The Odyssey

Another weekend has been owned. My balls were placed upon Friday nights/Saturday mornings chin. Dear weekend, I totally teabagged you. Along with that dude who has no qualms with shaving his "leg hair" over the torlet...Chris.
It all started with Friday putting me in a headlock. Waking up. Going to work...no lunch. Not a fun day. Yet. Then things changed when I had to call upon another ancient being. This one posesses the power of being my neighbor. Sort've. Anyway, thanks again to Josh "Schlag-Dawg I didn't ever see you nekkid in a chair being serviced". So anyway, I had to call on my new neighbor to help me load Jeff in the back of my rig. Yeah, I said rig. In the meantime he had to return his rental car (I feel bad for the next person to rent it, they're totally gonna get their ass cut on that sharp front seat). So I decided to take a nap with a poopy butt. Next thing I know Josh is at my door! What a pal. So I buzz him up, get a quick massage and we go to the garage to load Jeff up. A new technique was developed using bungee cords to keep Jeff upright. Not unlike the technique used in my brothers room on his Asian boyfriend. With that, I decide I don't wanna go upstairs to shower, so I left. Stoppede at 7-11 and picked up a pina-colada slurpee and got on the road.
I think at this point, Friday knew what was coming. He KNEW I was gonna own him. So he did everything he could to ruin the night. Including making me forget to call Chris to tell him I'd be late. So he wound up waiting around for...wait...did it really matter? Anyway Friday tried to get me with traffic too...But NPR wasn't gonna let that happen. Hell no!! They TOLD me it was gonna be slow. Sorry Friday! No surprises!! But it was slow. Then Against Me! stepped up to bat and I sang to the truck driver next to me. 10-4 good buddy!! See you at the rest stop next time Green Gatorman!
Finally I get to my destination. Friday is quivering. Even I had no idea what exactly was in store. Curveball! We go up to the Saphire Hotel to chill with some've Chris' amigos, just long enough to show our faces and get into an awkward situation (surprisingly not caused by Chris). Then I go get a lamb gyro and fries. Scarf it.
What now? Friday is peeing it's pants. "Shall we go ride?" "Yup." We mount up Jeff n' Purple Rain...who were happy to see each other again. Sporting new stickers and bird poop we roll out. We went on a journey of EPIC proportions. Alllll UP Fridays ass. Downtown? Check. West hills? Check. Sellwood? Yes I do, and check. Other parts of Portland? Check, check. Up hills at 20mph, back down em' at like...way fast. Sparks were flying as we rounded corners and the kickstands dragged beneath us. Frat boys yelled at us as we looked like TOTAL badasses at stop signs. I think they wanted to be us. My poopy butt was freezing at the end though. After Friday was finally left to die in some nasty bathroom and Saturday was trying to plan how to stop us, we rolled home.
Damn. This is actually turning into a real blog. WORD!
I awoke Saturday to "Get up bitch, breffiss is ready." And a soft kiss on the cheek. Okay, okay, I made up the part about breakfast.
So anyway, Chris had made burfiss. A meal of sausages(yup), eggs, coffee and wonderful company. Outside. In his backyard. Where all the neighbors finally struggled to come to some sort of conclusion. Then we helped them by getting on our scooters. Cruised around. Went to Beenie's b-day. Had another gyro. Threw darts. Kicked Saturday in the balls.
Hi Sunday? You see what I did to your friends? He did. We beat Sunday up a little bit. But you always forget not to fuck with Sunday. Why? Guess who Sunday called as we were giving him a purple nurple. Monday. I fuckin' hate Monday. You're such a dick!! Oh yeah. I cussed. SO?!
Oh! My burritos are ready. Perfect timing bitches!