Not only that, but he also showed Josh how to make Hobo Soup! 

You know what was impressive about that donkey? He could handle TWO loads at once! Neeeyahahahahaha!

THCREAM!

This made me think of my Dad. If he yelled a lot. And was Asian (all the way, not just from the waist down).
My Screamin' Dad.

Movie TP

It's just another manic moooonnndaaaay. I wish it were a...day that I didn't watch crappy movies. Jesus CHRISTMAS. What the hell happened to Deniro? I had the unfortunate luck of watching Hide and Seek. Have you seen Fight Club? That one movie with Jonny Depp where he's an author? The Shitty Window or something like that. How bout' the 6th Sense? Well, do you see where this is going? Watch the movie. You will. Within the first act you'll see where it's going. It would've been rad if Dakota Fanning called up Denzel and said "Yo D-Wash, I'm making this movie. But it totally sucks. Bobby is mailing it in...can you do a Man On Fire here? Y'know, stick some plastic explosive up somebody's ass..." Terrible effin' movie. You know what else is terrible? When youu type for 45 minutes and the internet goes buh bye. Thanks Shaw Internet! You useless bastards.So Hide and Seek was Angela's pick. My pick was The Ghouls. I like B movies, OKAY? OKAY? I KNOW. Shut UP. I KNOW!!! It's called the GHOULS! WHAT?!! No, I didn't know it would suck!! I like Otter Pops too...do they suck? NO! No they DON'T! You can't judge anything by it's title! Whatever. Anyway, The Ghouls. Sucked. It's about a camerman. Who does crack. And drinks. And smokes. And likes the ladies. But it sucked. Until aboot 2/3 of the way through. Enter: A kid who's waiting for his bus (We'll call him 'Corky'). Our lame ass protaganist (we'll call him Grizzly) arrives at the bus stop after a long evening. His homey was taken away by 'the Ghouls', his woman left him, they stopped serving him alcohol at the bar, got beat up by a crooked cop/fed said crooked cop to 'the Ghouls'. Anyway. Grizzly is BEAT. Time to get on the bus with his camera and take a dump, get in the tub and just soak. Maybe even smoke some more crack. But before ANY of this Corky starts talking to Grizzly. "Dass a nice camoowa...doo dit it fo' Kwizmiss?" Did I mention that Cork has Down Syndrome? He does. Guess what else he has. Camo pants. Guess what else. A mustache. A freakin' mustache. Holy crap. This movie has now become worth the last hour and 5 bucks. "Look, I don't have time for this, kid." Grizzly is in no mood. "Tan I hoad it?" "No, it's expensive." "Doo fink I'm doopid?!?" Oh man. Classic. CLASSIC! So, after much inner debate, Grizzly allows Corky to hold the camera. "Dit's heafee!!" See ya' Corky. He freakin' BOLTS. With the camera. You know what's bad? Grizzly doesn't even catch him. He falls down and conks his head. Knocked out. You KNOW Corky must be feelin' pretty good aboot himself. He probably signed up for the Special Olympics after that. Anyway, with the departure of Corky, the movie spirals downward. Grizzly wakes up in the sewers where he's being held captive by the Ghouls. He finds his homey. Skinned! OMFG!! But he still wants a smoke. Awful. Saw it comin' too. Grizzly then proceeds to free himself from his cell by beating up a Ghoul and taking the ghouls gun. That he was wearing around his neck. Goddammit. Where's Corky? Grizzly is working his way through the lit tunnels of the sewer (still keeping his lighter out and lit for that extra ambiance) when he comes to a room of Ghouls. A family room if you will. There's a mommy ghoul *BANG!* a Daddy Ghoul *BANG!* BABY GHOUL! *BANG!!!* He clears the room. And it wasn't even cool. Grizzly comes up out've the sewers. He's wiped out. So he ganks a car and cruises home. Oh, but it's not over. Why? Well, I'll tell you. Because this is why the movie was almost worth it. Pure comedy. Unintended. The best kind.Grizzly is cruisin' down the street in his stolen car when he passes a bus stop. Guess who's at the bus stop? Yup, Corky. Back at the same bus stop that rewarded him with an awesome new camera. ERRRRRRRRRRRRRRT! Grizzly slams on the brakes and throws er' into reverse. Corky doesn't mind. I mean, he DOES have Down Syndrome. Grizzly gets out of the car, walks up to Corky and knocks his ass out. Apparently Corky slept with the camera and was planning on taking it to show n' tell, because he had it with him. Happy Grizzly! Oh, and what's this? The tape is full?!! Here we go. Cut to the tape footage:Corky is in his room. He's got the camera set up. And he's talking to it. "Doo dalkin' do be? Are DOO dalkin' do BE?!!" Holy crap. He's doing Taxi Driver. "Doo mus' be dalkin' do be..." I'm dying. (Just a note, we watched Hide and Stink first. Deniro...ugh. Then we watch this...maybe Deniro should too.) He does a bunch of scenes. Camo pants, lil' mustache, finger pointing...awesome. Then the footage cuts to Corky at a door. He knocks. Some chick answers it...I think she thought Corky was Publishers Clearinghouse or something. She was pretty happy. Then she see that it's...well, Corky. "Can I help you?" Of course she can! He let's himself in and knocks her out. He then proceeds to have a disturbing/funny conversation with himself as he hovers over her uncounsious body. He's talking in a girls voice. Holy cow. I take it back. Go rent this and skip to the last chapter. It's so rad to see Corky playing Deniro...right after we watched him. You know what would've been REALLY cool? If Corky would've played Deniro's role in Hide the Sausage. He would've made a much better Charlie/Daddy. Oh wait. What'd I just do? Give away the ending? I'm thuch and ASSHOLE!! Moooowhahahahahahaha!!!!! DOO DALKIN' DO BE?!!!

Lake Louise Dreyfuss

Lake Louise...beautiful. And dangerous. If you forget your bear bells, you may as well be wearing steak cologne. That dude was wearing his shark bells. Too bad sharks don't have ears.
Other than that, it's an absolutely STUNNING place. Just pristine. It's like looking at a postcard. The water is a beautiful bluish green color due to the glacier sediments that run off into it. Maybe just looking for a good time. But what the sediments may think as a lesiurely time in a lake, soon turns into a thrill ride. The lake feeds some of the rivers in Alberta, and there are some pretty cool rapids. Sediment rapids.
Anyway, if I ever get a guest here, they'll be treated to this awesome place. You can even take a gondola (we know how much fun those can be) to the top of the glacier. There's a tea house up there too. I always bring my own teabags. Something else I'll share with my guests. Just part of my new found hopitatality. We can also stop and have lunch in Banff. Effing awesome. I'd love to make a movie up there sometime....not THAT kind...well...okay...but also another movie. I need ot start doing some research. I hear you need a 'camera' to make 'movies'. Sounds pretty wild. I've been on a serious zombie kick lately. And club sandwiches. Zombie club sandwiches? Huh. Maybe. We'll see.
I'm also totally looking forward to football starting up. Preseason is under way...man, I'm stoked. Got the Fantasy Football up and running. Effing rad. Plus hockey starts in September. Alright, time for this house husband to start doing dishes. OMFG!

I don't miss the leg hairs. Just the hugs. 

Look familiar? I'm filing suit. DUN DUUN DUN DUN! CHUGGA CHUGGA CHUGGA, WEEET WEEEER! DOO DOODLE DOODLE DOOO DEEEEEEE! Weee, weee...WEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRN!

 

Dohhhh, eatin' jell-o poodin' pop...Theeee-yo.

First of all, a big eff you to compact discs. I'm so SICK of you always skipping. I got a call from the school today. You weren't there for 1st thru 3rd period. I want an explanation. What happened to "indestructible" and "reliable". Now you don't even know what the Magna Carta is. Why? Because you've been SKIPPING!! STOP IT! Well, now it's too late. I'm just gonna hafta start going all digital. That's got to be totally dependable, right? Whatever.
We're coming off a long weekend up here. It was pretty rad. Nice n' low key. Went to a backyard party on Saturday. Tons of skeeters and drunk Canadians. Come winter, the only difference is going to be no skeeters. We rented The Machinist and some crazy Japanese movie this weekend. The Machinist? Not too great. I mean, how can Batman fight crime and be so tiny? It never gets into that. In fact, Bruce Wayne never even puts on the costume!! He just goes to work at some factory. Seriously Bruce, you're up all night, the least you can do is go out and beat up the Joker. Or do cookies in a parking in the Batmobile. Lame movie. Wooooo, plot twist! Shocking! So I guess, secondly, a big "eff you" to The Machinist.
I've also been trying to tap into the crafter that's hiding somewhere inside of me. Not to be confused with the Kraft Dinner that's hiding inside of me. Went to the art store and bougt some paints. Stained a key box. First time in a long time that I've stained something other than the sheets. I'm gonna paint some stuff on it. Not sure what yet.
I've also discovered something pretty awesome. Something I think needs to be shared with the world. It's called The House of Cosbys. Now, I know a lot of you are busy defending the country, passing laws, learning laws, working for big important corporations, or maybe you're just distracted by shiny objects. That's why I'm here. To find things and share them with you. I mean, what ELSE do I have to do? So go check out The House of Cosby's....Roooo-daaaay, y'see...

Breaking News: Egg Salad Totally Makes Me Shit!!

Calgary, Alberta- An early afternoon lunch of egg salad and chips nearly turned into catastrophe this afternoon.
A new resident to the area had just as soon finished his egg salad sandwich when a familiar feeling rumbled from his belly to his bowels. "I was just finishing my sammich when all of a sudden, I knew I had to poop. Like, THEN. I almost didn't make it to the bathroom." Luckily for the man, his wife and two cats, he DID make it to the bathroom. What happened next can be described only as sick. "So I sat down and...I totally started peeing out my baja. It was bizarre. That must be what my buddy Josh feels like. Always sitting down to pee."
The pooper was also thankful for his reading materials. "It's times like that that you can really appreciate what's printed on the toothpaste tube. And my Stuff magazine. Helps pass the time, y'know?" Apparently one of his cats (identified as Simon) also "kept company" of the man while he went through the neccesary actions.
What did the man learn from this ordeal? He said it best "I probably should have quit after the first sandwich." Amen. Amen.

Canada....AT WAR!!!!

Outside my window, I can see a few fluffy clouds and blue sky. The birds are chirping. They seem to be chanting almost. Seeminly a beautiful song...chirp...chirp...chirp....war...war...war. I shake my head. What? What did those crazy little birds say? I could've sworn...'war...war...'
I get off the futon. Take a shower. That'll clear my head. Simon comes in to keep me company. "Meow...row...reeeow...destroy...Danish Invaders...reeoooow." I'm hearing things. Did Simon just ask for a pastry? A Danish at that? No. No...that's not what he said. Now look at me...I'm debating what my cat said to me! No matter. I'll make some coffee. I'm just waking up. It is only noon after all. Still early in the morning.
Ha, Owen thinks I'm going to feed him some canned food. So cute! "Sorry buddy, this is coffee. Not for you, it'll stunt your growth..." "reeeeow...meow...kill, kill, mrew." "Your so talky, talky today, Mr. Cutesy Pan...what? What did you say?" Why is this happening? This can't be happening. Impossible. I left my warrior self behind in the good ol' U. S. of A. I came to this place of peace to settle with my wife. To leave that killing machine me in another world. One that I loved. But one that was going to turn me into a monster. A monster that filed papers and surfed the internet in the name of Justice. But we all know that was a lie. Now I'm here in a seeminly blissful land of peace and hockey.
Maybe if I get online, I can lose myself in all the purity and innocence of the internet. I sip my coffee. Laugh at a silly cartoon. Found out when the Flames home opener is going to be. Look up some rules of card games. Check the news, see what's going on in the worl...no. Oh no. I drop my coffee. My god. No. The birds are chirping louder "WAR, WAR, WAR!" The sky has turned gray. Simon isn't asking for a Danish. No. He wants me to destroy Danish. My urge to file paperwork and practice mundane tasks rises. No. Please God, no.
But I can't stop the craving. It's instinct. This is my new home. I must protect it. From one of the greatest forces of evil on earth. One that has been laying in wait. In the shadows of the Middle East. The world has been distracted. The Danes are preparing to pounce on my new home. They have formed an Axis of Hell with (who else) Greenland. Goddammit. Should've seen this coming. Greenland just OOZES evil. So now I must revisit what I once was.
I must go to this Hans Island. Though the experts insist that it's "uninhabitable". I cannot deny my urge to lay claim to what is rightfully Canada's. My new home. I've been to Alaska. I know uninhabitable. They didn't have internet. You know what? I'm still here. YOU HEAR ME ALASKA? I'M STILL HERE!!! Hans Island? You're next. You goddamn Danes and Greenlandonians or whatever you are...I'm gonna get you. No matter how many flags you fly, I'm gonna get you. Hans Island. Here I come. And I'm bringing my stapler with me.

I don't trust my legs either.

Grrrrrr...

I need more...POWER!!

Holy crap! I've done it! I'm a genius! I KNEW that by adding 3 more hamsters to the wheel, and by diverting power from the seal skinning machine, I'd be able to power my computer! SUCCESS!! How's everybody doing? I'm doin' pretty effin' good. I've been here in...Canada? CANADA. Wow. It's so real when I type it like that. Canada. OMFG!!! HELP!! There's 2 lady cops in the coffee shop I'm sitting in. I guess the criminals here are pretty weak. NYAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!! Ahem. So yeah, after my 14 hour drive and almost killing at least one deer, I'm here. I wike it. I've got my car here (sorry Kia, stay. STAY!) The apartment is pretty cool. I still hafta get some of my stuff up on the walls. I showed up and it looked like a museum. Mona Lisa, melting clocks, Botticelli...and some angels TOTALLY making out in the bathroom. Sweet. So far my days have been surprisingliy busy.
The Stampede was in town.
That was pretty rad. Buncha cowboys n' sheeyat. Plus cotton candy. And little donuts. And burgers. Oh, and the effin' SUPER DOGS!! Freakin' Pot Roast. Funny ass dog. Widdle cutey!
The in-laws had a huge bbq for the wife and I. Buncha crazy relatives, more presents, tons o' fun. Till the dog died. RIP Dougal. RIP. That was really, really effin' sad. So next time you be sippin' a fo'tee, have one for you and one for the Dougster. He was a good wee' dog.
On a more positive note, I went to the Warped Tour for FUH-REE on Wednesday. Yup, all the REAL punkers were out in force! It was super effin' fun. Got a bit of a sunburn and hung out with the cousin in laws. Mostly Sheena. Pretty rad. Big D put on a sweet show. Funny dudes. Then came Valient Thorr. Holy shit. That's a post of it's own. Awesome. One of the best live shows ever. Then I saw my guilty pleasure...Avenged Sevenfold. It's like seeing Guns n' Roses on roids'. Them. Not me.
Watched movies this weekend. Nice long weekend with the wife. Miss Congeniality 2? Sorry, no good. I was so disapointed. The bar was just set too high by the first one. Suspect Zero? Eh. Battle Royale? FUCKIN' YEAH!! Japanese movie. 9th grade class sent to an island to kill each other. YES! Wow. 42 kids blast the crap out've each other. Check it out Kyle. There were some cute dudes!
Now I'm just chilin' at Second Cup, gankin' they internet. Probably get my own this week or next. YES! I'm never gettin' a job.
Simon and Owen have been busy. As you can see up top there, they've found a hole where a magmagator lives. I didn't even know they MADE magamagators till the cats showed me. The malamute population has dwindled thanks to those two. Crafty kitties!
P.S.
WTF is Josh talking about? NERD ALERT!!

Mila's maiden voyage. Chris let her take a ride around the block. She borrowed his scooter, helmet and shirt. 

Maybe a night in the drunk tank will make you think twice about pissin' in public. 

Yeah, yeah...hold on. Hey, what's dis fuckin' truck still doin' here? Look, am on a very important phone call here. Get dis thing outta her. Yeah, sorry. Anyway, my third topping will be sugar. Yeah. Just pour it right on top of the pep'roni. 30 minutes? Sounds fuckin' good. 

At first I was pissed at Chris for sitting on my bumper. Then I got over it and realized this would make a great glory hole, thus increasing the resale value of ol' Terry. Sweet! 

On Josh's birthday, we all went for dinner. He went away from the table and PAX started telling me how happy she was that this was the last birthday she had to spend with him. I asked her what she meant. She said that "You know, we got married like 3 years ago...so this is the last contracted year. Marriage means 3 years in Latin. Right?" I explained to her that marriage was FOREVER. That's when she lost it. 

Oh, I'll clean the gutters alright, Pop. Clean em' GOOD! 

Hey Dad, boxers or briefs? OH JAYZUZ!!