Friday, September 30, 2005

Thursday, September 29, 2005

I'm not sorry.

Week 4 Picks

Alright, here we go. A quarter of the way through the season....wow. Plus it's gonna be October! Mr. Slag has the new Flourescent Psycho Tasty Grid up. Just list your picks as directed, yo. On to my thoughts (or stop reading here.)

Sunday, October 2
Buffalo at New Orleans, 1:00 p.m.
This game is gonna be played in Texas at the Alamo Dome. One of two new 'homes' for the Saints. I think the Saints win the closest thing they've got to a home opener.
Denver at Jacksonville, 1:00 p.m
Jake Plummer (aka The Stache') vs Groin Pains. I like Jacksonville's D (hahaha). Jags win.
Detroit at Tampa Bay, 1:00 p.m.
Detroit had a bye last week. In which time they moved into first place in their division. Which don't mean sheeyot. As much as I love Joey and Kevin Jones (What's my NAME?!)...I like Tampa's D (shut UP). Tampa rolls.
Houston at Cincinnati, 1:00 p.m.
Bengals are gonna be 4-0. There's going to be a Carr crash...ooohhh...sorry. Please don't kill me.
Indianapolis at Tennessee, 1:00 p.m.
McNair and Bennett have toe injuries. Reported on the same day. Jungle fever! I think Indy wins and we get our first Billy Volek (my fantasy hero) siting.
Philadelphia at Kansas City, 1:00 p.m.
McNabb needs surgery. Effed up his abs...which means he's gonna play like a crazy man. Philly.
San Diego at New England, 1:00 p.m.
This one is tough. The Chargers offense is sweet and the Pat's defense is falling apart at the seams. But they've still got Brady throwing the ball to get Veniteri into FG range. I'll take SD.
Seattle at Washington, 1:00 p.m.
Hasselbeck and the Seahawks on the road. Against a tough defense. I don't like it...but my heart says Seattle.
St. Louis at N.Y. Giants, 1:00 p.m.
If Mr. S. Jackson gets the ball, the Rams will win. If not, the Rams will still win. Choke on horse balls, Eli.
N.Y. Jets at Baltimore, 4:05 p.m.
Ahhhh hahahahahaha! Please...please don't show this game in my area on Sunday. Baltimore wins this battle of the 'how the hell am I a starting QB in the NFL' game.
Dallas at Oakland, 4:15 p.m.
Dallas almost lost to SF last week. Rallied late. I think the Raiders get their first win here.
Minnesota at Atlanta, 4:15 p.m.
Is Dante back? I dunno. But Mewelde Moore is. As much as I might regret it...Vikings win.
San Francisco at Arizona, 8:30 p.m.
This game is going to be played in Mexico City. I have no idea why. I think the people of Mexico City are gonna be pissed when they realize it's AMERICAN Football that's being played. Not soccer. 49ers win. And get super high on some Metchican weed.

Monday, Oct. 3
Green Bay at Carolina, 9:00 p.m.

The Panters keep letting me down. Not this week. Because there's a magic show at the 'home, and Brett isn't going to miss it for the world! Panthers win.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005


I'm not the saddest thing in this picture. Look at poor Ken's clock. "I wike thwimming!" Posted by Picasa

I'm capable of tearing out your LUNGS!! Spot of tea? Thanks Brian! Time well spent. Posted by Picasa

I miss the discipline and uniform of the military. I miss being a hero...every day. Posted by Picasa

A Time to Reflect


Originally the title said A TIM to Reflect. Typo. But pretty funny...to me. Why? Because sometimes you need a Tim to reflect. Maybe Tim is holding a mirror for you in the morning...and you see that button you missed on your fly. Or maybe Tim asks you "Hey, do you ever think a few months back?"
"To what, Tim?" He responds "To when you had a fucking job, you loser! You wore a uniform for God's sake!! Now look at you! You haven't had a decent hair cut in months. You don't shave, except on special occasions...like the 2 week anniversary of the last time you shaved. And don't get me started on the pajamas. Jesus, man...GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF!!"
As I wipe the tears from my eyes and recover the butcher knife from Tim's throat, I realize that yes. Yes I do think about my old life. My American life. Sometimes I even miss it. I mean, I was in the MILITARY! Or, at least, the Coast Guard! I miss the paperwork. My See You In Toledo boss. And my homey's. And now I miss Tim.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005


Holy crap. They're TOTALLY biting our style! Thanks to Oddvitamins for the pic. Posted by Picasa

Jake Plummer Award


The day of reckoning is upon us. One of many. Tuesday.
You see, the first week of our football picks is behind us. Mr. Slag, Myself and The Mayor have a tied for first at 9-5. Not too bad. Holding up the winners on their fat shoulders are Amber Alert and Karl. Two guys that I'd expect a lot more from (I'm just saying that to make them feel better). They finished 7-7 and 6-8 (not so respectively). In my mind, both tying for last place. Plus I have this picture of them together I've been waiting to use.
Why the mustacthes? Well, Mr. Slag and Mr. Double A decided that at the end of the season, the loser has to grow a mustache. I know this was Amber Alert's idea. I KNOW this. Why? Aside from knowing him for twenty years (it's cost my dad a fortune)...well, there's really no aside. That's why I know.
1st grade Rycrisp: Let's see who can jump their bike the highest!
1st grade Amber A.: Okay! But the loser has to grow a mustache.
He would then hardly make it off the jump. "I lose!"
It seems to be the stake in many of our contests. Or at the end of a long weekend where we haven't shaved. "I'm leaving the mustache."
Why is this? I have no idea. Both our Dad's have the stache'. But I have a feeling Amber will be picking Green Bay and Arizona to win each week.
Alert's Lady: Hi! Just thought I'd drop by...oh my god. Um. What happened to you?
Alert: Oh, this? (With a huge smile) I lost a bet. Nothing I could do. Shall we go get some sushi?
Lady: No. No we shan't.

Daily Show Predictions


So I'm installing some shelves that the wife and I bought this weekend. Got my drill and the eye of the tiger. I was rockin' out for awhile (I LOVE the new Hillary Duff album!) then took a break for lunch. I turned on CNN and the old FEMA Director Michael Brown is getting DESTROYED by Seanators. Holy crap. He and a republican Senator (some white guy with gray hair...oh...no help...sorry) were trading barbs. Then, for reasons I can't explain, the senator held his hands up (in a way one would use to describe a small fish...or weiner) and continued to grill Brown. Brown continued to blame everyone but himself, which might be one of the reasons he was canned. Anyway, I'm looking forward to the Daily Show tonight...the picture of the Senator making fun of Brown's weiner will be showing up. Please Buddha. Let it be.

Monday, September 26, 2005

Arrested Development TONIGHT

I know this is late...but the Bluths are on tonight!

NY Gimps

Man, what a great weekend of football. Two way tie with the Mayor in picks, Mr. Slag is knockin' on the door. Made some awesome crock pot chicken drumsticks. And I'm undefeated in my Fantasy Football league. Things are looking great on the geek front.I'm watching highlights right now...and then a news conference comes on. Who's news conference? Why, Herman Edwards, the Head Coach for the NY Jets. Why? Well, because Chad Pennington is hurt. His shoulder is effed. Just like I predicted. Kyle. My brother. Who wants a menage a tois with Bret Favre and Chad...sorry buddy. Here's what I said about Mr. Pennington in our picks this week:
Rycrisp- ... Penny...I don't care what people are saying. His arm is going to stay attached...to the football and seperate from his body...
Lil' Brudder Karl- This one is tough. Chad showed he is not done (Ryan). Martin is still looking for a good game. Byron is a straight out bad ass. Martin breaks one off in the Jags ass and the jets take it.
And one more...though I was a week early:
Miami at NY Jets J-E-T-S Jets, Jets, LOSE! Penny's arm is done.
Much love.

Friday, September 23, 2005

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Mr. Slag's Crazy Football Pick Machine!

The football picks are now up on Mr. Slag's site. Let me just say how AWESOME this thing looks. Mr. Slag did a great job. It's great knowing somebody who has mastered the nerd arts. I am but a padowan. From now on, I'll post the shedule and the comments for each game. For easy tracking, you can go to Mr. Slag's site to see how you're doing and who's ass is going to appear where.
I'd also like to thank The Mayor, Mr. Slag (again), Karl and Amber Alert for submitting picks. Oh, and myself. For making this all possible.

Dead and Breakfast


Zombies. I can't get enough of em'. I just can't. Lately, a lot of film makers (good and bad) seem to share my obsession. My poor wife has had to sit through countless movies with zombies. Some suck (The Ghouls). Some rock. I tried to show her how cool zombie/demon movies can be with Evil Dead and Evil Dead 2. The latter being one of the greatest movies of all time.
There is SO much geek appeal to it. Sam Raimi (homeboy that makes Spiderman flicks now) and Bruce Campbell (one of my favorite actors). Anyway, I've always liked cheesey gore/horror movies. Dead Alive still remains one of the goriest ever. The part with the lawnmower. FUCKING AWESOME!! Sigh. Sorry. Back on track.
Maplecrisp and I have been renting TONS of movies. It just makes sense financially...plus I always get in trouble at the theater. Pee Wee didn't blaze as many trails as I thought. They get PISSED when I watch a movie naked. So now we rent movies. Which is cooler. No crying babies, lice on the seats, cell phones, or people talking. Oh, and we get to see indie movies. Like Dead and Breakfast.Now, I realize this won't appeal to a lot of you right away. Because you've seen too many romantic comedies or reality tv.
But you HAVe to see this movie. I wouldn't reccomend it if I thought y'all would hate it. Afterall, it's MY genre...Hugh Grant isn't in it. So why would you like it?Witty. It's got some funny ass dialoge. The segue between scenes is completely original. It involves a gas station attendant
that also has his own Rockabilly/Punk/Country...Rap band. The rap comes later. Holy shit. The lyrics are HILARIOUS. I thought of Amber Alert and Mr. Slag so many times. The wife found some of them inappropriate and I got in trouble for laughing at them...so rad. Man. I need to buy this movie. Still not enough?How about guest stars galore. The French dude...oh man....you'll recognize him. And the best one? The Bride. I'll give you a hint: Bluth. You guys, see this movie. Yes, there's a part where a deaf mute gets killed with shears. Yes a hammer gets
stuck in a chicks head (who is listed in the credits as "The Chick with the foaming mouth"). YES YOU SHOULD SEE IT! The music alone...I'm watching it again. Fuck y'all.

Crazy Fun Soft Much Awesome Football Picks! Week 3

Alright, it has.....BEGUN! Still waiting on the guy who started all this (Mr. Slag) and the Mayor. Awesome surprise in my e-mail. No. Not my Viagra prescription, Amber Alert sent his picks! Thanks, homey. Oh, and apparently he's got 10 bucks on this. Don't know how to set that up. Plus I don't have ten bucks. If somebody can send me a chart like the one they use on ESPN, we'll use the same type of chart.
That way we can track things this weekend a bit easier. Thanks!

Sunday, Sep. 25
Atlanta at Buffalo 1:00 p.m
Rycrisp- Vick has owies. Buffalo has J.P. Losman (still stuck in my head!) throwing for them. I'm going with Buffalo and their O.J. uniforms, their gonna KILL Atlanta! Hahahahaha...ohhh...sorry.

-Lil' Brudder Karl- Vick is hurt, Mcgahee is a pimp. Buffalo takes this.

-Amber Alert- Falcons over Bills
Carolina at Miami 1:00 p.m.
Rycrisp- Grrrr row wowrrrr!! Hopefully the Panthers aren't too full of themselves after beating NE (thank you very much). Miami let me down in NY. I hope the Panthers and their 1986 style take down the dolphins. Isn't Ricky back soon? I can't wait. Do they play against the Raiders? Do you think he and Moss will get together? "Hey Randy." "Hey Ricky" "Dude....we both have R names that end in y! Neeeeeyahahahahaha!!" "That's so awwweesommmme!!! Let's eat these brownies I made. Put this mask on." So yeah. Panthers.

-Lil' Brudder Karl- uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Carolina

-Amber Alert- Panthers over Dolphins

Cincinnati at Chicago 1:00 p.m.
Rycrisp- Is the Chicago Bear getting his temp checked? Look at him! "Where's that thermometer going to go..ohhhhhhhrrraarrrrrr!!!" Chicago has the stfling Defense...Cinci has Senor Palmer/ Johnson squared/ Hakunamatata....and Palmer. Too much. I like The Bengals in this one.

Lil' Brudder Karl- Palm Palm Palmer takes the bears D down. Cincie wins it.

-Amber Alert- Bears over Bengals
Cleveland at Indianapolis 1:00 p.m.
Rycrisp- Trent effing Dilfer. We miss you in Seattle...it's scary without you. Prince is backing up Matt....but it's good to see you doing so well. Indy's defense looks like the real deal. During Cleveland's game at Lambeau Retirement Home, they socked it to the geezers. I'm taking Indy. I hope I'm wrong.

Lil' Brudder Karl- Indy. Is there any need for an explanation?

-Amber Alert- Colts over Ryan's Underwear

Jacksonville at N.Y. Jets 1:00 p.m.
Rycrisp- Remember that show Growing Pains? Byron Leftwitch should star in the remake. It'll be called Groin Pains. He's got boo-boos...but dammit, that dude is tough. Penny...I don't care what people are saying. His arm is going to stay attached...to the football and seperate from his body. And L. Coles...woah. Groin Pains wins.

Lil' Brudder Karl- This one is tough. Chad showed he is not done (Ryan). Martin is still looking for a good game. Byron is a straight out bad ass. Martin breaks one off in the Jags ass and the jets take it.

-Amber Alert- Jets over Jags
New Orleans at Minnesota 1:00 p.m.
Rycrisp- BOOOOOOOOOOO..ooooo...ooo....(breathe in) BOOOOOOOOOOOO!! Are the people in Minnesota celebrating Halloween early? Nope. They are PISSED. Dante is looking worse than Amber Alert after a night of Jesus Juice and Marlboros. Are they looking to rally? I dunno. The Saints have gotten totally effed over this season. Hurricane Tagliabue just won't let up. I think Minnesota takes this one. Mike Tice needs to concentrate on getting Mewelde Moore into the game and not who the highest bidder on Ebay is for his Super Bowl tix.

Lil' Brudder Karl- Dante needs to either get off the drugs or get back on them. Moore is in the same boat as Dante. America's team is going to take this game with an ass whooping. Minnesota is due to get their shit together but it wont be this week.

-Amber Alert- Vikings over Katrina
Oakland at Philadelphia 1:00 p.m.
Rycrisp- Terrell Owens is playing against his future team. Iggles win.

Lil' Brudder Karl- Last year it was Philly hands down. Now it is tough. Still Philly though

-Amber Alert- Raiders over Eagles (That's right bitches)

Tampa Bay at Green Bay 1:00 p.m.
Rycrisp- Oh man! Battle of the Bays! Who's Favre's back up? I don't know...but we'll be finding out soon. The Bucs defense is going to force Favre to fill his diapers 3 times before the half. Then Cadillac is going to continue his ROTY campaign. How many passes will slip out of Brett's hands? You know, those ones where he goes to throw and it just falls behind his shoulder and bounces off his back. I LOVE that. I say four.

Lil' Brudder Karl- No matter what everyone else thinks. Favre is not done, He is going to be pissed and blow up the scoreboard. Green bay

-Amber Alert- TB over GB

Tennessee at St. Louis 1:00 p.m.
Rycrisp- Tough one. The Titans defense made Jamal Lewis their bitch last week. He was smuggling smokes in his ass for them. St. Louis has a MUCH stronger O-Line, though. But the Rams defense is crap. So I think this game is going to be an offensive battle...one that Old Man McNair and co are gonna win. Bulger has a nervous tick. He blinks. A LOT.

Lil' Brudder Karl- Mcnair is going to put up some numbers and I hate Bulger so Titans take this

-Amber Alert- Titans over Rams

Arizona at Seattle 4:05 p.m.
Rycrisp- Kurt Warner is going to hand out autographed bibles before the game. Doesn't it make sense that he plays for the Cardinals? Seattle wins...Engram...big game. Please bring back Taco Wallace.

Lil' Brudder Karl- Seattle. What more can I say. Alexander is good for 150 and 2 TDs

-Amber Alert- Seahawks over God's Cardinals (I mean Kurt Warner's Cardinals)

Dallas at San Francisco 4:05 p.m.
Rycrisp- Somebody on the 'Niners has garn'teed a victory. For SF. Unless he's talking about when SF plays Green Bay, he's wrong. Dallas and Double J aren't going to forget the diseased blankets like they did last game. Cowboys win.

Lil' Brudder Karl- Dallas. I don't care who wins but Dallas takes it.

-Amber Alert- Dallas over SF

New England at Pittsburgh 4:15 p.m.
Rycrisp- NE struggled against Oakland. Lost to Carolina (thank you very much) and will now be on a streak. A LOSING streak. Big Ben and Fast Willie, they gay porn duo, win.

Lil' Brudder Karl- Big Ben baby. Fuck NE. They are going down. (rycrisp- tell us how you REALLY feel, Kyle).

-Amber Alert- Steelers over Pats

N.Y. Giants at San Diego 8:30 p.m.
Rycrisp- I hope SD wears the powder blues. Because they want to dress up for their first win of the year. Eli didn't wanna play in SD. Thank god. He would've ruined the Chargers for me. He's ruined the Giants for me. Get Avian Flu, Eli.

Lil' Brudder Karl- LT, Brees, Gates. It is over Eli. Oh and screw you Eli…I hate you. Chargers

-Amber Alert- Bolts over Eli

Monday, Sep. 26
Kansas City at Denver 9:00 p.m.
Rycrisp- Denver's backfield is messier than an hourly hotels sheets. They just brought Lil' Q. Griffin back. Yikes. On the flip side, KC has one of the best backfields in the NFL. I think Jake is gonna be showing the finger again. I hope. KC wins.

Lil' Brudder Karl- Denver has a decent D. Kansas has arguably the best offense in the league. KC takes it by a mile.

-Amber Alert- KC over the Sunshine Band (Denver)

Postaholics Anonymous

Your anonymity is almost as important as your individuality. Take prank phone calls for instance. "What are you wearing?" "Is your fridge running?" "I know who likes you." "I'm going to kill you."
But you can't make them anymore. Not without people knowing it's you...thanks a lot *69 and caller ID. I hate you.
BAM! Now it's the future. You could post anonymous on my blog just a month ago. Then I got power hungry. I made everybody get an identity, that I logged and researched. I know what size your pants are...I needed this info to put my plans for...whatever, I was sick of the spam. Well, some of those cocksuckers have Blogger accounts that commen when I put up a new post. No mas. We're gonna kick it old school. Keep it real...with a twist. Blogger has word verification now. You know, the weird ass letters you have to read, then type when entering porn sites....I mean...getting your library card. So from here on, you can be whoever you want. Just don't be a pussy. Reeyow!

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Week Thu-reee

Here's the schedule for this weekends games. I'd like to do dis shizzy in html so we can add our comments. In the meantime, just send me your picks with a brief comment of each game. Or just send me your picks. If you have an idea for a different format, lemme know. I'll get em' posted by Friday...

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Let There Be Peace on Earth...sort of.

Canada and Denmark have come to terms regarding Hans Island. Kinda.

Detroit...City of Anger

Thanks to football getting underway, my blog will reflect how I've become consumed. In one such way, I like to read newspapers from cities that have crappy teams. Seattle? Check. But Seattle writers have Mono Rails and latte taxes to distract them. Detroit? Apparently a basketball championship a year ago won't satiate their hunger for a winner.
They HATE Joey Harrington (an Oregon native). I know Amber Alert likes negative movie reviews. Well check what they're saying about the Lions after their blow out loss on Sunday. He's an excerpt from just ONE of the writers, Mitch Albom
"The next time the Lions want to know why their fans don't believe in them, they should take the tape from Sunday's first half and hit "play."
Which will be the first time that verb was used."

Holy cow. Regarding Joey Harrington's pass protection:
"... His offensive line made FEMA look effective.."
And how does he feel about wasting his Sunday watching the game? How should the Lions repay him?
"They should be forced to watch this waste of a Sunday until they're ready to vomit..."
This guy is just one writer. Go check out http://www.freep.com/index/lions.htm

Sir, I CHALLENGE you.

Did you see that episode of the Simpsons where Homer invents the Tomacco? He interbred domaters' and tobacco, with a bit of radioactivity. Great episode.
Do you remember how Homer got to the point of farming? No? Zorro. Zorro was to blame. He was always slapping people with a glove and challenging them to a duel. Homer did this to one too many people (a southern Gentleman) and had to leave town. Well, my homey Josh has challenged me. No, not to a pistol duel. Or a sword battle ( we did that as kids....over the torlet). Josh (who I've never known to follow sports...except water sports) believes he can do better on picking the football games this weekend.
Mr. Slag? I ACCEPT. I will be drafting a format and e-mailing it to you.
Anybody else who wants in, just let me know. I do believe that Kyle has accepted this as well. We had to let a girl in for equal rights purposes.
Slag suggested that the loser post a picture of Slag's ass on their site. Seeing as I've already done that, we need higher stakes. Plus I'd do that win or lose anyways. So if you have a suggestion, leave it in the comments. No wife swapping.

Monday, September 19, 2005

Grow On the Side of a Tree!

Have you ever wanted to score tons of white chicks? Get pulled over while driving your car? Maybe smoke weed every once in a blue moon? But you just can't seem to get the right emotion/skin color to do it? Worry no more. Randy Moss has yo' cracker back. Let Randy do all the embarassing things for you.
Breaking News!!
Randy Moss was spotted filling up his 88' Camaro, ordering a #2 at McDonald's, shopping for diapers, holding his wife's purse (is he even married?), picking up tampons, driving a mini-van and watching Sex in the City!!

Friday, September 16, 2005

Fuhbuh Picks

Week 2 SUNDAY, SEP 18
Pittsburgh at Houston
Big Ben is hurt. Willie Parker is a mad man. I'm going with Pitt.
Detroit at Chicago
Holy crap. This one's tough. I have a man crush on Joey...he's an Oregon kid. Representing the NW...but he got rid of the Jake Plummer beard. The Bears have an awesome defense...and the Fridge! They didn't allow a TD in week 1...but that was also against Washington. I don't think Detroit (or my man Kevin Jones...back then you didn't know me...) will be able to run the ball. But Mr. Rogers and Senor Williams will make a difference. Oh. And Pollard too. Detroit. Close one.
Minnesota at Cincinnati
I think Cinci is starting 2-0 this season. At least I hope. Since I'm picking them to win. They're at home...but I think Dante is gonna have a better game this week.
Jacksonville at Indianapolis
Dammit. I am NOT a Colts fan. At all. Having said that, they are still a force to be reckoned with. Like gum in your hair. Or oil on your shirt. And at home. Indy...but I'll be pullin' for Byron to prove me wrong.
Baltimore at Tennessee
This game is going to be lopsided for Baltimore, or Old Man McNair is gonna pull through. I'm going with the latter. Home opener. Everyone talkin' trash...plus they have a guy named Pac Man. Titans win.
New England at Carolina
I guess I was on the Carolina bandwagon. I had this game as a Super Bowl preview. I didn't know SI picked the same thing. Stupid satellites. I'm taking Carolina. It was too close with Oakland for NE (in the first half when Sapp and Co. were still riding high on their Big Mac buzz). I don't think Carolina's defense is gonna tire out in the second half.
Buffalo at Tampa Bay
Defense game. J.P. Losman (whose name still gets stuck in my head. It's like a bad song.) and Brian Griese. I'm going with Tampa. Cadillac will be the difference. Or not. What? It makes it sound like I know what I'm talking about!
San Francisco at Philadelphia
At least this week there's gonna be a tie for first in the NFC West.
St. Louis at Arizona
Ugh. 2 things I despise (no, not baths and toothpaste). Kurt Warner and the Rams. I'm taking...oh man...this throw-up tastes bad...Rams. Stephen Jackson.
Atlanta at Seattle
My heart says Seattle. And my heart will be right if Seattle can start a brawl before the game that involves Michael Vick and the Falcons defense. I hope I'm wrong, Atlanta takes this one.
Miami at NY Jets
J-E-T-S Jets, Jets, LOSE! Penny's arm is done.
Cleveland at Green Bay
Reggie White's number is going to be retired on Sunday. That on top of Walker being gone and the embarrassing loss last week, I think the Packers are going to rebound. Does it count as a rebound against Cleveland?
San Diego at Denver
Jake the Snake. Jake throws a TD, body slams a linebacker...."what's he got there? A bag? It's moving! There's something in the bag! What's he doing?! OH MY GOD!" Then Jake puts a big ass boa constrictor on the linebacker. And does a line of coke. San Diego and the returning Antonio Gates will take this.
Kansas City at Oakland
KC will outscore Oakland. I don't know about all this KC defense crap. But their offense is nuts.
-MONDAY, SEP 19
NY Giants at New Orleans -Giants Stadium
How is this New York AT New Orleans? IN New York? And all this "The Saints are America's Team..." Shut up. Get off the saints' jocks. They're America's team because they're homeless? Because they're representing a region stricken with poverty? Because LA is a red state? Right.
I hate Eli Manning. America's Team wins. (the Saints.)
Washington at Dallas
Redskins (how the hell are they still called that?) and Cowboys (the 'other' America's Team...Jesus!) Washington has the reliable defense. Dallas is looking like they do too. But they've also got Julius. And Drew Bledsoe. Does that cancel Julius out? No, they have Keyshawn too! Oh wait. Right.Washington is already switching QB's. I'm taking Dallas and their sneaky plays.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Do You Like Pie?

I do. I also like wasting time. Now you can too!
SHUT YOUR PIE HOLE!

What's on Simon's mind? Why do you always resort to bestiality? That's not what's on his mind. Or maybe it is. I was just saying that's what everyone says. DAMMIT! Posted by Picasa

(Another reason) Why the CFL is Funny.

I shuffle into the kitchen. Put 6 scoops of coffee in a filter, pour in 5 cups of water. Why is my head hurting? Was it from the Bon Jovi wake up at 6am? That can't be it. Who WOULDN'T want to wake up to Bon Jovi? On the radio, I mean. Then the wife hit snooze.
I wake up again to Britney Spears and Cletus being parents. But that wasn't enough. The radio went on to tell me she had her spawn by C-Section. I don't care what part of the Arena she's playing was unlucky enough to watch her give birth. TRIVIAL!
I slept for a little while longer. Crazy thoughts of babies and going down in a blaze of glory shooting threw my mind. Enough. I get up. As I'm drinking my coffee, I watch a bit of Sportscentre (yeah, the 'e' come AFTER) and the various knockoffs. That's when all hell broke loose. By all hell, I meant that I laughed out loud. The Ottawa Renegades (they totally don't care what people think) put RYAN LEAF on their negotiations list. If you don't know who he is...well, EXACTLY. Amber Alert knows him. This guy was a HUGE let down in the NFL...so was Ryan Leaf....haha!

Wednesday, September 14, 2005


Thanks Amber Alert!! Piper and I obviously don't have the same moral standards. As for my other hand? It's in my kilt. Posted by Picasa

Tuesday, September 13, 2005


Uhhhh....do I have a mullet? And is that outlet overloaded?!! Posted by Picasa

See? Imposing. Posted by Picasa

Bare Attack!!!!! Posted by Picasa

Ahhhhhh yeah. Everythang is packed. Posted by Picasa

The Long Walk Back. I don't know how the ambulance fit on the trail...or how Kyle did either. Posted by Picasa

Airing Out the Apartment

A thick cloud lingers in the air. It's presence known, but not seen. It's origins can be heard and smelled. Traced back to a place that many have been and seen...if they were lucky enough to make it out alive. A cavern. Nestled between two huge wedges of hairy, pasty skin. The place?My brothers rank ass. He's gone now. But his presence remains. In the form of burnt nostril hairs and sharp socks left under the futon. But the window is open now and the HAZMAT team is on their way. I fear that Simon may lose paw after batting the sock. We'll see what the stitches do.
Between bouts of flatulence and cigarettes, we had a good time. The visit started last Friday as Kyle arrived at aboot midnight. Saturday morning brought us an early wake up. We were headed to Banff and Lake Louise. This'll be a trip that everybody (assuming anyone will) that comes up for a visit will take.
We packed a lunch and ate it at the lake. Kyle packed some smokes and my jacket. And some fudge. It rained a little bit and the clouds gave the mountains an eery, imposing look. Kyle was baffled as we explained to him that we were going to "walk" along a trail for about an hour. After we administered First Aid, Kyle got up and said "Walk for an hour?!" Once the paramedics left, we allowed Kyle a cigarrete and started the walk. He kept up pretty well. In fact, in the end it was worth it. We saw a grizzly bear! It was more of a brown spot on the other side of lake in a meadow of yellow flowers. Sort of like my underwear. A brown spot in a yellow area.
We watched the bear walk around for a while. Then we told Kyle it was time to walk back.You know, smelling salts are ALWAYS good to have. "BACK?!! Isn't there a car or somethin'?" No. So we walked back. Man, I love that place. That evening we stayed in Banff. Our hotel was the YWCA. Yup. It's like a hostel. Lots of students n' stuff. No TV. And we could hear each other use the bathroom due to the layout. Took full advatage of that.
After we dropped our stuff off at the Y, we headed out to get some dinner. About 12 craps later we ate outside at a bar with an open patio on top of the building. Awesome view of the mountains. Seriously, all our bellies were kinda tore up, but Kyle crapped at every freakin' bathroom in Banff. And the one at Lake Louise. VERY impressive.
On Sunday we headed out of Banff, and stopped in Canmore. Canmore is another cool little mountain town. They play host to The Highland Games every year. Angela's family (being Scottish) were going to attending. Since it's on our way, we went as well. Not too exciting. Except for all the dudes in kilts! YEAH! Oh, and the Bagpipe competition. Pretty cool. At the end all the bagpipe bands fought each other to the death! So cool! Oh wait. No, that was something else. They actually all bag piped together. Like, there was, like...ummm...a million of them!! Or maybe a couple hundred. Pretty cool. Then it ended.At that point we drove home. It was also going to be one of the last times Kyle and I would breathe fresh air.
Thus began the era of Outlaw Golf 2. Holy crap. We rented that game...and never saw daylight again. It was hilarious. And addicting. Just check it out. There's something for everyone. By everyone, I mean Chris. You can play as/against strippers. Kyle and I played as El Suave. A Spanish Metro. Awesome.
Oh, and then Football started. Angela never stood a chance. Video games, farting, football, farting, Kyle talking back, farting. Good times. Oh, and Chris? My X-box is is totally Monday'd.
So I think that might Monday up our chances of playing Madden on X-Box Live. That and the fact that you don't have internet at home.
So, that was the week in a nutshell. We're having a huge bonfire tonight. The weather is supposed to be clear and we have to burn the futon.

Friday, September 09, 2005

More Twins. Screw You.


I haven't posted in a week. SO?!! Here's more NFL twins. Amber Alert and I noticed this one last season. I'm so excited for Sunday. CHURCH ROCKS! We got a whole BATCH of baby goats for the volcano god!! Oh, and that's Martin Lawrence and the QB for the Saint Aaron Brooks. Posted by Picasa

Friday, September 02, 2005


Pretty soon, Cowher is gonna be coaching the Iron Sheik's team. TRAITOR!!! Posted by Picasa

Seperated at birf. Posted by Picasa

Thursday, September 01, 2005

Swallowing Your Pride.

Salt. Garlic powder. Flour....yeah. My ingridients are mixed. I've got some nice dough goin'. It'll be ready to rock here soon. Have a nice home made vegetable pot pie. Cleaned up the apartment. Dusted off my skateboard and went for a couple block ride. Awesome. While waiting for the veggies to be all good n' shit, I was trying to update my Blogger Template. Y'know, the colors n' shit. Mr. Slag recently updated his. Looks all legit and sciencey.
So I figure, maybe I can get some ideas from some of the other blogs around here. So I'm clicking "Next Blog"...."Next Blog"....when I come across this blog. I get the impression that they're Canadian. Mostly because the profile shows that the blog is base outta Ontario. No. Not the state. The PROVINCE. Anyway, the latest post is that of a letter. A letter from a husband to his soon to be ex-wife. I can't imagine. But I know some of you can. And because of that, this is for you: (go visit the site, it's pretty G.D. funny)

Dear Connie:
I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our"cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore.The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does. Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says: "There's no one like you, Connie." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close.
For example, two weeks ago I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19; with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an ass that just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right?
But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before.
I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you.
Jesus, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you. Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant 'til later, but that's not the real story.
Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. 'Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy."
Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Connie, she really is. So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18.And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out Vicky's really intothe whole anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrustinginside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you?It's true, Connie. In your heart you must know it. Don't you think wecould start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can.If you feel the same please, please, please let me know. Otherwise, can you let me know where the fucking remote is?
Love,Dan

Ah. The good ol' days. Posted by Picasa