I lewk gewd.

 

No Brains Here...haha...SHUP!

 

Zombieween!

Duck, duck...SICK!! Hopefully everyone had as rad of a Halloween as I did. If you made HALF the kids scream/cry that I did...well, that's still like 5 kids. The in laws had over a hundred trick or treaters. I'm effing serious. It was awesome. 

Fast Track to Filthy Rich

I haven't been able to work in Canada just yet. I got here in July and have to wait for all my paperwork n' stuff to be done by the government. It takes MONTHS just for them to open it. So (rarely is this said) I'm at the mercy of the Canadian government. Until I found THIS:
-Canada's welcome mat is still rolled out for foreign strippers and lap dancers who can get quick visas to fill a domestic "labour shortage."

According to the article, it's just for women. But, I can make even MORE cash by filing for discrimination! I'm gonna go practice sticking Loonies to my body.

Night Rider

That's me (hiding behind all the chins) and my pop, right before he got on the road. In the middle of the freakin' night! The moon was SO bright, we had to squint! 5 minutes later, I was watching football. Those guys play at all hours!

BFE

Here's a pic of my Dad's spot at the RV park.

Last Weekend

5 o' clock Friday. LAST Friday. A trailer is being towed through the crowded streets of Calgary. The pilot of the towing vehicle glances at the directions on the seat, looks at the street signs. Talks on the phone and sips on some OJ. One "detour" and a few hours later than expected, he arrives.
"Hey Pop!!" That's right, the other CRL was in town. No. Not Ralph Lauren. What THAT be like, though? I mean, Ralph Lauren as your Dad? Is that even possible? Like. Does he dig the ladies? "Why does our son waste his time playing sports? What am I supposed to tell the guys at Fashion HQ?" "Oh, honey, it' just a phase. He's rebelling." "But why can't he rebel by wearing courdoroy? Or taking modern dance instead of ballet?"
You know what? My Dad really IS that confused about sports! Huh.
Upon his arrival, the wife and I got into the Blazer and headed to the RV park. In Okotoks. Does that name look like it would be in the middle of nowhere? Really? Because it effing is. It took us an hour to get to the RV park. But it was nice.
Once we got the trailer (if it's a rockin', just cover your ears and throw rocks) set up, we headed back into town. Dinner time. We hit up Kodo. It's an awesome Vietnamese restaurant. We were lucky enough to get our favorite server. I'm pretty sure he splits his time at Wal-Mart as a greeter. After that, we headed back home. Pop checked his e-mail and got his internet fix. I unpacked all the cool crap that he'd brought. The coolest? My bike. A close second? Magnets.
On Saturday, we went for lunch. A late lunch. We were due to have dinner that evening with Angela's parents and sister. So we ate light. Pop ordered the Ribs, chicken, baked potato and Ceasar Salad. I had a Club sammich.
We ended the afternoon with some DVD shopping. I got Creepshow, Night of the Living Dead and a Horror 3 pack. Thanks Pop! He hooked himself up with the Unforgiven special edition. Pretty happy about that.
Then, dinner time. We headed to this steak n' pizza joint. This is mere hours after eating lunch. We order some huge effing pizzas. I eat one slice. Oh, and poutine. We ate poutine. I don't know why. But, it was pretty good. I guess. The in laws and I proceeded to get into an argument over whether or not the McDonald's in Vancouver served poutine. I done seen it with my own eyes. They didn't believe me. For whatever reason, though, it was completely plausible that Burger King would serve it. I'll be calling that McDonald's to confirm the poutineness of the establishment. I'll SHOW THEM ALL!
After dinner, we couldn't decide on a Haunted House. So we came back home and watched Creepshow. WHERE'S MY CAKE?!!!! Oh man. Good times.
When Sunday rolled around, my dad decided to leave in the middle of the night. It was like one. I couldn't believe it. But we made him breakfast and sent him on his way.
It was a great trip. Always nice to see family/friends up here. Especially when they bring some of my crap with em'! Thanks again for the awesome time, pop! Love ya!

Set phasers to Stun...ingly Fabulous!!

Mr. Thulu, warp thpeed. Apparently this is common knowledge in the Trekkie/Gay cirlces (one in the same, I think). However, Mr. Sulu (George Takei) has come out of the closet. What difference does it make to you or me? None.
Where no man has gone before...INDEED.

It's just that I have STYLE!

It was recently brought to my attention that my blog has certain overtones to it. The comment was made by my homey Amber Alert, in the post below. Who I am indebted to for storing all my crap. Wait. That came out wrong...
I've scoured my blog for any evidence that may perpetrate these charges. Absolutely NONE.
In fact, things couldn't be more to the contrary!
There's nothing but machismo.

Flannel and the WNBA

Basketball coaches will make you teh ghey.

Jake Plummer Award: Week 7

I tried to give Chris an extra day. See if he could get another win on his picks. It was a forgone conlusion that he'd be wearing the stache' again this week. But, I was hoping he'd do better than FOUR correct picks. I didn't hope hard enough.
Chris went 4-10 this week on his football picks. FOUR and TEN. The evidence for my "Mustache Theory" is mounting. Chris won't be able to deny that he is secretly throwing this competition if he has another (blatant) terrible showing.
This weeks nostril neighbor was brought to you by Mr. Belvedere.

Shakes Down, the Clown

Clowns. Guns. Vietnamese Doughnut Shop. Must be Everett, WA. I miss the USA.

Jeff Hostetler May Start in Week 7

We have a crisis on our hands, folks. Something bigger than Wilma. More pressing than getting Tom DeLay into the big house. It's our amigo, Jake Plummer. He's now rockin' a full on beard. Rumor was rampant that he'd shaved his face completely. But that's not true. It may, however, be in the cards. In order to avert this travesty and get the stache' back, go here.
If not. Jake may go onto the IR and Mr. Hostetler will be getting the start.

Sign NOW!

Grab my belt loop, bitch!

Oh, man. The Supreme Court just issued an arrest warrant for Tom Delay. Whatchoo think that foo' is worth in prison? A pack of smokes? A foot rub?
I can't wait to see how this turns out. USA USA!

Strait of Juan de Fecal

Brownmissles is my site's name (sic). That's where you are.
For a site that is named after post dinner activities, I've had a disturbing lack of said brown missiles. That's about to change.
A few months ago, a being known as Mr. Floatie made headlines in Victoria, B.C. He is a noble creature. His cause? To avert the practice of dumping (haha) raw sewage into the ocean. That's right. Victoria sends raw sewage into the Strait of Juan de Fuca. I've been through there coming back from Alaska during one of my action packed CG adventures. It's beautiful. But deadly.
Mr. Floatie is now kicking his cause up a notch. He wants to wipe out the competition by running for Mayor of Victoria.
Only now, the other candidates are bringing Mr. Floatie to court. Why? Because they don't believe Mr. Floatie is real. They say the man in the costume has to put his real name on the ballot. Mr Floatie had this to say:

"Of course I'm not a real person, I'm a big piece of poop."

Mr. Floaties cause is called People Opposed to Outflow Pollution, or POOP.
The article detailing his Mayoral bid can be found here.
Mr. Floatie's web site is here. And it's awesome.

An Early Christmas List

In an effort to be cool through a blatant display of plageriarism, I'm posting my Google "needs" list. I smuggled it out of Mitchieville (who thieved it from Glamazon) between sweaty butt cheeks.
All I did was type my name (Ryan) followed by "needs" (with the quotations) into Google.
What follows is the top 10 things that I need. For Google has foretold it:

1. Ryan needs your advice
2. Ryan needs one more win
3. Ryan needs your prayers
4. Ryan needs a bra
5. Ryan needs to be supervised because he can be physically agressive
6. Ryan needs to be redeemed
7. Ryan needs special care
8. Ryan needs a break from walking
9. Ryan needs to come back to the Bay Area.
10. Ryan needs a bar mitzvah (why not?)

If you're bored, you can post yours in the comments. ZOMBIES!!!!

Save Yourself Some Effing Time

I just got done reading a Dean Koontz book earlier this week. I was pretty excited about reading it, since I remembered enjoying some of his earlier books.
Angela and I also watched Undead this weekend. In the spirit of Halloween, the fact that zombies are badass and that I'd been wanting to see it since I read about it on Ain't it Cool News over a year ago.
Let me just say, that I was completely let down by these two pieces of crap. The fact that I'm wasting more time on them, is so nobody else makes the same mistake. Plus the story that each tells are strangely similar. It's weird. So, I'll just do a quick dual review.
First off, Mr. Koontz? What happened to you? I swear that you used to write books that weren't thinly veiled religious, contrite, human spirit bullcrap. I was watching Family Guy last night. The episode where Brian runs over a guy in New England. Gets out of the car to check on the guy and asks "Oh my God! Are you Stephen King?" The guy answers "No, I'm Dean Koontz." Brian proceeds to get into the car and run him over 3 more times.
The book starts out pretty rad. Strange glowing rain begins falling one night, flooding the earth and making people sick. The main character, Molly, is awake as the rain starts. Her hubby is upstairs sleeping. He starts screaming, she runs upstairs after having a weird experience with the local pack of coyotes.
Blah, blah, blah. Basically (SPOILER MA' FACKUZ!) the earth is being invaded by aliens. They've sent the indiginous animal life to our planet via spores in the rain. The spores bring a crazy form of fungus down that drives people crazy and brings the dead from their graves. Sounds cool, right? Aliens, zombies, mystery, the end of the world. Winner!
But it's not a winner. People get posessed (we're never told why, exactly) and the only beings that can tell the difference are dogs with magical powers. Kids can't be posessed. It's just a cluster. I'm getting pissed thinking about it. In the end, it turns out the aliens weren't aliens. But Satan. Satan and his big space ship. Invading the earth.
Dean wouldn't shut up about God n' shit throughout the entire book. Very preachy.
Now, Undead. Not nearly as bad as the book, but a huge let down none the less. I heard awesome stuff about it. That's what I get for listening to fat crack addicts. Here's the premise:
Town is struck by meteors. Meteors turn people into zombies. Intense poison rains make people sick/turn into zombies. Zombies want brains. Sounds like a by the book zombie flick, right?
Enter the Aliens. Who are apparently 'curing' this town. Of what? The same poison rain that they brought. I can't even explain the story. I CAN'T. Other than than: The rain/Aliens/Zombies are strangely familiar from The Taken.
The zombies are cool, but I still don't understand what the Aliens were doing. I don't effing get it! No anal probes. Nothing. Just turning people into zombies, beaming them up into the sky like a buncha hovering Jesus', then bringing em' back down to earth.
The worst part? They totally set it up for a sequel.
In happier news, Arrested Development: Season Two, is now out on DVD!

Jake Plummer Award- Week 6

Outside of this old apartment building, a limosine is idling. Having arrived under a shroud of darkness and mystery. The rear door opens. Out steps an aged man, wearing a suit that had just been pressed this morning. He straightens his jacket and wipes the tears from his cheeks.
There's a knock at my door. I'm not expecting anybody. I don't think. I can't remember, since this week I've experience what a lot of people call "missing time". I've had trouble spelling words and comprehending dental hygiene. And the headaches coupled with an irresistible urge to get a hold of my cousins. My god.
I answer the door. Immediately my forehead is in the grips of an old strong hand. It belongs to an old man. His glasses reflect the fear in my face. His tears tell me he doesn't want to hurt me. Then I understand.
"Demons....BE GONE!!!" I'm shoved backward. I fall to the ground in a heap of relief.
"Mr. Swaggert! Thank you! THANK YOU!" I sob and sob. "No problem my child. It was the will of the Lord...plus Ramcrisp is REALLY fucking annoying. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a limo full of prosti...umm...orphans that I must tend to."
With that, Jimmy Swaggert spun on his heels and disappeared into the night. As did Ramcrisp...I hope.
Anyway, congrats to Amber Alert for taking the title this week. Everyone was above .500, but somebody's got to wear the cookie duster. Thanks to Mr. Tom Selleck for loaning his out.
Oh, and thanks again to Mr. Slag for his super boss grid.

Another Quote of the Day

"We were dancing together," Williams said. "If I didn't like him, I wouldn't be dancing with him."
No, this isn't from a High School dance. This is what Detroit Lions WR Roy Williams said about his teammate RB Kevin Jones. Remember what I said about drama in Detroit? You're robbing yourself by not going here every couple days.

Quote of the Day

"They cleaned the boat off, wandering around picking up used rubbers, KY Jelly, Handi Wipes, wrappers for sex toys ... it was just incredible how it was left."
-Stephen Doyle, lawyer for the Charter boat the Minnesota Vikings allegedly had a sex party on.

Ramming Speed- Week 6 Picks

Not so frisky, red!


The stakes? Humiliation at the hands of your friends. Never pick against the home team. Who would?! At the end, whiskers will be grown. To form a mustache. Follow the action over at Mr. Slag's site. Kitschy!

ATL @ NOSun 1:00PM
With Deuce the Saints didn't put up a TD in Green Bay. Now there's no Deuce. Ouch. Falcons win.
JAC @ PITSun 1:00PM
Big Ben hoot is widdle knee? Ohh, poor Benny. That's what Mr. Leftwich is thinking. I'm taking the Jags.
MIA @ TBSun 1:00PM
The snack bar ran out of nachos. Because Ricky Williams is back. Cadillac is still hurt for TB. I'm taking the Fish. Again.
CLE @ BALSun 1:00PM
Trent Dilfer won a freakin' Super Bowl with Baltimore. I bet the wish he was still there. Kyle Boller? Sucks. In my experience, people named Kyle are retarded. Trent Dilfer and Browns sneak away with this one.
MIN @ CHISun 1:00PM
What did I just say about people name Kyle sucking? Kyle Orton? Damn. Lucky for him, that's a talent the Vikings look for. How are the Vikings going to play after their boat experience? Who cares! Isn't there a body of water near Chicago? Go plunder some booty, boys! Bears and Jack Daniels win.
NYG @ DALSun 1:00PM
Tough one. Dallas handled Philly. But NY has a running game...coming off a bye, too. I think the Cotton Gin takes this one. Giants.
CAR @ DETSun 1:00PM
I still read the Detroit Free Press every day, due to the drama that surrounds the Lions. Awesome reading. These guys HATE each other. Carolina wins while the Lions brawl on the sidelines.
CIN @ TENSun 1:00PM
Cincy is going on another streak. A losing one. High scoring. But the Titans will have a higher one.
WAS @ KCSun 1:00PM
Redskins and Chiefs. What freakin' Millenium is this? Redskins?! Even the NBA bullets had to change their name. Whatever. Chiefs win, quimosabe.
SD @ OAKSun 4:15PM
I hope I get to see this game. Should be tons of scoring on both sides. But the Chargers have LT. When in doubt, go with LT.
NE @ DENSun 4:15PM
Good match up. Jake and his stache' vs. No Lips Brady. When in doubt, go with the stache. Denver.
NYJ @ BUFSun 4:15PM
Why does NY have 3 teams? That's bull crap. I wish Portland had a team I'd never bet against them. Promise. Buffalo wins.
HOU @ SEASun 8:30PM
Sunday night game, baby! Awesome. By this time, I should be forgiven. If only because Chris has found something new to be bitter about and everyone else is sick of Ramcrisp.
STL @ INDMon 9:00PM
I wish Mike Martz was healthy. Without him, the play calling might be intelligent. Steven Jackson might see some rushes...but I don't think it matters in Indy. Please get well soon, Mike.

Evil Has Left the Hive. And it's Pissed.

Or what? You'll release the dogs, or the bees, or the dogs with bees in their mouths and when they bark they shoot bees at you?
Halloween is on the way. It's not stopping for anybody. Not you. Not me. Not your pets. Not even for a cheeseburger.
As all Hallows Eve draws nigh, I feel the need to begin on my costume. To go to the local 'pumpkin patch' (Safeway parking lot) and pick out the very best gourd I can lay my sweaty palms on. The one that calls to me. That says "Evil lays within me. Lay a knife to my orange skin and carve out the demon that is screaming to come out. Oh, and bake my guts, too."
I shall. I shall. I can't WAIT to carve me some punk'ins. I get sick from eating too many punk'in seeds every year. Unlike Chris. Who just gets sick eating seed. Is anyone else going to dress up this year? We're pushing 30. We still play guns in the basement. Play video games till 3am. And ride bikes. So if you're not, I'd like to know why.
If you feel that you're just above it, fine. That's cool. But let me pose this question: Are your pets above it? ARE THEY? I think not. Especially after going to this site: The Scariest Dogs EVAR. If you have a weak heart, I beg you not to go there. I BEG YOU! For the sights you will see...my God...they'll scar you for life. I wasn't prepared for the horrors. Especially the terror known only as Levi Elvis.
If this doesn't inspire you to prepare for Halloween. I don't know what will. Except the promise of free candy. It's in the back of my van here. Can you help me find it?

I'll Never See My Friends Again

Forgive me for a being a few days behind on Oregon news. Aside from the Blazers training camps, I haven't been paying much attention. Until, I felt a disturbance in the Force. It was as if a million voices cried out at once. Then lit a cigarette.
As I was rockin' out to Valient Thorr, there was a buzz at the door. It was my Father-In-Law. Stopping by to talk some hockey and to smack me around for my football picks. In between upper cuts and right hooks, he asked me if I'd heard what Oregon had done?
Trying to stay conscious I reply "What they've done? What do you mean?"
"Live Sex shows." This is awkward on so many levels. I'm from Oregon. And I didn't know whether to act disgusted or give him a high five.
I got online just to make sure the Canadians weren't spreading misinformation. They weren't. And misinformation isn't the only thing spreading in Oregon right now.
I have just one question. Did this go through the City Council? Probably not. Since it's a State issue. But, let's just pretend it did. Go through the City Council. I wonder how the representative from Multnomah County would have voted. Just curious.
In other news, my Dad has inexplicably canceled his trip. "Something has come up." Huh.

Jake Plummer Award: Week (weak) 5

I don't know how to put this. The wheels not only came off this week. Everything exploded. And I deserved it. After breaking the unstated rule...because it was unstated, I picked against the Seahawks to win. That's right. I picked the Seahawks to lose. Not to just any team...the Rams. Because the rule was unstated, I ignored it. Because I didn't know it was there. Many angry e-mails, posts and telephone messages later ("The more I think about it, the angrier I get"-Chris on the voicemail)...I've come to regret my decision. Mostly because the Seahawks won.
It's at this point that I wish that I had Christian friends. That way, they could find it in their hearts to forgive me. Even if they were Christian, they don't have hearts. So I'm screwed. Sorry guys. I've learned my lesson.
I had the absolute WORST picks of the contest thus far. Even worse than Karl. EVEN WORSE THAN KARL. The only consolation is that I won my Fantasy game. And that I get to drown my sorrows in turkey sammiches. It was the Canadian Thanksgiving on Sunday. I don't know what exactly they're thankful for yet, but I'll find out. I think it's that they got rid of Celine Dion. Whatever. I'm gonna go pray to Dave Krieg for forgiveness.

Week 5 Bright Fancy Tasty Picks! (18-10 so far)

Follow the action at Mr. Slag's site.
SEA @ STLSun 1:00PM
D-Jack and Mr. Engram are sitting out. Apparently they don't want to miss any hockey on Sunday! I hate to say it, but St. Louis takes this one in the dome.
TB @ NYJSun 1:00PM
The new Cadillac is in the shop for Tampa. The Jets are bringing out a classic. Instead of Gatorade, the Jets will have Metamucil on their sideline. As long as Brett Favre hasn't drank it all. Tampa is still going to be undefeated after Sunday.
TEN @ HOUSun 1:00PM
Man. What an ugly game. The fact that Houston almost beat Cincy last weekend gives me a feeling that they're due. Am I wrong? Maybe. But I'll take Houston.
NE @ ATLSun 1:00PM
Atlanta at home. Awesome running game. NE is banged up on defense. Tom 'No Lips' Brady is 'mad'. Whatever. He can stay mad. Because the Falcons are gonna win.
MIA @ BUFSun 1:00PM
Ugh. Why som many ugly games?!! Even the 4 below this one suck! Dolphins coming off a bye and Buffalo is starting a guy with a girls name. Kelly Holcomb. I'm taking the fish to win this one. Yes I know that dolphins aren't fish. But they taste like it!
CHI @ CLESun 1:00PM
Jesus. Cleveland. Okay? Man. Maybe I'll be watching hockey with Bobby and Darrell.
BAL @ DETSun 1:00PM
SERIOUSLY!! With Mr. Rogers out 4 games due to Koren Robinson syndrome, the Lions will be starting a rookie WR. Baltimore has the wicked defense. But no Offense. I'll take Detroit at home. Plus that hottie Joey Harrington plays for em'.
NO @ GNBSun 1:00PM
The Pack are playing at the Home. I hear they're getting pudding with dinner! Brett will be happy. Hopefully the pudding will take away the sting of being winless. The Saints win this one.
IND @ SFSun 4:05PM
Peyton will be trying out his Halloween costume here. He's going as a pirate. So to give the 49ers a chance, he'll be wearing his eye patch. Both of them. Oh, and Alex Smith is starting at QB for the 49ers. I think he waxes his eyebrows. And wears eyeliner. Tell me I'm wrong.
PHI @ DAL
Are there any games worth watching? Dammit! Iggles win.
WAS @ DENSun 4:15PM
Jake and the Stache take this one.
CAR @ ARISun 4:15PM
The Cardinals will be debuting their brown jerseys this game. Not on purpose. But about 3 minutes into the 1st quarter the affects of the water from Mexico City will kick in. Carolina wins.
CIN @ JACSun 8:30PM
I want to say Jax. But Denver beat em' last week. Cincy barely squeeked by Houston. Crap. Byron and the Jags win.
PIT @ SDMon 9:00PM
Pit comin' off a bye. All the RB's might be healthy. But SD is a monster. I'm taking SD at home for MNF.

Chimps:1 Tobacco: 0

Do you smoke? Really? Did you know that Ai Ai the chimpanzee smokes? Well, USED to smoke? NOW how cool are you? Even chimps are quitting!! That's how lame it is! Remember when chimps started riding skateboards? Two years later, Tony Hawk was flipping his bangs out of his eyes and doing kick flips.
I just hope chimps don't start wearing pants all the time. I don't wanna be a nerd...but pants...c'mon. So RESTRICTING.
Anyay, Ai Ai started smoking SIXTEEN EFFING years ago! She started when her hubby went to the big testing lab in the sky.
Then her SECOND old man died. Probably riding a motorcycle. Then her daughter left for another zoo. They just grow up so fast, eh Ai Ai? One second they're suckling for milk, the next they're flinging poo in your face. Then they're gone. You smoke girl. Smoke as much as you want.
And she did. But now she quit. And eats fried food. Read the article...it's shorter than this shit!

My Effing Movie Premiere!

I discovered Microsoft Movie Maker a while ago on my computer. I was astounded at the potential that was laying dormant in my computer. My mind raced with scenerios...movies...zombies...ANYTHING.
But alas, I had left my camera at the Black Cat tavern in Portland. Gone. It's whereabouts known, but not acknowledged. I wouldn't be taking any footage/pictures of my own for a long time.
It was with a heavy heart, that I asked....PLEADED, for footage that I could use to teach myself Movie Maker. Footage of my homey's. Of my family. Of dogs going ape shit. But it never materialized. Until now.
Mr. Slag and Chris got together last weeknd for a mountain bike trip. Somewhere in Olympia. Mr. Slag had the peace of mind to bring his camera. For where Chris goes, awesome crashes are sure to follow. Whether it's him or somebody else that eats shit...it doesn't matter. Mr. Slag posted some of his video footage and pictures from this trip on his site.
Unbeknownst to him, I hijacked the footage. Devoured it. Using Movie Maker, I made a movie. Well. More of a slideshow. But there's music. And titles. And credits. Ohhhhhh yeah. I'm learning. So please, sit back, click and enjoy...I've Made A Huge Mistake.
A tale of Chris' woes of two wheeled expeditions.

Hockey Night In...THE WORLD!!!

Though the world may be going crazy...all is well. Hockey starts tonight. I'm a fairly new fan. Within the last 4 years...and I can't wait. I've got my Kipprusoff shirt on...yes!
NFL is my first love. I grew up with it. But after watching tons of Jr. Hockey (Go Silvertips!) and being at a Stanley Cup Playoff game, hockey has become my mistress. A mistress that gently pulls my sweater over my head, and pummels my face with her gigantic fists. Ahhhhh.
Not only is it fun to watch, but I'm now in a hockey pool. I picked mostly Americans. I'm gonna get my ass kicked. GO FLAMES GO!!

Week 4 Jake Plummer Award

For the second straight week, Hurricane Kyletrina has taken the distinguished honor (honour) of wearing the stache'. At least he got HALF his picks right this week. Mr. Slag had a scare as he went 8-6. Amber Alert redeemed himself as he tied with my (consistent) 9-5.

How will next week pan out? I have a feeling that I'm gonna have to find more pictures of Hurricane Kyletrina.

Call the Feds

After reading the post entitled "Life Is Just Too Short" (Too Short...I heard he was dead!) on Odd Vitamins, I couldn't help but feel...frightened. I tried to paste the link to the pic on the site...but (not) shockingly, the link...the TECHNOLOGY...wouldn't work. So now I'm putting it on MY blog. The truth really IS out there. Tell my wife I love her if I wind up opening the mail...and don't make it back.

I'm exited about hockey...but...

**shiver** Creeeeepy.

I'm not sorry.

Week 4 Picks

Alright, here we go. A quarter of the way through the season....wow. Plus it's gonna be October! Mr. Slag has the new Flourescent Psycho Tasty Grid up. Just list your picks as directed, yo. On to my thoughts (or stop reading here.)

Sunday, October 2
Buffalo at New Orleans, 1:00 p.m.
This game is gonna be played in Texas at the Alamo Dome. One of two new 'homes' for the Saints. I think the Saints win the closest thing they've got to a home opener.
Denver at Jacksonville, 1:00 p.m
Jake Plummer (aka The Stache') vs Groin Pains. I like Jacksonville's D (hahaha). Jags win.
Detroit at Tampa Bay, 1:00 p.m.
Detroit had a bye last week. In which time they moved into first place in their division. Which don't mean sheeyot. As much as I love Joey and Kevin Jones (What's my NAME?!)...I like Tampa's D (shut UP). Tampa rolls.
Houston at Cincinnati, 1:00 p.m.
Bengals are gonna be 4-0. There's going to be a Carr crash...ooohhh...sorry. Please don't kill me.
Indianapolis at Tennessee, 1:00 p.m.
McNair and Bennett have toe injuries. Reported on the same day. Jungle fever! I think Indy wins and we get our first Billy Volek (my fantasy hero) siting.
Philadelphia at Kansas City, 1:00 p.m.
McNabb needs surgery. Effed up his abs...which means he's gonna play like a crazy man. Philly.
San Diego at New England, 1:00 p.m.
This one is tough. The Chargers offense is sweet and the Pat's defense is falling apart at the seams. But they've still got Brady throwing the ball to get Veniteri into FG range. I'll take SD.
Seattle at Washington, 1:00 p.m.
Hasselbeck and the Seahawks on the road. Against a tough defense. I don't like it...but my heart says Seattle.
St. Louis at N.Y. Giants, 1:00 p.m.
If Mr. S. Jackson gets the ball, the Rams will win. If not, the Rams will still win. Choke on horse balls, Eli.
N.Y. Jets at Baltimore, 4:05 p.m.
Ahhhh hahahahahaha! Please...please don't show this game in my area on Sunday. Baltimore wins this battle of the 'how the hell am I a starting QB in the NFL' game.
Dallas at Oakland, 4:15 p.m.
Dallas almost lost to SF last week. Rallied late. I think the Raiders get their first win here.
Minnesota at Atlanta, 4:15 p.m.
Is Dante back? I dunno. But Mewelde Moore is. As much as I might regret it...Vikings win.
San Francisco at Arizona, 8:30 p.m.
This game is going to be played in Mexico City. I have no idea why. I think the people of Mexico City are gonna be pissed when they realize it's AMERICAN Football that's being played. Not soccer. 49ers win. And get super high on some Metchican weed.

Monday, Oct. 3
Green Bay at Carolina, 9:00 p.m.
The Panters keep letting me down. Not this week. Because there's a magic show at the 'home, and Brett isn't going to miss it for the world! Panthers win.

I'm not the saddest thing in this picture. Look at poor Ken's clock. "I wike thwimming!" 

I'm capable of tearing out your LUNGS!! Spot of tea? Thanks Brian! Time well spent. 

I miss the discipline and uniform of the military. I miss being a hero...every day. 

A Time to Reflect

Originally the title said A TIM to Reflect. Typo. But pretty funny...to me. Why? Because sometimes you need a Tim to reflect. Maybe Tim is holding a mirror for you in the morning...and you see that button you missed on your fly. Or maybe Tim asks you "Hey, do you ever think a few months back?"
"To what, Tim?" He responds "To when you had a fucking job, you loser! You wore a uniform for God's sake!! Now look at you! You haven't had a decent hair cut in months. You don't shave, except on special occasions...like the 2 week anniversary of the last time you shaved. And don't get me started on the pajamas. Jesus, man...GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF!!"
As I wipe the tears from my eyes and recover the butcher knife from Tim's throat, I realize that yes. Yes I do think about my old life. My American life. Sometimes I even miss it. I mean, I was in the MILITARY! Or, at least, the Coast Guard! I miss the paperwork. My See You In Toledo boss. And my homey's. And now I miss Tim.

Holy crap. They're TOTALLY biting our style! Thanks to Oddvitamins for the pic.

Jake Plummer Award

The day of reckoning is upon us. One of many. Tuesday.
You see, the first week of our football picks is behind us. Mr. Slag, Myself and The Mayor have a tied for first at 9-5. Not too bad. Holding up the winners on their fat shoulders are Amber Alert and Karl. Two guys that I'd expect a lot more from (I'm just saying that to make them feel better). They finished 7-7 and 6-8 (not so respectively). In my mind, both tying for last place. Plus I have this picture of them together I've been waiting to use.
Why the mustacthes? Well, Mr. Slag and Mr. Double A decided that at the end of the season, the loser has to grow a mustache. I know this was Amber Alert's idea. I KNOW this. Why? Aside from knowing him for twenty years (it's cost my dad a fortune)...well, there's really no aside. That's why I know.
1st grade Rycrisp: Let's see who can jump their bike the highest!
1st grade Amber A.: Okay! But the loser has to grow a mustache.
He would then hardly make it off the jump. "I lose!"
It seems to be the stake in many of our contests. Or at the end of a long weekend where we haven't shaved. "I'm leaving the mustache."
Why is this? I have no idea. Both our Dad's have the stache'. But I have a feeling Amber will be picking Green Bay and Arizona to win each week.
Alert's Lady: Hi! Just thought I'd drop by...oh my god. Um. What happened to you?
Alert: Oh, this? (With a huge smile) I lost a bet. Nothing I could do. Shall we go get some sushi?
Lady: No. No we shan't.

Daily Show Predictions

So I'm installing some shelves that the wife and I bought this weekend. Got my drill and the eye of the tiger. I was rockin' out for awhile (I LOVE the new Hillary Duff album!) then took a break for lunch. I turned on CNN and the old FEMA Director Michael Brown is getting DESTROYED by Seanators. Holy crap. He and a republican Senator (some white guy with gray hair...oh...no help...sorry) were trading barbs. Then, for reasons I can't explain, the senator held his hands up (in a way one would use to describe a small fish...or weiner) and continued to grill Brown. Brown continued to blame everyone but himself, which might be one of the reasons he was canned. Anyway, I'm looking forward to the Daily Show tonight...the picture of the Senator making fun of Brown's weiner will be showing up. Please Buddha. Let it be.

Arrested Development TONIGHT

I know this is late...but the Bluths are on tonight!

NY Gimps

Man, what a great weekend of football. Two way tie with the Mayor in picks, Mr. Slag is knockin' on the door. Made some awesome crock pot chicken drumsticks. And I'm undefeated in my Fantasy Football league. Things are looking great on the geek front.I'm watching highlights right now...and then a news conference comes on. Who's news conference? Why, Herman Edwards, the Head Coach for the NY Jets. Why? Well, because Chad Pennington is hurt. His shoulder is effed. Just like I predicted. Kyle. My brother. Who wants a menage a tois with Bret Favre and Chad...sorry buddy. Here's what I said about Mr. Pennington in our picks this week:
Rycrisp- ... Penny...I don't care what people are saying. His arm is going to stay attached...to the football and seperate from his body...
Lil' Brudder Karl- This one is tough. Chad showed he is not done (Ryan). Martin is still looking for a good game. Byron is a straight out bad ass. Martin breaks one off in the Jags ass and the jets take it.
And one more...though I was a week early:
Miami at NY Jets J-E-T-S Jets, Jets, LOSE! Penny's arm is done.
Much love.

Early X-Mas

I need this.

Mr. Slag's Crazy Football Pick Machine!

The football picks are now up on Mr. Slag's site. Let me just say how AWESOME this thing looks. Mr. Slag did a great job. It's great knowing somebody who has mastered the nerd arts. I am but a padowan. From now on, I'll post the shedule and the comments for each game. For easy tracking, you can go to Mr. Slag's site to see how you're doing and who's ass is going to appear where.
I'd also like to thank The Mayor, Mr. Slag (again), Karl and Amber Alert for submitting picks. Oh, and myself. For making this all possible.

Dead and Breakfast

Zombies. I can't get enough of em'. I just can't. Lately, a lot of film makers (good and bad) seem to share my obsession. My poor wife has had to sit through countless movies with zombies. Some suck (The Ghouls). Some rock. I tried to show her how cool zombie/demon movies can be with Evil Dead and Evil Dead 2. The latter being one of the greatest movies of all time.
There is SO much geek appeal to it. Sam Raimi (homeboy that makes Spiderman flicks now) and Bruce Campbell (one of my favorite actors). Anyway, I've always liked cheesey gore/horror movies. Dead Alive still remains one of the goriest ever. The part with the lawnmower. FUCKING AWESOME!! Sigh. Sorry. Back on track.
Maplecrisp and I have been renting TONS of movies. It just makes sense financially...plus I always get in trouble at the theater. Pee Wee didn't blaze as many trails as I thought. They get PISSED when I watch a movie naked. So now we rent movies. Which is cooler. No crying babies, lice on the seats, cell phones, or people talking. Oh, and we get to see indie movies. Like Dead and Breakfast.Now, I realize this won't appeal to a lot of you right away. Because you've seen too many romantic comedies or reality tv.
But you HAVe to see this movie. I wouldn't reccomend it if I thought y'all would hate it. Afterall, it's MY genre...Hugh Grant isn't in it. So why would you like it?Witty. It's got some funny ass dialoge. The segue between scenes is completely original. It involves a gas station attendant
that also has his own Rockabilly/Punk/Country...Rap band. The rap comes later. Holy shit. The lyrics are HILARIOUS. I thought of Amber Alert and Mr. Slag so many times. The wife found some of them inappropriate and I got in trouble for laughing at them...so rad. Man. I need to buy this movie. Still not enough?How about guest stars galore. The French dude...oh man....you'll recognize him. And the best one? The Bride. I'll give you a hint: Bluth. You guys, see this movie. Yes, there's a part where a deaf mute gets killed with shears. Yes a hammer gets
stuck in a chicks head (who is listed in the credits as "The Chick with the foaming mouth"). YES YOU SHOULD SEE IT! The music alone...I'm watching it again. Fuck y'all.

Crazy Fun Soft Much Awesome Football Picks! Week 3

Alright, it has.....BEGUN! Still waiting on the guy who started all this (Mr. Slag) and the Mayor. Awesome surprise in my e-mail. No. Not my Viagra prescription, Amber Alert sent his picks! Thanks, homey. Oh, and apparently he's got 10 bucks on this. Don't know how to set that up. Plus I don't have ten bucks. If somebody can send me a chart like the one they use on ESPN, we'll use the same type of chart.
That way we can track things this weekend a bit easier. Thanks!

Sunday, Sep. 25
Atlanta at Buffalo 1:00 p.m
Rycrisp- Vick has owies. Buffalo has J.P. Losman (still stuck in my head!) throwing for them. I'm going with Buffalo and their O.J. uniforms, their gonna KILL Atlanta! Hahahahaha...ohhh...sorry.

-Lil' Brudder Karl- Vick is hurt, Mcgahee is a pimp. Buffalo takes this.

-Amber Alert- Falcons over Bills
Carolina at Miami 1:00 p.m.
Rycrisp- Grrrr row wowrrrr!! Hopefully the Panthers aren't too full of themselves after beating NE (thank you very much). Miami let me down in NY. I hope the Panthers and their 1986 style take down the dolphins. Isn't Ricky back soon? I can't wait. Do they play against the Raiders? Do you think he and Moss will get together? "Hey Randy." "Hey Ricky" "Dude....we both have R names that end in y! Neeeeeyahahahahaha!!" "That's so awwweesommmme!!! Let's eat these brownies I made. Put this mask on." So yeah. Panthers.

-Lil' Brudder Karl- uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Carolina

-Amber Alert- Panthers over Dolphins

Cincinnati at Chicago 1:00 p.m.
Rycrisp- Is the Chicago Bear getting his temp checked? Look at him! "Where's that thermometer going to go..ohhhhhhhrrraarrrrrr!!!" Chicago has the stfling Defense...Cinci has Senor Palmer/ Johnson squared/ Hakunamatata....and Palmer. Too much. I like The Bengals in this one.

Lil' Brudder Karl- Palm Palm Palmer takes the bears D down. Cincie wins it.

-Amber Alert- Bears over Bengals
Cleveland at Indianapolis 1:00 p.m.
Rycrisp- Trent effing Dilfer. We miss you in Seattle...it's scary without you. Prince is backing up Matt....but it's good to see you doing so well. Indy's defense looks like the real deal. During Cleveland's game at Lambeau Retirement Home, they socked it to the geezers. I'm taking Indy. I hope I'm wrong.

Lil' Brudder Karl- Indy. Is there any need for an explanation?

-Amber Alert- Colts over Ryan's Underwear

Jacksonville at N.Y. Jets 1:00 p.m.
Rycrisp- Remember that show Growing Pains? Byron Leftwitch should star in the remake. It'll be called Groin Pains. He's got boo-boos...but dammit, that dude is tough. Penny...I don't care what people are saying. His arm is going to stay attached...to the football and seperate from his body. And L. Coles...woah. Groin Pains wins.

Lil' Brudder Karl- This one is tough. Chad showed he is not done (Ryan). Martin is still looking for a good game. Byron is a straight out bad ass. Martin breaks one off in the Jags ass and the jets take it.

-Amber Alert- Jets over Jags
New Orleans at Minnesota 1:00 p.m.
Rycrisp- BOOOOOOOOOOO..ooooo...ooo....(breathe in) BOOOOOOOOOOOO!! Are the people in Minnesota celebrating Halloween early? Nope. They are PISSED. Dante is looking worse than Amber Alert after a night of Jesus Juice and Marlboros. Are they looking to rally? I dunno. The Saints have gotten totally effed over this season. Hurricane Tagliabue just won't let up. I think Minnesota takes this one. Mike Tice needs to concentrate on getting Mewelde Moore into the game and not who the highest bidder on Ebay is for his Super Bowl tix.

Lil' Brudder Karl- Dante needs to either get off the drugs or get back on them. Moore is in the same boat as Dante. America's team is going to take this game with an ass whooping. Minnesota is due to get their shit together but it wont be this week.

-Amber Alert- Vikings over Katrina
Oakland at Philadelphia 1:00 p.m.
Rycrisp- Terrell Owens is playing against his future team. Iggles win.

Lil' Brudder Karl- Last year it was Philly hands down. Now it is tough. Still Philly though

-Amber Alert- Raiders over Eagles (That's right bitches)

Tampa Bay at Green Bay 1:00 p.m.
Rycrisp- Oh man! Battle of the Bays! Who's Favre's back up? I don't know...but we'll be finding out soon. The Bucs defense is going to force Favre to fill his diapers 3 times before the half. Then Cadillac is going to continue his ROTY campaign. How many passes will slip out of Brett's hands? You know, those ones where he goes to throw and it just falls behind his shoulder and bounces off his back. I LOVE that. I say four.

Lil' Brudder Karl- No matter what everyone else thinks. Favre is not done, He is going to be pissed and blow up the scoreboard. Green bay

-Amber Alert- TB over GB

Tennessee at St. Louis 1:00 p.m.
Rycrisp- Tough one. The Titans defense made Jamal Lewis their bitch last week. He was smuggling smokes in his ass for them. St. Louis has a MUCH stronger O-Line, though. But the Rams defense is crap. So I think this game is going to be an offensive battle...one that Old Man McNair and co are gonna win. Bulger has a nervous tick. He blinks. A LOT.

Lil' Brudder Karl- Mcnair is going to put up some numbers and I hate Bulger so Titans take this

-Amber Alert- Titans over Rams

Arizona at Seattle 4:05 p.m.
Rycrisp- Kurt Warner is going to hand out autographed bibles before the game. Doesn't it make sense that he plays for the Cardinals? Seattle wins...Engram...big game. Please bring back Taco Wallace.

Lil' Brudder Karl- Seattle. What more can I say. Alexander is good for 150 and 2 TDs

-Amber Alert- Seahawks over God's Cardinals (I mean Kurt Warner's Cardinals)

Dallas at San Francisco 4:05 p.m.
Rycrisp- Somebody on the 'Niners has garn'teed a victory. For SF. Unless he's talking about when SF plays Green Bay, he's wrong. Dallas and Double J aren't going to forget the diseased blankets like they did last game. Cowboys win.

Lil' Brudder Karl- Dallas. I don't care who wins but Dallas takes it.

-Amber Alert- Dallas over SF

New England at Pittsburgh 4:15 p.m.
Rycrisp- NE struggled against Oakland. Lost to Carolina (thank you very much) and will now be on a streak. A LOSING streak. Big Ben and Fast Willie, they gay porn duo, win.

Lil' Brudder Karl- Big Ben baby. Fuck NE. They are going down. (rycrisp- tell us how you REALLY feel, Kyle).

-Amber Alert- Steelers over Pats

N.Y. Giants at San Diego 8:30 p.m.
Rycrisp- I hope SD wears the powder blues. Because they want to dress up for their first win of the year. Eli didn't wanna play in SD. Thank god. He would've ruined the Chargers for me. He's ruined the Giants for me. Get Avian Flu, Eli.

Lil' Brudder Karl- LT, Brees, Gates. It is over Eli. Oh and screw you Eli…I hate you. Chargers

-Amber Alert- Bolts over Eli

Monday, Sep. 26
Kansas City at Denver 9:00 p.m.
Rycrisp- Denver's backfield is messier than an hourly hotels sheets. They just brought Lil' Q. Griffin back. Yikes. On the flip side, KC has one of the best backfields in the NFL. I think Jake is gonna be showing the finger again. I hope. KC wins.

Lil' Brudder Karl- Denver has a decent D. Kansas has arguably the best offense in the league. KC takes it by a mile.

-Amber Alert- KC over the Sunshine Band (Denver)

Postaholics Anonymous

Your anonymity is almost as important as your individuality. Take prank phone calls for instance. "What are you wearing?" "Is your fridge running?" "I know who likes you." "I'm going to kill you."
But you can't make them anymore. Not without people knowing it's you...thanks a lot *69 and caller ID. I hate you.
BAM! Now it's the future. You could post anonymous on my blog just a month ago. Then I got power hungry. I made everybody get an identity, that I logged and researched. I know what size your pants are...I needed this info to put my plans for...whatever, I was sick of the spam. Well, some of those cocksuckers have Blogger accounts that commen when I put up a new post. No mas. We're gonna kick it old school. Keep it real...with a twist. Blogger has word verification now. You know, the weird ass letters you have to read, then type when entering porn sites....I mean...getting your library card. So from here on, you can be whoever you want. Just don't be a pussy. Reeyow!

Week Thu-reee

Here's the schedule for this weekends games. I'd like to do dis shizzy in html so we can add our comments. In the meantime, just send me your picks with a brief comment of each game. Or just send me your picks. If you have an idea for a different format, lemme know. I'll get em' posted by Friday...

Let There Be Peace on Earth...sort of.

Canada and Denmark have come to terms regarding Hans Island. Kinda.

Detroit...City of Anger

Thanks to football getting underway, my blog will reflect how I've become consumed. In one such way, I like to read newspapers from cities that have crappy teams. Seattle? Check. But Seattle writers have Mono Rails and latte taxes to distract them. Detroit? Apparently a basketball championship a year ago won't satiate their hunger for a winner.
They HATE Joey Harrington (an Oregon native). I know Amber Alert likes negative movie reviews. Well check what they're saying about the Lions after their blow out loss on Sunday. He's an excerpt from just ONE of the writers, Mitch Albom
"The next time the Lions want to know why their fans don't believe in them, they should take the tape from Sunday's first half and hit "play."
Which will be the first time that verb was used."
Holy cow. Regarding Joey Harrington's pass protection:
"... His offensive line made FEMA look effective.."
And how does he feel about wasting his Sunday watching the game? How should the Lions repay him?
"They should be forced to watch this waste of a Sunday until they're ready to vomit..."
This guy is just one writer. Go check out http://www.freep.com/index/lions.htm

Sir, I CHALLENGE you.

Did you see that episode of the Simpsons where Homer invents the Tomacco? He interbred domaters' and tobacco, with a bit of radioactivity. Great episode.
Do you remember how Homer got to the point of farming? No? Zorro. Zorro was to blame. He was always slapping people with a glove and challenging them to a duel. Homer did this to one too many people (a southern Gentleman) and had to leave town. Well, my homey Josh has challenged me. No, not to a pistol duel. Or a sword battle ( we did that as kids....over the torlet). Josh (who I've never known to follow sports...except water sports) believes he can do better on picking the football games this weekend.
Mr. Slag? I ACCEPT. I will be drafting a format and e-mailing it to you.
Anybody else who wants in, just let me know. I do believe that Kyle has accepted this as well. We had to let a girl in for equal rights purposes.
Slag suggested that the loser post a picture of Slag's ass on their site. Seeing as I've already done that, we need higher stakes. Plus I'd do that win or lose anyways. So if you have a suggestion, leave it in the comments. No wife swapping.

Grow On the Side of a Tree!

Have you ever wanted to score tons of white chicks? Get pulled over while driving your car? Maybe smoke weed every once in a blue moon? But you just can't seem to get the right emotion/skin color to do it? Worry no more. Randy Moss has yo' cracker back. Let Randy do all the embarassing things for you.
Breaking News!!
Randy Moss was spotted filling up his 88' Camaro, ordering a #2 at McDonald's, shopping for diapers, holding his wife's purse (is he even married?), picking up tampons, driving a mini-van and watching Sex in the City!!

Fuhbuh Picks

Week 2 SUNDAY, SEP 18
Pittsburgh at Houston
Big Ben is hurt. Willie Parker is a mad man. I'm going with Pitt.
Detroit at Chicago
Holy crap. This one's tough. I have a man crush on Joey...he's an Oregon kid. Representing the NW...but he got rid of the Jake Plummer beard. The Bears have an awesome defense...and the Fridge! They didn't allow a TD in week 1...but that was also against Washington. I don't think Detroit (or my man Kevin Jones...back then you didn't know me...) will be able to run the ball. But Mr. Rogers and Senor Williams will make a difference. Oh. And Pollard too. Detroit. Close one.
Minnesota at Cincinnati
I think Cinci is starting 2-0 this season. At least I hope. Since I'm picking them to win. They're at home...but I think Dante is gonna have a better game this week.
Jacksonville at Indianapolis
Dammit. I am NOT a Colts fan. At all. Having said that, they are still a force to be reckoned with. Like gum in your hair. Or oil on your shirt. And at home. Indy...but I'll be pullin' for Byron to prove me wrong.
Baltimore at Tennessee
This game is going to be lopsided for Baltimore, or Old Man McNair is gonna pull through. I'm going with the latter. Home opener. Everyone talkin' trash...plus they have a guy named Pac Man. Titans win.
New England at Carolina
I guess I was on the Carolina bandwagon. I had this game as a Super Bowl preview. I didn't know SI picked the same thing. Stupid satellites. I'm taking Carolina. It was too close with Oakland for NE (in the first half when Sapp and Co. were still riding high on their Big Mac buzz). I don't think Carolina's defense is gonna tire out in the second half.
Buffalo at Tampa Bay
Defense game. J.P. Losman (whose name still gets stuck in my head. It's like a bad song.) and Brian Griese. I'm going with Tampa. Cadillac will be the difference. Or not. What? It makes it sound like I know what I'm talking about!
San Francisco at Philadelphia
At least this week there's gonna be a tie for first in the NFC West.
St. Louis at Arizona
Ugh. 2 things I despise (no, not baths and toothpaste). Kurt Warner and the Rams. I'm taking...oh man...this throw-up tastes bad...Rams. Stephen Jackson.
Atlanta at Seattle
My heart says Seattle. And my heart will be right if Seattle can start a brawl before the game that involves Michael Vick and the Falcons defense. I hope I'm wrong, Atlanta takes this one.
Miami at NY Jets
J-E-T-S Jets, Jets, LOSE! Penny's arm is done.
Cleveland at Green Bay
Reggie White's number is going to be retired on Sunday. That on top of Walker being gone and the embarrassing loss last week, I think the Packers are going to rebound. Does it count as a rebound against Cleveland?
San Diego at Denver
Jake the Snake. Jake throws a TD, body slams a linebacker...."what's he got there? A bag? It's moving! There's something in the bag! What's he doing?! OH MY GOD!" Then Jake puts a big ass boa constrictor on the linebacker. And does a line of coke. San Diego and the returning Antonio Gates will take this.
Kansas City at Oakland
KC will outscore Oakland. I don't know about all this KC defense crap. But their offense is nuts.
-MONDAY, SEP 19
NY Giants at New Orleans -Giants Stadium
How is this New York AT New Orleans? IN New York? And all this "The Saints are America's Team..." Shut up. Get off the saints' jocks. They're America's team because they're homeless? Because they're representing a region stricken with poverty? Because LA is a red state? Right.
I hate Eli Manning. America's Team wins. (the Saints.)
Washington at Dallas
Redskins (how the hell are they still called that?) and Cowboys (the 'other' America's Team...Jesus!) Washington has the reliable defense. Dallas is looking like they do too. But they've also got Julius. And Drew Bledsoe. Does that cancel Julius out? No, they have Keyshawn too! Oh wait. Right.Washington is already switching QB's. I'm taking Dallas and their sneaky plays.

Do You Like Pie?

I do. I also like wasting time. Now you can too!
SHUT YOUR PIE HOLE!

What's on Simon's mind? Why do you always resort to bestiality? That's not what's on his mind. Or maybe it is. I was just saying that's what everyone says. DAMMIT! 

(Another reason) Why the CFL is Funny.

I shuffle into the kitchen. Put 6 scoops of coffee in a filter, pour in 5 cups of water. Why is my head hurting? Was it from the Bon Jovi wake up at 6am? That can't be it. Who WOULDN'T want to wake up to Bon Jovi? On the radio, I mean. Then the wife hit snooze.
I wake up again to Britney Spears and Cletus being parents. But that wasn't enough. The radio went on to tell me she had her spawn by C-Section. I don't care what part of the Arena she's playing was unlucky enough to watch her give birth. TRIVIAL!
I slept for a little while longer. Crazy thoughts of babies and going down in a blaze of glory shooting threw my mind. Enough. I get up. As I'm drinking my coffee, I watch a bit of Sportscentre (yeah, the 'e' come AFTER) and the various knockoffs. That's when all hell broke loose. By all hell, I meant that I laughed out loud. The Ottawa Renegades (they totally don't care what people think) put RYAN LEAF on their negotiations list. If you don't know who he is...well, EXACTLY. Amber Alert knows him. This guy was a HUGE let down in the NFL...so was Ryan Leaf....haha!

Thanks Amber Alert!! Piper and I obviously don't have the same moral standards. As for my other hand? It's in my kilt.