EFF YES!

YES!!

Jake Plummer Award: Update

Just in case you forgot, Karl is required to grow a mustache. You can view his progress over at his "blog". He seems to have caught whatever Slag has, though. As his blog hasn't been updated in awhile. That's offensive to people such as myself that can't track his progress. What's the point if we can't all enjoy this?
Well, I'll tell you. I sent some of my spies down to the States to get a picture of Karl. His progress is actually quite stunning. Check it out...I wonder if it sucks to trim.

Hold the Bacon

W better care about this guy. 

I'm pretty, oh so pretty...

The roofies...they work miracles... 

Makin' My Ears Smile

Constantines - Do yourself a favor and get this album. I don't care what your morals are, buy it, download it. Just get it. Miss Elliott Smith? Get this. Embarrassed that you like Bruce Springsteen or Clapton? Get this. Just sick of all the weak ass indie rock out there that's gonna wind up in the dollar bins at Tower Records? Get this...tell your friends you heard it before it was on The OC. You listening Death Cab for Cutie?
DangerDoom- Holy crap. This is so out of my usual...rap. So good, though. It's like nerd rap...but good. References about Cartoon Network? Guest appearances by Talib Kweli and Ghostface? Beats with organs and horns. Space Ghost? Yeah, he's on there. I love it. Too many musicians being too serious these days. Not here, this is shit to clean the house too, make road trips to, eat brownies to. Slag. Get this.
BARS- Not as accessible as the other 2 bands. At least not to most of the people I know. But damn man, these guys ROCK my ass. Former members of The Hope Conspiracy and Give up the Ghost (PISSED!) got together and started this band that will eat your face and then poop it out. If you need something to encourage your road rage or something to kick small animals to, this is it. I can't stop listening to it. It goes with me on runs and bike rides. Just good rockin' melodic hardcore.

Arrested Development: Immersion

I got Arrested Development: Season 2 from my loving wife for Christmas. So we've been watching a few episodes every couple've nights. Such a great show. I can't believe it's going away. Fox shoved Prison Break down our collective throats during the NFL season, but NOTHING about Arrested Development. I take that back. I think there was a week that it was advertised early in the season. The whole cast was desperatley hucking the show and the new date (Monday) it was going to be shown. One of the premises was turning "Monday" into a bad word. I think it was GOB who told Michael to "Go Monday yourself." Man. Even the commercials were awesome.
Anyway, the DVDs are awesome. I'm hoping for some nice commentaries and other extras. The one on disc one was a bit of a letdown. Too many people trying to get their one liners in at once.
So with all this Arrested Development goin' down, it's been on my mind. So I decided to see if David Cross (Tobias) had a web site. He does. Shocking. He wrote a letter to Larry The Cable Guy (the Git R Done butthole) that's posted there. If you have 10 minutes, you should check it out. Effing hilarious.
After I was done farting the letter, I was curious as to what type of merchandise was available. Not much, but what IS availabe is pretty effing sweet. Check it out.
I'm hoping that maybe (Maebe) once the show is done, they'll sell some of the props/wardrobe. I want GOB' robe.

I'm not Jewish...But I'm still getting gifts! Thanks Slag!

I just got my Xmas present from Slag today. Some tasty wrapping paper and America: The Book. Awesome! I got it for both my parents last year...but felt empty for not having it myself. Thanks for filling me up Slag. 

Jake Plummer Award: The Main Event

Wow. Seveenteen weeks...gone. I can't believe the regular season is over, and with it, the Mustache Contest. Defying every oppurtunity given to him to avoid the flavor saver, Karl will now be driving a windowless van asking kids to help him find a "kitten" that he can't reach in the back seat. I fell for it twice.
Did Karl go forward gracefully? As gracefully as Maurice Clarrett can pull off an armed robbery. I believe Karl's final offer to me to be the surrogate whisker momma was 250 bucks. But that pales in value of his birthday pictures. That's right. Karl will be sporting the cookie duster for his 27th birthday...January 18th. So while you're feeding him shots of Sambuca, keep in mind that his mustache is absorbing some of it on the way in and some of it on the way out. Chris knows what I'm talkin' about.
Speaking of Chris, he and Karl are currently on their way to the Casino. Maybe to get some tips from the blackjack dealers as to how to groom a mustache. It certainly can't be to gamble. Not with Karl's luck.
Dealer (not the kind you get brownie ingridients from):"Gentleman has 18"
Karl : "Hit me."
Dealer: "Gentleman has 21!"
Karl: "Hit me."
Dealer: "Uhhh...gentleman busts."
Karl: "Hit me."
I'm pretty sure that was a Family Guy bit. Karl's a lot like Peter. But with a mustache. And fatter. And with a mustache. Did we mention the mustache?
Karl can also finally complete his Freddie Mercury impersonation...he was only missing the mustache before. Hahaha. Much love to my lil' brudder. He can make it on his own!

What's in the boooxxxxxxx?

What's in this box? Some chickens...maybe some cocks?
Could it be a fresh pair of socks?
What's in the box? I don't know Kevin Spacey, maybe some burgers and a Sprite?
No, that's not right. Let me tear you box...cardboard doesn't put up much of a fight.
That wood grain, maybe the kind you'd see at church? I wouldn't know, just a guess that Jesus liked birch.
What could this possibly be?! Something that makes me giggle with glee!
A new coffee table?! One with four legs and a shelf?! The kind I put together all by myself!
With a wrench named Allen and a bag of screws, this shit's getting put together faster than a white girl gone missing being shown on the news!
What's in this box? A badass coffee table, oh, I see ya'.
What's in this box? Thanks IKEA!

Uh huh...yeah. Uh huh....no...see, usually I let the fire department deal with the cats in the trees. And the fires...in my pants. 

I know you want a dozen of those. 

Supa Holidays and Bad Haircuts

Christmas morning. I used my new cape and Viagra. They don't call me Tripod for nothin'! 

New Digs

Wow. So this was actually pretty easy. I thought I was gonna have to totally start over! I even started another place from scratch. I thought all this old crap was gonna be gone forever. NOT SO! I just had to change the web address, then blogger threw everything in the back of a U-Haul truck for me! Luckily no accidents happened while I was driving the truck.
So this is the new place. It's got an awesome view of the Donkey Show site from here. VIVA LA BasementBattle!

Jake Plummer Award: Week 15

Actual Award: Adjusted Award:
I am overcome with sadness...yet, joy is tickling my baja. Why? Because this is week 15 of the NFL season. Week 15. Time flies...the season is winding down. As is our mustache contest. What contest? Why, the one I'm going to tell the uninformed about about.
In week three, a wager was proposed. A wager that myself, Amber Alert, Karl and Mr. Slag would participate in. The winner gets nothing. It's the loser who receives a prize.
That prize being a cookie duster. A nose neighbor...a moustache/mustache. Whoever had the worst record as far as picks go at the end of the season would sport a stache' starting at the end of the regular season, through the playoffs and be able to shave it on Superbowl Sunday. So for the football challenged it would span from January 1st 2006 till February 5th 2006.
It's that period that brings the tickling of joy. The playoffs are a great time of year...even better knowing somebody I care for is sporting a Selleck.
The next 2 weeks will be very interesting. We've shaken things up a bit. From this last weekend forward, if you pick AGAINST the lines and the team wins: You get TWO wins. Hence the actual and adjusted wins/losses column and awards here. Having a three game pad between first and last is no longer comfy. Karl gained a bit of ground this past weekend. Chris may still get his secret wish.
Keep track of the action over at Slag's place.

Roid Rage. Without the Roids. Or Muscles.

Nightmares. Night terrors. Bad dreams. Flat pop. We've all had these. I've had my share. Last night was just the latest.

For years I've had seemingly lucid dreams of somebody being in my apartment. Or dreams that just seem REAL. Like when you dream you're falling and you flail your body around like sizzling piece of bacon. Even better when somebody is in bed with you and you make the "Ssnnnoooowah!" noise as you breathe in preparing for impact and you wake up. Awesome.

I used to dream about spiders and other bugs A LOT. It was bad, man. But I'd never just let them get me. I'd grasp at the air to squish them or punch the air to knock them off their webbing. Crazy? Yep. Hilarious? Yep.

One of the best ones was when I was in the Coast Guard. I was on the ship, sleeping in my rack. I think we were at a port call in Costa Rica. I was sleeping in my rack (it's like a freakin' coffin) dreaming of the Arctic or something. That's the only thing that makes sense. Because before I knew it I was being attacked by a polar bear. I thought it was real. I started screaming and punching the top of my rack. Which is the bottom (haha) of the rack above me. "Get it off! AHHHHHH!!!" I woke everyone up in my berthing area. Effing sweet. "What's wrong?!" "Um. I was being attacked by a polar bear. WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU GUYS?!"

I've had plenty of other of these occasions as well. But I usually realize that I'm dreaming before I start freakin' out. Until last night. Around 3am somebody had snuck into the apartment. He was standing right over me. A tall shadowy figure. Normally a dream come true, right? Not last night. I remember thinking "wait....wait...." like I was waiting for him to get closer.

Now, keep in mind that my wife is asleep right next to me. Simon is sleeping on my pillow and Owen is sleeping at my feet.

As the figure gets ready to strike...I leap out of bed using my special ninja surprise attack technique (SNSAT)! "YAAAARRRRRR!!!!! MOTHER FUCKER!! RARR! (incoherent screaming)!!"

I'm punching EVERYTHING around me! From my bed to the closet is about 2 or 3 feet. So upon leaping I crashed right into the effin' thing. Which put me on my ass. Which made me angry. I was still punching and kicking. I got up and went for a second round of attacks. I made it to the coat rack that's behind our door and knocked all the clothes off it. Thus blocking the door.

Also keep in mind that the room is PITCH BLACK.

As I struggled to open the door so I could I could get to the light, the clothes barricaded it. So I think I thought whoever it was had fallen down and wouldn't let me open the door. By that time I started to wake up a little bit. I was able to turn on the light so my wife could see her triumphant warrior. In all his nekkid glory. Oh, I didn't mention that I was sans clothes? Ohhhh yeah, that's how I roll.

My heart was POUNDING. "Ryan, what the hell is going ON?!" "Ummmm....." As I surveyed the room, I realized what I had done. The closet and the lamp never stood a chance. Though they got some pretty good licks in. I was bleeding on my knee and foot. Scratches on my chest. Did I mention I was nekkid?

YA RLLY!

Happy Holidays! Eat a dick O'Reilly...O RLLY!

 

The Age of Innocence

What's Slag looking at? He's presenting his back to me. A tradition that carries on to this very day. 

Sombrero...Slagbrero. Wheelbarrow?

Aye Caramba! Senor Numero Tres strikes again! Viva Retaliation!

Jake Plummer Award: Week 14

Whatchoo gonna do with those picks, those picks in that shirt? Gonna make you work, work, work work! Man. What a freakin' WEEK. If my math is right (ha!) Chris and I are now tied for second place. Which isn't really bad. It's still amnesty from the mustache. Karl is now almost a lock...which he has been since about week 5, to sport the cookie duster.
Now, if you don't mind, the elves are telling me to put down my Schlitz, because my break is over. Can I just finish this smoke? What? It's a Virgina Slim. What? No, it's not. No it's not! Who says they're girl's cigarettes?! You? Pffft, dude, you're wearing tights and shoes that curl up. Whatever. Okay. I'm going...Merry Christmas!