Fire Up the Barbie!

After the last picture, my camera's batteries were being bigger bitches than the sun. They're not even STARS! Not red dwarf. Not gas giants. Nothing. Just batteries. Bitch ass batteries. It's a shame too, because there was a dead squirrel laying next to a stick that was begging for some close ups. Instead, I was able to come up with an Engergizer/Generic Battery combination for one last picture. Can you spot the Barbie head in the grass?
I can. Right after I took the picture, some dude skull effed it. Sick man. 

Spring Has Sprang

As promised, here's a picture from one of our bike rides. This is like ten minutes away from our place. Freakin' beautiful. The weather is getting nicer here and the bike trails will be seeing much more of my fat ass. So will you.
I was so excited about taking this picture, I saw the trees casting the shadow on the ice in front of them. I was all like "Oh man, that's soooo cool!" So we stopped peddling and I busted out the camera. Only to have the sun hid behind some clouds. "HEY! Mothafawkin' SUN! YOU HEAR ME? Getcho pansy ass out here! 'Wooooo, I generate nuclear fuuuuuusion'...fuck you! Generate your nuclear fusion on these trees, bitch!" Then, it did. And I took the picture. 

Don't Remove the Feeding Tube!

The doctors have done it. SUCCESS! I've been successfully brought back to a vegetative state! After lots of actual activity, I can now return to typing on the blog. Just in time too. I was treading dangerously close to Slag territory.
So what the hell have I been doing?
1.Okay. I've actually still been in a vegetative state. That whole thing about the doctors? A lie. No doctors. I just wish I'd have realized they weren't doctors before I drank that 'medicine' and let them 'take my temperature'. Oh well.
As my brother, Chris and many children can now attest, I've been playing Halo2 on Xbox Live.
Just like wearing underwear, I'm late on this bandwagon trend. Okay. I'm still late on the underwear one too.
There's no better way to stay close to far away friends and family, than to kill them and then mock them after you've defaced their dead pixelated bodies. I'm still waiting for for the friends part to get their asses online though. They've been FAR too busy visiting Centralia instead of getting their shit together so we can kill each other. Shockingly, my brother acted almost immediately to the proposistion. The same dude who still has Chris' and Josh's Xmas presents. While we wait patiently for Josh to get an Xbox and for Chris to get internet at home, Kyle and I will continue to bask in the glow of gunfire.
2. I've also been rockin' out.
Over the last 2 or 3 weeks I've come into the posession of no less than 8 cds. Over half of them coming from my Pop. That's right. Our Amazon order finally came through! THANKS POP!
Due to my financial situation, my cd purchasing has been experiencing a bit of a drought. But now? Look out Noah, it's a mutha fuckin' FLOOD!
Just as parents do with children, I have my favorites.
Bigwig- The new Bigwig album? Holy shit. So good. So angry. I hope Slag is enjoying it as much as I am, since he turned me on. To Bigwig. Turned me on to Bigwig.

NOFX- The new EP is classic NOFX. I can't WAIT for the new full length coming out in April. It's not gay. I mean, being RELEASED in April. Not that there'd be anything WRONG with that.

Pistolita- I love this album. If these kids keep at it, they'll probably have some success. They're already signed to EastWest records (an 'incubator' imprint of Warner Musicl). It reminds me of early Smashing Pumpkins at times, Murder By Death at other times. Just something anybody can kinda step into without being familiar with the band. Lots of piano and cellos...or violins. Some shit like dat!

The Delegates- I'm rockin' out to this RIGHT NOW. They've given Bigwig a run for their money as far as ppd (plays per day, dumbass!) for me. It's reallllllllly good. I've read some other reviews of the album and they're spot on with the comparisons of early Less Than Jake with some Clash thrown in for good measure. Awesome album. It's ska without being ska...very few upstrokes. Just straight up rock yo' ass gee-tar n' horns. They also cover the Roots song 'You Got Me'. Which is actually now one of my favorite songs on the album. I won't even mention the fact that they're from Canada. I didn't know till after I got the album. I was tricked. But you know what? It's still rocking my ass right now!

p.s. Will you check any of these guys out? Probably not. Why? Because new things frighten you. But if you overcome your fears (you really should, people are beginning to stare) you can click on the links up there. Seriously. Open your effing mind.

3. I've also been mourning the loss of Arrested Development. I look forward to purchasing the 3rd season DVD set in April. But that doesn't make up for the fact that it's gone. But last night there was a light that shone through the dark void left by the Bluths.
I don't know how the marketing is for this show in "The States" (eat it Ted!). But up here, I haven't seen SHIT about it. I just happened to catch it by accident last night. See what I'm doing? I'm FOX! I'm talking about the show, without actually telling you what it's called or when to see it!
Okay, okay. It's called Free Ride. Even though I missed the first five minutes, I still watched it. Freakin' hilarious. As far as I can tell it's about a kid who moves from L.A. back home to some hick town. He lives with his parents. His dad doesn't wear pants (Pop?) and his best friend is a metal dude who plays bass in a Christian band "They're the only band in town!" Holy cow. The band is my favorite. Singing about Intelligent Design..."are you gonna come pray with us?"

4. Riding my bike. I love that shit. I'll post some pictures from my bike rides this week. Aren't you excited?! I am. The best part about riding bikes is getting that line of mud up your back, then shitting your pants and saying that it's mud. Who's gonna question you? You're on BIKE!

5. Wondering why my e-mails/phone calls don't get returned. I think because I say who I am. Damn you knowing me!

Daily Show: Corrdry on Bonds

During my nightly ritual of watching the Daily Show (sans clothes) and Colbert Report, I nearly woke up the neighbors. Only not with my usual pleading cries begging Angela stop beating me. No, this time it was laughter.
Rob Corrdry was reporting on the Barry Bonds steroid 'scandal'. When Jon asked him how Barry was reacting to the situation, Rob responded:
"He tore a phone book in half and f*cked the Coke machine."

Calgary Tower

My Canadian Family, my wife and myself went to the Calgary Tower about 2 weeks ago. It's an old abandoned missle silo that was built by the communist party back in the 60's. Those were some tense times for Canada and the USA. Luckily (for both of us) Canada saw the light that was Freedom. The commies were so blinded by it that the good people of Canada toppled the pinko bastards and replaced the Hammer and Sickle with a new symbol of power and freedom. The almighty Maple Leaf. Even named a hockey team after it. But I digress.
The Calgary Tower is now a rotating restaurant with an observation deck. I've never seen anything like it. I'm hoping a city in the NW will someday get something like this.
We had an awesome lunch. After which we went to the viewing deck. Pretty standard as far as abandoned missle silos go. Beautiful view of the city and the surrounding mountains. But, ahoy! What's this? A brilliant new feature? YES! It's a glass floor. That you stand on. Three words for you. Glass. Fucking. Floor.
Women and children cowered in it's presence. Lumberjacks sobbed at the mere sight of it. I jumped up and down upon it. Here, is my story. Whatever. It's just some pictures. Jesus, try to be dramatic...just look! SHUT UP! LOOK!

The Canadian Family and I.

The Tower in question.

If you look closely, you can see the puddle of urine.

Subtle

It Sucks Air

"Ohh SNAP!"
I effing love the new VW commercials. LOVE THEM. Giving the beer market a run for it's money. I think having a GTI would make me happier than a leetle gull. Now it's time on Shprockets when we dance...
And watch commercials.

Stunt Doubles

Is this a dead horse? Yes. Is it still funny to me? Yes.

Renovations

Hey. Where's my roof? Bitch, don't mess with me. Put a new roof on here. Now. I'm not a Katrina victim. Simon? Maybe. But look at me. No way. You see the color of my fur? Don't make me call my lawyer.
So at Owen's uhhh...encouragements, I put a new roof on the place. Reminds me of the Brady Bunch house. All 70's style. Speaking of which, didn't Slag say something about them being incestuous? Is that possible? Unless Greg was poking his bros, or Marcia was with her sisters...they could cross breed all they wanted. Think about, Slag. Dumbass.
Do you see why this roof had to come off? As much as Simon love it, his fat ass couldn't fit. No matter how much he pretended. He was pretty attached to it...
YES! New carpet and everything. Home Depot effing rocks. The wood was less than 2 bucks. Then I just cut up a mat. I'd like to install a fireplace next.

Do the Mall Haul

No kid is disappointed with a Chubbie for their birthday/Christmas/I love you present! So hurry up and give the youngster in your life a Chubbie.
While you're at it, get them a book by Dover. If I had to speculate, I'd say the first name is Ben.
Who knows hip hop better than muslims? Those dudes (and ladies) are STREET! Gangs are SOOO last season. Wear the wrong COLOR and be shot? Pfft. Whatever. Draw a cartoon for these guys. See what happens. I bought every single hat there. I'm now officially "Hip Hop".

RE: Beepingslag

So Slag went with some "normal" pictures on his blog. I'm gonna copy him.
These are all from our trip to Edmonton. Lots of nothing between Calgary and there. Where there wasn't nothing, there were farms. Where there weren't farms? Snow. It was a pretty drive. Above is a fence. A very sexy fence.
Speaking of sexy.

This was very peaceful. And sexy.

Dino Fury

Once I unleash my DinoArmy upon the world, there won't be any stopping me. But to insure the safety of my Prehistoric brethern, I'll need a train conductor....no...a medic....mediconductor! I'm accepting resumes.

Rub A Dub Dub...

Who's hand is that? "That's not my hand..."

Wintery Goodness

So Calgary has finally been getting a real Canadian winter. Lots of snow. Not the kind that was trendy in the eighties either. I'm talkin' the 'put on your boots and tuck your pants into em because this shit makes your feet cold' type. Oh, and those glowy things on my car? License plates. Is this what being a law abiding person (I was gonna say citizen...hahaha) feels like? Oh wait. No. That's my coffee. Time for some poopin'!

Highlight

So while we were living like Paulie Shore in Biodome, I learned my computer had some games on it.
Hearts was okay, but the animation is so fast I never knew who had what tricks. I was able to give all the players creative names, though.
Minesweeper is lame. If you like it. Well. You probably do some effed up drugs. Or you're good at math. One in the same.
Then came solitaire. I'm still learning. It was interesting.
Spider was effing RAD. I haven't moved past the single suit game though.
My proudest accomplishment? Defeating the evil force known as FreeCell. I've only heard of it. Never had any interest in it really. Until I had to find other uses for my computer other than internet and writing shitty stories. So I rocked out to some music and ruled the night.

I'm a star

They had a Sealion show in the mall. It was pretty rad. There were at least two fart jokes and multiple burps. So I laughed (LOL'd for you young uns) while I was there. I was called out of the audience to throw those rings at the sealion. He caught em! Then I was able to get a picture with him. That's me on the right. 

Sending Creativeishness to the Universe (Taking hot tubs)

"Hey Ryan."
"Hey."
"So. Where have you been?"
A shot rings out. BLAM!
"You...shot...me!"
"Where have I been? In a land where laws do not exist. In a land where I can take hot tubs in my hotel room...food was brought to me. Did I mention the lack of laws? This mystical kingdom? Fantasyland Hotel."
"Fucker. You're not there anymore...and I'm pressing charges."
"Dead men tell no tales..." Click, click.
Yeah, so the woif and I have been away. It was like a long commercial break during Saturday Morning cartoons. Sorry. The hotel effing ROCKED. But they wanted eleven bucks a day for internet. I was all like "In your FANTASIES I'm gonna pay that!!" They just stared at me. Then Angela punched me in the face and said "In MY fantasies you'd pay for that! GET A JOB!"
Man, what a great effing time. For those of (all of) you who are unfamiliar with the Fantasyland Hotel, it's up in Edmonton *spit* inside a mall. A HUGE mall. There's a pirate ship. Sea Caverns. Sea Lions. A French Quarter. A Chinatown. An amusement park. Mini Golf. But shockingly, no Nordstrom. I think you get it. I can't possibly type everything. Which is why I took some pictures. Which are worth a thousand words...plus I'm lazy.
So I'll be posting a few of em' a day I suppose. I haven't even gotten to the Calgary Tower experience yet. Wow.

Treasure Chest!

I don't know how I've missed this picture for almost a year. I was going through some of the random pictures I have on my computer and came across one that was super dark. I could make out the cow sign in the background. "Oh cool, a picture of my old pad in Seattle!" As you can imagine my surprise as I added light to it (Picasa is the coolest effing thing) there was Chris in all his vested glory. This isn't the only damning picture I have of Chris in a vest. I'm gonna find that other picture. I think there was American Idol tryouts that day or something. Or a gay parade. I forget.

NFL is over...but I still have feelings

Why I hate Eli. Owen told me, but I didn't believe him till he showed me the picture. Eli. You're an asshole.


Why I love Eli. The Calgary police busted down my bathroom door and took this picture. An invasion of privacy! In other news, Calgary has a police department.

Biting My Style