Sending Things To Earth

Katamari. Katarmari Damacy. That crap has turned my world UPSIDE down. It's steamrolled me. Rolled me into a ball...and made me smile. What is it? The short answer: a video game for the PS2 (that's the system that still works). After my X-Box gave me the crazy red eye, I went back to my dusty mistress...the PS2. I forgot how awesome it felt to be deafened by that beast. It's loud...but strangely calming. The constant "wrrrrrrrrrr" of the fan or the disc spinning...I dunno. But it competes with the Honeywell electric heater.
My PS2 came back into my life with Resident Evil 4. After seeing the commercials on tv, I went out and rented it. Holy crap. Awesome game. Different than the other ones in that the bad guys aren't exactly zombies. At first, I was bummed. But then I realized "Hey, their brains still splatter on the wall just like a zombie. I can still kick their heads off like a zombie...awesome." The bosses were freakin' rad too. Scary.
Eventually I beat the game and returned it. I felt empty. My PS2 lay dormant beneath the tv. I needed another fix. But I needed something not too intense. I was still reeling from RE4.
So I picked up Katamari: Damacy. Holy shit. The graphics could've been from the Nintendo 64. But...but...it was so....cute...and basic. No buttons required. Just what I needed. Oh, and the music. The effing music. AWESOME.
The whole premise is insane. You're this Prince of the cosmos...the son of King of all Cosmos. Who happens to be a raging drunk. He got wasted and broke all the stars. So he sends his son to earth (just like Jesus!) to clean up his mess. He gives you a Katamari (a sticky ball...neeyahahahaha!) to roll things up on. You start with thumbtacks, as your ball gets bigger (go to the Doctor) you roll up bigger things. Soon you're rolling up entire cities.
The whole game, the King treats the Prince like crap. All the while, the Prince is rolling up mice, birds, cows, cars, buildings, clouds, giant squids...to give to the King. Who then tosses the heaps of rolled up debris into the sky...turning them into stars. Every cut scene involves this little girl who says "I feel it. I feel the cosmos..." Creepy.
Not only are you making individual stars, you're making constellations. For Virgo, you hafta roll up a buncha girls. For Cancer, you're rolling up crabs. Just like my brother...but I'm pretty sure he never made a constellation from them.
Now I guess there's a sequel. That I'll be playing.
My favorite thing to roll up? Mice. They scream....oh, how they scream.

I Hate That

So I just got done watching the Flames lose to the Flyers in a shootout. Sucked. So I change the channel to see if there's a basketball game or something on. I hit the wrong button and wind up on some goddamn surgery! Does this happen to other people?
I'm punished for hitting a three instead of a zero by a buncha surgeons in their scrubs standing over some bloody cavity they've opened up. My eyes burn. Shouldn't there be some delay or something when this stuff is on?! I mean, I saw it for maybe 2 seconds...but it was disturbing enough that I felt compelled to write about it. Maybe if there were some zombies eating the person, it'd be okay. But there weren't. So it's not. Now I'm watching the Raptors game...y'know, in retrospect, maybe the surgery show isn't so bad.

Jake Plummer Award: Week 13

Wow, what a crazy weekend of football! Who would have predicted such a crazy weekend? Me. That's who. 13-2 for the weekend so far. I was lookin' PERFECT till the Bills and Texans blew it. That's what I get.
But I'll tell you who COULDN'T predict much of ANYthing this weekend...my main man, Chris! That's right. Ol' Amber Alert has slipped into the third spot once again. He seems to be very comfortable with #3...all over his face.
The above picture was taken in Vegas...not a reservation. It always creeped me out (the picture, not Vegas...or reservations). Then I realized how much Chris looked like Gollum (we'll say just in the picture, kay?) Then I thought how much Chris would like to get a HJ from Gollum while playing the slots. I'm pretty sure he said that while we were in Vegas. "You know what I could go for right now, Ryan?"
"Ummm, maybe some high heels to go with that pink drink of yours?"
"No, thilly! Have you seen LOTR?"
"LOTR? What the crap is that?"
"RYAN! It's Lord Of The Rings!! JEEZ."
"Oh."
"Anyway, there's this little man in it...he gives me shivers. In a good way! I wish he were here right now. With his hands in my lap....teeheheheheheeeheee!"
"Jesus dude. I'm gonna go pee in a fountain."
I'm pretty sure that's how the conversation went. Anyways, congrats to Chris this week. Ten and six isn't bad! It just isn't Fourteen and two. 

Belated Jake Plummer Award: Week 12

Oh my God! I'm like, a week late! Don't worry...I went to the doctor. My cycle is just off. I'm sorry to have scared/excited everyone like that.

This week (even though it's almost over) Slag n' Karl tied on their picks. Each goin' ten and six. This is Slag's first stache' week. At least he has a seasoned veteran like Karl to show him the ropes...as long as he gets back from the truck stop. Gotta make that extra holdiday cash!

We're also coming into the final weeks of this wager. Chris still has time to let the wheels fall off, since he's convinced us he doesn't want the cookie duster. But Karl is determined not to let that happen. But in Karl's defense, I think the mustache'll add an air of conviction to the new restaurant owner. Or at least the air of a convict. Congrats on that shizzy either way. I know it's been said. But now it's in writing.

I'll try to get my cycle back to form this week. I've been busy with Resident Evil Four, snow storms, Christmas tree and avoiding the anarchy that is/was the Canadian government. Apathy is everywhere!

Oh, and just so everyone knows. THIS picture comes up every time I look for a stache. At first it was funny. And it still is. Not safe for work...so, y'know. No worries here.

Jake Plummer Awared: Week 11

Once again, Karl takes the Plum' Ride. Even at 10-6, he loses. That's how high our standards are. If you're lost as to what this is all about, check thiiiisssss.
Thanks to my pop for sending me the pic of Karl at such a tender age. Look at those beat up checkerboard slip ons...wow.
Oh, and Karl apparently took the term 'bareback' very literal. No pants? 

Busted

 

True Crime: Calgary

I went to run some errands downtown this morning. Y'know, mail stuff, pick up a video game. I parked on a sidestreet in a spot that wasn't metered. Except it WAS metered! No signs, just a spot that you're s'posed to put one of those stickers in your windshield. Portland style. Except in Portland, there's signs. And cops. That taser your balls.
Anyway, on my way BACK from the errands, I saw the sign. Half a block away from where I parked. The ONLY sign. Nice.
Now, the only reason I'm writing this is becasue this morning I was reading the paper (the comics are awesome! I love Get Fuzzy) and saw this headline:
Police Ordered to Write More Tickets.
Well, apparently the cops read the newspaper here. This is a proud moment. At last, I'm finally contributing to the Canadian economy! Haha (I really laughed, but I won't write "LOL"...dammit!) and the best part is the Chief of police said "We do traffic enforcement for one reason--safety." As you can see, I was a mad man! With my car in a parking spot, all parked and motionless...man, somebody could've been KILLED...or worse, IRRITATED!
The parking enforcement up here is crazy. I once saw a cop whip out a measuring tape to see if a car was too close to a crosswalk. These dudes are CRAZY.
Pretty funny. I mean, my wife won't think so...I better go collect some bottles. I'll be playing Resident Evil for the PS2 (eat it Xbox 360) pretending the zombies are cops. 

Owen.

Catnip makes you do some crazy shit.

Did Somebody Say "White Trash"?

Grease? Or just out of the shower? You decide! 

For Mitchieville!

Does this suck? Yeah. SO?! 

But Was He Wearing Sweats?

Maybe I need to get a job with the city! Brings back more childhood memories...

My Dad...If He Were a Mom

When I was a kid, I was terrible at school. This was an affliction that haunted my youth...from elementary school to High School. To the forty times I dropped out of "college". My parents were well aware of my faulty learning capabilities...thanks a lot report cards.
My dad would constantly remind me that if I didn't do well in school "You'll wind up like that guy." Who was 'that guy'? The dude filling up the gas tank (who ironically was probably workng to pay off college debts...or crack debts) was 'that guy'. Or any random bum sleeping in Pioneer Square. "I bet that guy didn't do his homework" my dad would quip. Usually I was too busy not doing my homework to hear what my dad said.
Maybe skipping school to go to Lloyd Center to hang with the gangstas. Or eat breffist over at Slag's house. Maybe get an Egg McMuffin and have a nap in the car. Even got a job at the attendence office...more irony! It sure helped cover my tracks! The attendence lady would be all like "Why weren't you in first period?" I look hurt "What? I was!" Then everything was cool. Or maybe I'd just put a little check mark there before it got to the attendence office. Remember those days Slag? Woo!
The point of all this is this story from the San Francisco Gate:"Mom Makes Daughter Stand on Street Corner"
No. The mom isn't some pimp. Read on:
"Tasha Henderson got tired of her 14-year-old daughter's poor grades, her chronic lateness to class and her talking back to her teachers, so she decided to teach the girl a lesson.
She made Coretha stand at a busy Oklahoma City intersection Nov. 4 with a cardboard sign that read: "I don't do my homework and I act up in school, so my parents are preparing me for my future. Will work for food..."
My dad would be proud.
The whole article is here.

Put the Biscuit in the Basket!

On Monday, the in-laws went to the Flames game. Had awesome seats, as evidenced by this picture that Canadian Dad took. Canadian Mom won the tickets at her work. So they went to the game and brought the new camera. Got some awesome pictures/movies...of the game.
Above is a pic of Mr. Jarome Iginla. A badass hockey player and local heart throb due to his nice guy demeanor...and heaving man chest. He's such a nice guy that he farts kittens and rainbows...Canadian Dad caught it on film...digital film? He got a picture of it. Sweet. 

Jake Plummer AwardS: Week 10

Soooo, instea...hold on...wow. Okay, I swear I had the sports highlights on, but all of a sudden the blind sister from Little House on the Prairie was yelling for a doctor...what the hell? Man, I actually used to watch that effin' show. Remember? And Nellie was such a bitch! And they always had candy n' stuff at that store her parents had? Oh man! Prairie ROCKED! Oh no! Now Pa is having his wagon held up...and he's got the medical supplies! GODDAMN BANDITS!

Ahem...anyway. This week was really close. I was getting ready to post a picture of Chris...when all of a sudden Pa got his ass kicked!....I mean, Donovan McNabb threw an interception with 2 minutes left. Ran back for a touchdown. I couldn't believe it. Then the Eagles put in some demon kid....whatever. That guy totally just stole the medical supplies! And my brother (Laura) and I wind up tying for last this week with 9-5 records. Not bad...and we both arrived at those with some pretty retarded picks. That worked out. Laura took Green Bay to win...and they did! I took the Vikings...unbelievable! But where'd that get us? A dead son, that's where! Goddamn bandits!

New Crappy Movie!

It's the follow up to my last directorial endeavor! Now with more cats, in fact TWICE as many more cats! I call this one: ULTRA CHASE. 

Rock n' Roll Never Dies

Recently, my pop made a list of some of his favorite albums on this blog. After which, he requested that I post pictures of Janis Joplin and Jimi Hendrix. I was always under the impression that both were dead. Not so!
Jimi is one of the best defenders in the NBA and has changed his name. But, he didn't fool me. Hendrix/Wallace...seven letters. Everything has a formula.
Janis remained a lesbian, got married to a lady named "Sharon" and adopted some fat ugly English kids who take after their mom's (Janis') drug problems.

Jesus CHRIST!

Awesome fuckin' truck, man! 

At Risk Male Youth...That spells ARMY!

Anybody watch the whole MNF game last night? Me neither. I was enthralled by the 2 episodes of Arrested Development. Effing awesome. Another reason to be thankful baseball is done. I hope they find a cure for baseball. It's afflicted the world for far too long. Right now, the closest thing to a cure seems to be ice skating. I know, it tastes horrible, but it makes the baseball go away. Do you know how much they pay for those sequined outfits? More than you think smarty!
Yesterday was the beginning of my volunteering tenure at a local community center. Pretty rad. Basketball courts, fireplace, soccer, tennis...the whole deal. Chris won't be able to go due to the Day care facility though. I'm looking for other volunteer oppurtunities as well, so if you're looking for a volunteer oppurtunity seeker to fill a volunteer oppurtunity, I'm the volunteer for you! Please no whipped cream tasting oppurtunities. I've already fallen for that.
Oh, and did you guys see the T.O. news conference? Holy crap. His agent Drew Roseyass was all "I can't speak for anybody...blah blah...you all suck...T.O. feels really bad...I can't speak for anybody, T.O. wants to play..." What a tool! The best part was when Drew said "People question my relationship with Terrell....I love this man, I'm behind him 110 percent!" Then he said what more do you want to know? "Next question....next question...." Not answering ANYthing, like he was giving a White House press conference! It was pure comedy. I actually postponed my afternoon poop to watch the whole thing.
Especially once he started raising his voice "THE MEDIA IS TREATING HIM UNFAIRLY!!" Oh man. Effing awesome.
In other news, Chris and Slag have both invested in fake mustaches. Which is weird. Since I have one too. Nobody ever said anything to each other about said fake mustaches, till pictures were posted. I guess that's what nearly 20 years of friendship does. Psychic abilities.
Oh, and Steve Holt totally has bitch tits.

Did I hear the phone ring? Or is that jess mah seh-heeness setting offa thee fire al-harms... 

Jake's close up

Woops, you couldn't see Jake in the last pic.