Pops too...do they suck? NO! No they DON'T! You can't judge anything by it's title! Whatever. Anyway, The Ghouls. Sucked. It's about a camerman. Who does crack. And drinks. And smokes. And likes the ladies. But it sucked. Until aboot 2/3 of the way through. Enter: A kid who's waiting for his bus (We'll call him 'Corky'). Our lame ass protaganist (we'll call him Grizzly) arrives at the bus stop after a long evening. His homey was taken away by 'the Ghouls', his woman left him, they stopped serving him alcohol at the bar, got beat up by a crooked cop/fed said crooked cop to 'the Ghouls'. Anyway. Grizzly is BEAT. Time to get on the bus with his camera and take a dump, get in the tub and just soak. Maybe even smoke some more crack. But before ANY of this Corky starts talking to Grizzly. "Dass a nice camoowa...doo dit it fo' Kwizmiss?" Did I mention that Cork has Down Syndrome? He does. Guess what else he has. Camo pants. Guess what else. A mustache. A freakin' mustache. Holy crap. This movie has now become worth the last hour and 5 bucks. "Look, I don't have time for this, kid." Grizzly is in no mood. "Tan I hoad it?" "No, it's expensive." "Doo fink I'm doopid?!?" Oh man. Classic. CLASSIC! So, after much inner debate, Grizzly allows Corky to hold the camera. "Dit's heafee!!" See ya' Corky. He freakin' BOLTS. With the camera. You know what's bad? Grizzly doesn't even catch him. He falls down and conks his head. Knocked out. You KNOW Corky must be feelin' pretty good aboot himself. He probably signed up for the Special Olympics after that. Anyway, with the departure of Corky, the movie spirals downward. Grizzly wakes up in the sewers where he's being held captive by the Ghouls. He finds his homey. Skinned! OMFG!! But he still wants a smoke. Awful. Saw it comin' too. Grizzly then proceeds to free himself from his cell by beating up a Ghoul and taking the ghouls gun. That he was wearing around his neck. Goddammit. Where's Corky? Grizzly is working his way through the lit tunnels of the sewer (still keeping his lighter out and lit for that extra ambiance) when he comes to a room of Ghouls. A family room if you will. There's a mommy ghoul *BANG!* a Daddy Ghoul *BANG!* BABY GHOUL! *BANG!!!* He clears the room. And it wasn't even cool. Grizzly comes up out've the sewers. He's wiped out. So he ganks a car and cruises home. Oh, but it's not over. Why? Well, I'll tell you. Because this is why the movie was almost worth it. Pure comedy. Unintended. The best kind.Grizzly is cruisin' down the street in his stolen car when he passes a bus stop. Guess who's at the bus stop? Yup, Corky. Back at the same bus stop that rewarded him with an awesome new camera. ERRRRRRRRRRRRRRT! Grizzly slams on the brakes and throws er' into reverse. Corky doesn't mind. I mean, he DOES have Down Syndrome. Grizzly gets out of the car, walks up to Corky and knocks his ass out. Apparently Corky slept with the camera and was planning on taking it to show n' tell, because he had it with him. Happy Grizzly! Oh, and what's this? The tape is full?!! Here we go. Cut to the tape footage:Corky is in his room. He's got the camera set up. And he's talking to it. "Doo dalkin' do be? Are DOO dalkin' do BE?!!" Holy crap. He's doing Taxi Driver. "Doo mus' be dalkin' do be..." I'm dying. (Just a note, we watched Hide and Stink first. Deniro...ugh. Then we watch this...maybe Deniro should too.) He does a bunch of scenes. Camo pants, lil' mustache, finger pointing...awesome. Then the footage cuts to Corky at a door. He knocks. Some chick answers it...I think she thought Corky was Publishers Clearinghouse or something. She was pretty happy. Then she see that it's...well, Corky. "Can I help you?" Of course she can! He let's himself in and knocks her out. He then proceeds to have a disturbing/funny conversation with himself as he hovers over her uncounsious body. He's talking in a girls voice. Holy cow. I take it back. Go rent this and skip to the last chapter. It's so rad to see Corky playing Deniro...right after we watched him. You know what would've been REALLY cool? If Corky would've played Deniro's role in Hide the Sausage. He would've made a much better Charlie/Daddy. Oh wait. What'd I just do? Give away the ending? I'm thuch and ASSHOLE!! Moooowhahahahahahaha!!!!! DOO DALKIN' DO BE?!!!

Lake Louise Dreyfuss

Lake Louise...beautiful. And dangerous. If you forget your bear bells, you may as well be wearing steak cologne. That dude was wearing his shark bells. Too bad sharks don't have ears.
Other than that, it's an absolutely STUNNING place. Just pristine. It's like looking at a postcard. The water is a beautiful bluish green color due to the glacier sediments that run off into it. Maybe just looking for a good time. But what the sediments may think as a lesiurely time in a lake, soon turns into a thrill ride. The lake feeds some of the rivers in Alberta, and there are some pretty cool rapids. Sediment rapids.
Anyway, if I ever get a guest here, they'll be treated to this awesome place. You can even take a gondola (we know how much fun those can be) to the top of the glacier. There's a tea house up there too. I always bring my own teabags. Something else I'll share with my guests. Just part of my new found hopitatality. We can also stop and have lunch in Banff. Effing awesome. I'd love to make a movie up there sometime....not THAT kind...well...okay...but also another movie. I need ot start doing some research. I hear you need a 'camera' to make 'movies'. Sounds pretty wild. I've been on a serious zombie kick lately. And club sandwiches. Zombie club sandwiches? Huh. Maybe. We'll see.
I'm also totally looking forward to football starting up. Preseason is under way...man, I'm stoked. Got the Fantasy Football up and running. Effing rad. Plus hockey starts in September. Alright, time for this house husband to start doing dishes. OMFG!

I don't miss the leg hairs. Just the hugs. 

Look familiar? I'm filing suit. DUN DUUN DUN DUN! CHUGGA CHUGGA CHUGGA, WEEET WEEEER! DOO DOODLE DOODLE DOOO DEEEEEEE! Weee, weee...WEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRN!

 

Dohhhh, eatin' jell-o poodin' pop...Theeee-yo.

First of all, a big eff you to compact discs. I'm so SICK of you always skipping. I got a call from the school today. You weren't there for 1st thru 3rd period. I want an explanation. What happened to "indestructible" and "reliable". Now you don't even know what the Magna Carta is. Why? Because you've been SKIPPING!! STOP IT! Well, now it's too late. I'm just gonna hafta start going all digital. That's got to be totally dependable, right? Whatever.
We're coming off a long weekend up here. It was pretty rad. Nice n' low key. Went to a backyard party on Saturday. Tons of skeeters and drunk Canadians. Come winter, the only difference is going to be no skeeters. We rented The Machinist and some crazy Japanese movie this weekend. The Machinist? Not too great. I mean, how can Batman fight crime and be so tiny? It never gets into that. In fact, Bruce Wayne never even puts on the costume!! He just goes to work at some factory. Seriously Bruce, you're up all night, the least you can do is go out and beat up the Joker. Or do cookies in a parking in the Batmobile. Lame movie. Wooooo, plot twist! Shocking! So I guess, secondly, a big "eff you" to The Machinist.
I've also been trying to tap into the crafter that's hiding somewhere inside of me. Not to be confused with the Kraft Dinner that's hiding inside of me. Went to the art store and bougt some paints. Stained a key box. First time in a long time that I've stained something other than the sheets. I'm gonna paint some stuff on it. Not sure what yet.
I've also discovered something pretty awesome. Something I think needs to be shared with the world. It's called The House of Cosbys. Now, I know a lot of you are busy defending the country, passing laws, learning laws, working for big important corporations, or maybe you're just distracted by shiny objects. That's why I'm here. To find things and share them with you. I mean, what ELSE do I have to do? So go check out The House of Cosby's....Roooo-daaaay, y'see...

Breaking News: Egg Salad Totally Makes Me Shit!!

Calgary, Alberta- An early afternoon lunch of egg salad and chips nearly turned into catastrophe this afternoon.
A new resident to the area had just as soon finished his egg salad sandwich when a familiar feeling rumbled from his belly to his bowels. "I was just finishing my sammich when all of a sudden, I knew I had to poop. Like, THEN. I almost didn't make it to the bathroom." Luckily for the man, his wife and two cats, he DID make it to the bathroom. What happened next can be described only as sick. "So I sat down and...I totally started peeing out my baja. It was bizarre. That must be what my buddy Josh feels like. Always sitting down to pee."
The pooper was also thankful for his reading materials. "It's times like that that you can really appreciate what's printed on the toothpaste tube. And my Stuff magazine. Helps pass the time, y'know?" Apparently one of his cats (identified as Simon) also "kept company" of the man while he went through the neccesary actions.
What did the man learn from this ordeal? He said it best "I probably should have quit after the first sandwich." Amen. Amen.

Canada....AT WAR!!!!

Outside my window, I can see a few fluffy clouds and blue sky. The birds are chirping. They seem to be chanting almost. Seeminly a beautiful song...chirp...chirp...chirp....war...war...war. I shake my head. What? What did those crazy little birds say? I could've sworn...'war...war...'
I get off the futon. Take a shower. That'll clear my head. Simon comes in to keep me company. "Meow...row...reeeow...destroy...Danish Invaders...reeoooow." I'm hearing things. Did Simon just ask for a pastry? A Danish at that? No. No...that's not what he said. Now look at me...I'm debating what my cat said to me! No matter. I'll make some coffee. I'm just waking up. It is only noon after all. Still early in the morning.
Ha, Owen thinks I'm going to feed him some canned food. So cute! "Sorry buddy, this is coffee. Not for you, it'll stunt your growth..." "reeeeow...meow...kill, kill, mrew." "Your so talky, talky today, Mr. Cutesy Pan...what? What did you say?" Why is this happening? This can't be happening. Impossible. I left my warrior self behind in the good ol' U. S. of A. I came to this place of peace to settle with my wife. To leave that killing machine me in another world. One that I loved. But one that was going to turn me into a monster. A monster that filed papers and surfed the internet in the name of Justice. But we all know that was a lie. Now I'm here in a seeminly blissful land of peace and hockey.
Maybe if I get online, I can lose myself in all the purity and innocence of the internet. I sip my coffee. Laugh at a silly cartoon. Found out when the Flames home opener is going to be. Look up some rules of card games. Check the news, see what's going on in the worl...no. Oh no. I drop my coffee. My god. No. The birds are chirping louder "WAR, WAR, WAR!" The sky has turned gray. Simon isn't asking for a Danish. No. He wants me to destroy Danish. My urge to file paperwork and practice mundane tasks rises. No. Please God, no.
But I can't stop the craving. It's instinct. This is my new home. I must protect it. From one of the greatest forces of evil on earth. One that has been laying in wait. In the shadows of the Middle East. The world has been distracted. The Danes are preparing to pounce on my new home. They have formed an Axis of Hell with (who else) Greenland. Goddammit. Should've seen this coming. Greenland just OOZES evil. So now I must revisit what I once was.
I must go to this Hans Island. Though the experts insist that it's "uninhabitable". I cannot deny my urge to lay claim to what is rightfully Canada's. My new home. I've been to Alaska. I know uninhabitable. They didn't have internet. You know what? I'm still here. YOU HEAR ME ALASKA? I'M STILL HERE!!! Hans Island? You're next. You goddamn Danes and Greenlandonians or whatever you are...I'm gonna get you. No matter how many flags you fly, I'm gonna get you. Hans Island. Here I come. And I'm bringing my stapler with me.

I don't trust my legs either.

Grrrrrr...

I need more...POWER!!

Holy crap! I've done it! I'm a genius! I KNEW that by adding 3 more hamsters to the wheel, and by diverting power from the seal skinning machine, I'd be able to power my computer! SUCCESS!! How's everybody doing? I'm doin' pretty effin' good. I've been here in...Canada? CANADA. Wow. It's so real when I type it like that. Canada. OMFG!!! HELP!! There's 2 lady cops in the coffee shop I'm sitting in. I guess the criminals here are pretty weak. NYAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!! Ahem. So yeah, after my 14 hour drive and almost killing at least one deer, I'm here. I wike it. I've got my car here (sorry Kia, stay. STAY!) The apartment is pretty cool. I still hafta get some of my stuff up on the walls. I showed up and it looked like a museum. Mona Lisa, melting clocks, Botticelli...and some angels TOTALLY making out in the bathroom. Sweet. So far my days have been surprisingliy busy.
The Stampede was in town.
That was pretty rad. Buncha cowboys n' sheeyat. Plus cotton candy. And little donuts. And burgers. Oh, and the effin' SUPER DOGS!! Freakin' Pot Roast. Funny ass dog. Widdle cutey!
The in-laws had a huge bbq for the wife and I. Buncha crazy relatives, more presents, tons o' fun. Till the dog died. RIP Dougal. RIP. That was really, really effin' sad. So next time you be sippin' a fo'tee, have one for you and one for the Dougster. He was a good wee' dog.
On a more positive note, I went to the Warped Tour for FUH-REE on Wednesday. Yup, all the REAL punkers were out in force! It was super effin' fun. Got a bit of a sunburn and hung out with the cousin in laws. Mostly Sheena. Pretty rad. Big D put on a sweet show. Funny dudes. Then came Valient Thorr. Holy shit. That's a post of it's own. Awesome. One of the best live shows ever. Then I saw my guilty pleasure...Avenged Sevenfold. It's like seeing Guns n' Roses on roids'. Them. Not me.
Watched movies this weekend. Nice long weekend with the wife. Miss Congeniality 2? Sorry, no good. I was so disapointed. The bar was just set too high by the first one. Suspect Zero? Eh. Battle Royale? FUCKIN' YEAH!! Japanese movie. 9th grade class sent to an island to kill each other. YES! Wow. 42 kids blast the crap out've each other. Check it out Kyle. There were some cute dudes!
Now I'm just chilin' at Second Cup, gankin' they internet. Probably get my own this week or next. YES! I'm never gettin' a job.
Simon and Owen have been busy. As you can see up top there, they've found a hole where a magmagator lives. I didn't even know they MADE magamagators till the cats showed me. The malamute population has dwindled thanks to those two. Crafty kitties!
P.S.
WTF is Josh talking about? NERD ALERT!!