Fast Track to Filthy Rich

I haven't been able to work in Canada just yet. I got here in July and have to wait for all my paperwork n' stuff to be done by the government. It takes MONTHS just for them to open it. So (rarely is this said) I'm at the mercy of the Canadian government. Until I found THIS:
-Canada's welcome mat is still rolled out for foreign strippers and lap dancers who can get quick visas to fill a domestic "labour shortage."

According to the article, it's just for women. But, I can make even MORE cash by filing for discrimination! I'm gonna go practice sticking Loonies to my body.

Night Rider

That's me (hiding behind all the chins) and my pop, right before he got on the road. In the middle of the freakin' night! The moon was SO bright, we had to squint! 5 minutes later, I was watching football. Those guys play at all hours!

BFE

Here's a pic of my Dad's spot at the RV park.

Last Weekend

5 o' clock Friday. LAST Friday. A trailer is being towed through the crowded streets of Calgary. The pilot of the towing vehicle glances at the directions on the seat, looks at the street signs. Talks on the phone and sips on some OJ. One "detour" and a few hours later than expected, he arrives.
"Hey Pop!!" That's right, the other CRL was in town. No. Not Ralph Lauren. What THAT be like, though? I mean, Ralph Lauren as your Dad? Is that even possible? Like. Does he dig the ladies? "Why does our son waste his time playing sports? What am I supposed to tell the guys at Fashion HQ?" "Oh, honey, it' just a phase. He's rebelling." "But why can't he rebel by wearing courdoroy? Or taking modern dance instead of ballet?"
You know what? My Dad really IS that confused about sports! Huh.
Upon his arrival, the wife and I got into the Blazer and headed to the RV park. In Okotoks. Does that name look like it would be in the middle of nowhere? Really? Because it effing is. It took us an hour to get to the RV park. But it was nice.
Once we got the trailer (if it's a rockin', just cover your ears and throw rocks) set up, we headed back into town. Dinner time. We hit up Kodo. It's an awesome Vietnamese restaurant. We were lucky enough to get our favorite server. I'm pretty sure he splits his time at Wal-Mart as a greeter. After that, we headed back home. Pop checked his e-mail and got his internet fix. I unpacked all the cool crap that he'd brought. The coolest? My bike. A close second? Magnets.
On Saturday, we went for lunch. A late lunch. We were due to have dinner that evening with Angela's parents and sister. So we ate light. Pop ordered the Ribs, chicken, baked potato and Ceasar Salad. I had a Club sammich.
We ended the afternoon with some DVD shopping. I got Creepshow, Night of the Living Dead and a Horror 3 pack. Thanks Pop! He hooked himself up with the Unforgiven special edition. Pretty happy about that.
Then, dinner time. We headed to this steak n' pizza joint. This is mere hours after eating lunch. We order some huge effing pizzas. I eat one slice. Oh, and poutine. We ate poutine. I don't know why. But, it was pretty good. I guess. The in laws and I proceeded to get into an argument over whether or not the McDonald's in Vancouver served poutine. I done seen it with my own eyes. They didn't believe me. For whatever reason, though, it was completely plausible that Burger King would serve it. I'll be calling that McDonald's to confirm the poutineness of the establishment. I'll SHOW THEM ALL!
After dinner, we couldn't decide on a Haunted House. So we came back home and watched Creepshow. WHERE'S MY CAKE?!!!! Oh man. Good times.
When Sunday rolled around, my dad decided to leave in the middle of the night. It was like one. I couldn't believe it. But we made him breakfast and sent him on his way.
It was a great trip. Always nice to see family/friends up here. Especially when they bring some of my crap with em'! Thanks again for the awesome time, pop! Love ya!

Set phasers to Stun...ingly Fabulous!!

Mr. Thulu, warp thpeed. Apparently this is common knowledge in the Trekkie/Gay cirlces (one in the same, I think). However, Mr. Sulu (George Takei) has come out of the closet. What difference does it make to you or me? None.
Where no man has gone before...INDEED.

It's just that I have STYLE!

It was recently brought to my attention that my blog has certain overtones to it. The comment was made by my homey Amber Alert, in the post below. Who I am indebted to for storing all my crap. Wait. That came out wrong...
I've scoured my blog for any evidence that may perpetrate these charges. Absolutely NONE.
In fact, things couldn't be more to the contrary!
There's nothing but machismo.

Flannel and the WNBA

Basketball coaches will make you teh ghey.

Jake Plummer Award: Week 7

I tried to give Chris an extra day. See if he could get another win on his picks. It was a forgone conlusion that he'd be wearing the stache' again this week. But, I was hoping he'd do better than FOUR correct picks. I didn't hope hard enough.
Chris went 4-10 this week on his football picks. FOUR and TEN. The evidence for my "Mustache Theory" is mounting. Chris won't be able to deny that he is secretly throwing this competition if he has another (blatant) terrible showing.
This weeks nostril neighbor was brought to you by Mr. Belvedere.

Shakes Down, the Clown

Clowns. Guns. Vietnamese Doughnut Shop. Must be Everett, WA. I miss the USA.

Jeff Hostetler May Start in Week 7

We have a crisis on our hands, folks. Something bigger than Wilma. More pressing than getting Tom DeLay into the big house. It's our amigo, Jake Plummer. He's now rockin' a full on beard. Rumor was rampant that he'd shaved his face completely. But that's not true. It may, however, be in the cards. In order to avert this travesty and get the stache' back, go here.
If not. Jake may go onto the IR and Mr. Hostetler will be getting the start.

Sign NOW!

Grab my belt loop, bitch!

Oh, man. The Supreme Court just issued an arrest warrant for Tom Delay. Whatchoo think that foo' is worth in prison? A pack of smokes? A foot rub?
I can't wait to see how this turns out. USA USA!

Strait of Juan de Fecal

Brownmissles is my site's name (sic). That's where you are.
For a site that is named after post dinner activities, I've had a disturbing lack of said brown missiles. That's about to change.
A few months ago, a being known as Mr. Floatie made headlines in Victoria, B.C. He is a noble creature. His cause? To avert the practice of dumping (haha) raw sewage into the ocean. That's right. Victoria sends raw sewage into the Strait of Juan de Fuca. I've been through there coming back from Alaska during one of my action packed CG adventures. It's beautiful. But deadly.
Mr. Floatie is now kicking his cause up a notch. He wants to wipe out the competition by running for Mayor of Victoria.
Only now, the other candidates are bringing Mr. Floatie to court. Why? Because they don't believe Mr. Floatie is real. They say the man in the costume has to put his real name on the ballot. Mr Floatie had this to say:

"Of course I'm not a real person, I'm a big piece of poop."

Mr. Floaties cause is called People Opposed to Outflow Pollution, or POOP.
The article detailing his Mayoral bid can be found here.
Mr. Floatie's web site is here. And it's awesome.

An Early Christmas List

In an effort to be cool through a blatant display of plageriarism, I'm posting my Google "needs" list. I smuggled it out of Mitchieville (who thieved it from Glamazon) between sweaty butt cheeks.
All I did was type my name (Ryan) followed by "needs" (with the quotations) into Google.
What follows is the top 10 things that I need. For Google has foretold it:

1. Ryan needs your advice
2. Ryan needs one more win
3. Ryan needs your prayers
4. Ryan needs a bra
5. Ryan needs to be supervised because he can be physically agressive
6. Ryan needs to be redeemed
7. Ryan needs special care
8. Ryan needs a break from walking
9. Ryan needs to come back to the Bay Area.
10. Ryan needs a bar mitzvah (why not?)

If you're bored, you can post yours in the comments. ZOMBIES!!!!

Save Yourself Some Effing Time

I just got done reading a Dean Koontz book earlier this week. I was pretty excited about reading it, since I remembered enjoying some of his earlier books.
Angela and I also watched Undead this weekend. In the spirit of Halloween, the fact that zombies are badass and that I'd been wanting to see it since I read about it on Ain't it Cool News over a year ago.
Let me just say, that I was completely let down by these two pieces of crap. The fact that I'm wasting more time on them, is so nobody else makes the same mistake. Plus the story that each tells are strangely similar. It's weird. So, I'll just do a quick dual review.
First off, Mr. Koontz? What happened to you? I swear that you used to write books that weren't thinly veiled religious, contrite, human spirit bullcrap. I was watching Family Guy last night. The episode where Brian runs over a guy in New England. Gets out of the car to check on the guy and asks "Oh my God! Are you Stephen King?" The guy answers "No, I'm Dean Koontz." Brian proceeds to get into the car and run him over 3 more times.
The book starts out pretty rad. Strange glowing rain begins falling one night, flooding the earth and making people sick. The main character, Molly, is awake as the rain starts. Her hubby is upstairs sleeping. He starts screaming, she runs upstairs after having a weird experience with the local pack of coyotes.
Blah, blah, blah. Basically (SPOILER MA' FACKUZ!) the earth is being invaded by aliens. They've sent the indiginous animal life to our planet via spores in the rain. The spores bring a crazy form of fungus down that drives people crazy and brings the dead from their graves. Sounds cool, right? Aliens, zombies, mystery, the end of the world. Winner!
But it's not a winner. People get posessed (we're never told why, exactly) and the only beings that can tell the difference are dogs with magical powers. Kids can't be posessed. It's just a cluster. I'm getting pissed thinking about it. In the end, it turns out the aliens weren't aliens. But Satan. Satan and his big space ship. Invading the earth.
Dean wouldn't shut up about God n' shit throughout the entire book. Very preachy.
Now, Undead. Not nearly as bad as the book, but a huge let down none the less. I heard awesome stuff about it. That's what I get for listening to fat crack addicts. Here's the premise:
Town is struck by meteors. Meteors turn people into zombies. Intense poison rains make people sick/turn into zombies. Zombies want brains. Sounds like a by the book zombie flick, right?
Enter the Aliens. Who are apparently 'curing' this town. Of what? The same poison rain that they brought. I can't even explain the story. I CAN'T. Other than than: The rain/Aliens/Zombies are strangely familiar from The Taken.
The zombies are cool, but I still don't understand what the Aliens were doing. I don't effing get it! No anal probes. Nothing. Just turning people into zombies, beaming them up into the sky like a buncha hovering Jesus', then bringing em' back down to earth.
The worst part? They totally set it up for a sequel.
In happier news, Arrested Development: Season Two, is now out on DVD!

Jake Plummer Award- Week 6

Outside of this old apartment building, a limosine is idling. Having arrived under a shroud of darkness and mystery. The rear door opens. Out steps an aged man, wearing a suit that had just been pressed this morning. He straightens his jacket and wipes the tears from his cheeks.
There's a knock at my door. I'm not expecting anybody. I don't think. I can't remember, since this week I've experience what a lot of people call "missing time". I've had trouble spelling words and comprehending dental hygiene. And the headaches coupled with an irresistible urge to get a hold of my cousins. My god.
I answer the door. Immediately my forehead is in the grips of an old strong hand. It belongs to an old man. His glasses reflect the fear in my face. His tears tell me he doesn't want to hurt me. Then I understand.
"Demons....BE GONE!!!" I'm shoved backward. I fall to the ground in a heap of relief.
"Mr. Swaggert! Thank you! THANK YOU!" I sob and sob. "No problem my child. It was the will of the Lord...plus Ramcrisp is REALLY fucking annoying. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a limo full of prosti...umm...orphans that I must tend to."
With that, Jimmy Swaggert spun on his heels and disappeared into the night. As did Ramcrisp...I hope.
Anyway, congrats to Amber Alert for taking the title this week. Everyone was above .500, but somebody's got to wear the cookie duster. Thanks to Mr. Tom Selleck for loaning his out.
Oh, and thanks again to Mr. Slag for his super boss grid.

Another Quote of the Day

"We were dancing together," Williams said. "If I didn't like him, I wouldn't be dancing with him."
No, this isn't from a High School dance. This is what Detroit Lions WR Roy Williams said about his teammate RB Kevin Jones. Remember what I said about drama in Detroit? You're robbing yourself by not going here every couple days.

Quote of the Day

"They cleaned the boat off, wandering around picking up used rubbers, KY Jelly, Handi Wipes, wrappers for sex toys ... it was just incredible how it was left."
-Stephen Doyle, lawyer for the Charter boat the Minnesota Vikings allegedly had a sex party on.

Ramming Speed- Week 6 Picks

Not so frisky, red!


The stakes? Humiliation at the hands of your friends. Never pick against the home team. Who would?! At the end, whiskers will be grown. To form a mustache. Follow the action over at Mr. Slag's site. Kitschy!

ATL @ NOSun 1:00PM
With Deuce the Saints didn't put up a TD in Green Bay. Now there's no Deuce. Ouch. Falcons win.
JAC @ PITSun 1:00PM
Big Ben hoot is widdle knee? Ohh, poor Benny. That's what Mr. Leftwich is thinking. I'm taking the Jags.
MIA @ TBSun 1:00PM
The snack bar ran out of nachos. Because Ricky Williams is back. Cadillac is still hurt for TB. I'm taking the Fish. Again.
CLE @ BALSun 1:00PM
Trent Dilfer won a freakin' Super Bowl with Baltimore. I bet the wish he was still there. Kyle Boller? Sucks. In my experience, people named Kyle are retarded. Trent Dilfer and Browns sneak away with this one.
MIN @ CHISun 1:00PM
What did I just say about people name Kyle sucking? Kyle Orton? Damn. Lucky for him, that's a talent the Vikings look for. How are the Vikings going to play after their boat experience? Who cares! Isn't there a body of water near Chicago? Go plunder some booty, boys! Bears and Jack Daniels win.
NYG @ DALSun 1:00PM
Tough one. Dallas handled Philly. But NY has a running game...coming off a bye, too. I think the Cotton Gin takes this one. Giants.
CAR @ DETSun 1:00PM
I still read the Detroit Free Press every day, due to the drama that surrounds the Lions. Awesome reading. These guys HATE each other. Carolina wins while the Lions brawl on the sidelines.
CIN @ TENSun 1:00PM
Cincy is going on another streak. A losing one. High scoring. But the Titans will have a higher one.
WAS @ KCSun 1:00PM
Redskins and Chiefs. What freakin' Millenium is this? Redskins?! Even the NBA bullets had to change their name. Whatever. Chiefs win, quimosabe.
SD @ OAKSun 4:15PM
I hope I get to see this game. Should be tons of scoring on both sides. But the Chargers have LT. When in doubt, go with LT.
NE @ DENSun 4:15PM
Good match up. Jake and his stache' vs. No Lips Brady. When in doubt, go with the stache. Denver.
NYJ @ BUFSun 4:15PM
Why does NY have 3 teams? That's bull crap. I wish Portland had a team I'd never bet against them. Promise. Buffalo wins.
HOU @ SEASun 8:30PM
Sunday night game, baby! Awesome. By this time, I should be forgiven. If only because Chris has found something new to be bitter about and everyone else is sick of Ramcrisp.
STL @ INDMon 9:00PM
I wish Mike Martz was healthy. Without him, the play calling might be intelligent. Steven Jackson might see some rushes...but I don't think it matters in Indy. Please get well soon, Mike.

Evil Has Left the Hive. And it's Pissed.

Or what? You'll release the dogs, or the bees, or the dogs with bees in their mouths and when they bark they shoot bees at you?
Halloween is on the way. It's not stopping for anybody. Not you. Not me. Not your pets. Not even for a cheeseburger.
As all Hallows Eve draws nigh, I feel the need to begin on my costume. To go to the local 'pumpkin patch' (Safeway parking lot) and pick out the very best gourd I can lay my sweaty palms on. The one that calls to me. That says "Evil lays within me. Lay a knife to my orange skin and carve out the demon that is screaming to come out. Oh, and bake my guts, too."
I shall. I shall. I can't WAIT to carve me some punk'ins. I get sick from eating too many punk'in seeds every year. Unlike Chris. Who just gets sick eating seed. Is anyone else going to dress up this year? We're pushing 30. We still play guns in the basement. Play video games till 3am. And ride bikes. So if you're not, I'd like to know why.
If you feel that you're just above it, fine. That's cool. But let me pose this question: Are your pets above it? ARE THEY? I think not. Especially after going to this site: The Scariest Dogs EVAR. If you have a weak heart, I beg you not to go there. I BEG YOU! For the sights you will see...my God...they'll scar you for life. I wasn't prepared for the horrors. Especially the terror known only as Levi Elvis.
If this doesn't inspire you to prepare for Halloween. I don't know what will. Except the promise of free candy. It's in the back of my van here. Can you help me find it?

I'll Never See My Friends Again

Forgive me for a being a few days behind on Oregon news. Aside from the Blazers training camps, I haven't been paying much attention. Until, I felt a disturbance in the Force. It was as if a million voices cried out at once. Then lit a cigarette.
As I was rockin' out to Valient Thorr, there was a buzz at the door. It was my Father-In-Law. Stopping by to talk some hockey and to smack me around for my football picks. In between upper cuts and right hooks, he asked me if I'd heard what Oregon had done?
Trying to stay conscious I reply "What they've done? What do you mean?"
"Live Sex shows." This is awkward on so many levels. I'm from Oregon. And I didn't know whether to act disgusted or give him a high five.
I got online just to make sure the Canadians weren't spreading misinformation. They weren't. And misinformation isn't the only thing spreading in Oregon right now.
I have just one question. Did this go through the City Council? Probably not. Since it's a State issue. But, let's just pretend it did. Go through the City Council. I wonder how the representative from Multnomah County would have voted. Just curious.
In other news, my Dad has inexplicably canceled his trip. "Something has come up." Huh.

Jake Plummer Award: Week (weak) 5

I don't know how to put this. The wheels not only came off this week. Everything exploded. And I deserved it. After breaking the unstated rule...because it was unstated, I picked against the Seahawks to win. That's right. I picked the Seahawks to lose. Not to just any team...the Rams. Because the rule was unstated, I ignored it. Because I didn't know it was there. Many angry e-mails, posts and telephone messages later ("The more I think about it, the angrier I get"-Chris on the voicemail)...I've come to regret my decision. Mostly because the Seahawks won.
It's at this point that I wish that I had Christian friends. That way, they could find it in their hearts to forgive me. Even if they were Christian, they don't have hearts. So I'm screwed. Sorry guys. I've learned my lesson.
I had the absolute WORST picks of the contest thus far. Even worse than Karl. EVEN WORSE THAN KARL. The only consolation is that I won my Fantasy game. And that I get to drown my sorrows in turkey sammiches. It was the Canadian Thanksgiving on Sunday. I don't know what exactly they're thankful for yet, but I'll find out. I think it's that they got rid of Celine Dion. Whatever. I'm gonna go pray to Dave Krieg for forgiveness.

Week 5 Bright Fancy Tasty Picks! (18-10 so far)

Follow the action at Mr. Slag's site.
SEA @ STLSun 1:00PM
D-Jack and Mr. Engram are sitting out. Apparently they don't want to miss any hockey on Sunday! I hate to say it, but St. Louis takes this one in the dome.
TB @ NYJSun 1:00PM
The new Cadillac is in the shop for Tampa. The Jets are bringing out a classic. Instead of Gatorade, the Jets will have Metamucil on their sideline. As long as Brett Favre hasn't drank it all. Tampa is still going to be undefeated after Sunday.
TEN @ HOUSun 1:00PM
Man. What an ugly game. The fact that Houston almost beat Cincy last weekend gives me a feeling that they're due. Am I wrong? Maybe. But I'll take Houston.
NE @ ATLSun 1:00PM
Atlanta at home. Awesome running game. NE is banged up on defense. Tom 'No Lips' Brady is 'mad'. Whatever. He can stay mad. Because the Falcons are gonna win.
MIA @ BUFSun 1:00PM
Ugh. Why som many ugly games?!! Even the 4 below this one suck! Dolphins coming off a bye and Buffalo is starting a guy with a girls name. Kelly Holcomb. I'm taking the fish to win this one. Yes I know that dolphins aren't fish. But they taste like it!
CHI @ CLESun 1:00PM
Jesus. Cleveland. Okay? Man. Maybe I'll be watching hockey with Bobby and Darrell.
BAL @ DETSun 1:00PM
SERIOUSLY!! With Mr. Rogers out 4 games due to Koren Robinson syndrome, the Lions will be starting a rookie WR. Baltimore has the wicked defense. But no Offense. I'll take Detroit at home. Plus that hottie Joey Harrington plays for em'.
NO @ GNBSun 1:00PM
The Pack are playing at the Home. I hear they're getting pudding with dinner! Brett will be happy. Hopefully the pudding will take away the sting of being winless. The Saints win this one.
IND @ SFSun 4:05PM
Peyton will be trying out his Halloween costume here. He's going as a pirate. So to give the 49ers a chance, he'll be wearing his eye patch. Both of them. Oh, and Alex Smith is starting at QB for the 49ers. I think he waxes his eyebrows. And wears eyeliner. Tell me I'm wrong.
PHI @ DAL
Are there any games worth watching? Dammit! Iggles win.
WAS @ DENSun 4:15PM
Jake and the Stache take this one.
CAR @ ARISun 4:15PM
The Cardinals will be debuting their brown jerseys this game. Not on purpose. But about 3 minutes into the 1st quarter the affects of the water from Mexico City will kick in. Carolina wins.
CIN @ JACSun 8:30PM
I want to say Jax. But Denver beat em' last week. Cincy barely squeeked by Houston. Crap. Byron and the Jags win.
PIT @ SDMon 9:00PM
Pit comin' off a bye. All the RB's might be healthy. But SD is a monster. I'm taking SD at home for MNF.

Chimps:1 Tobacco: 0

Do you smoke? Really? Did you know that Ai Ai the chimpanzee smokes? Well, USED to smoke? NOW how cool are you? Even chimps are quitting!! That's how lame it is! Remember when chimps started riding skateboards? Two years later, Tony Hawk was flipping his bangs out of his eyes and doing kick flips.
I just hope chimps don't start wearing pants all the time. I don't wanna be a nerd...but pants...c'mon. So RESTRICTING.
Anyay, Ai Ai started smoking SIXTEEN EFFING years ago! She started when her hubby went to the big testing lab in the sky.
Then her SECOND old man died. Probably riding a motorcycle. Then her daughter left for another zoo. They just grow up so fast, eh Ai Ai? One second they're suckling for milk, the next they're flinging poo in your face. Then they're gone. You smoke girl. Smoke as much as you want.
And she did. But now she quit. And eats fried food. Read the article...it's shorter than this shit!

My Effing Movie Premiere!

I discovered Microsoft Movie Maker a while ago on my computer. I was astounded at the potential that was laying dormant in my computer. My mind raced with scenerios...movies...zombies...ANYTHING.
But alas, I had left my camera at the Black Cat tavern in Portland. Gone. It's whereabouts known, but not acknowledged. I wouldn't be taking any footage/pictures of my own for a long time.
It was with a heavy heart, that I asked....PLEADED, for footage that I could use to teach myself Movie Maker. Footage of my homey's. Of my family. Of dogs going ape shit. But it never materialized. Until now.
Mr. Slag and Chris got together last weeknd for a mountain bike trip. Somewhere in Olympia. Mr. Slag had the peace of mind to bring his camera. For where Chris goes, awesome crashes are sure to follow. Whether it's him or somebody else that eats shit...it doesn't matter. Mr. Slag posted some of his video footage and pictures from this trip on his site.
Unbeknownst to him, I hijacked the footage. Devoured it. Using Movie Maker, I made a movie. Well. More of a slideshow. But there's music. And titles. And credits. Ohhhhhh yeah. I'm learning. So please, sit back, click and enjoy...I've Made A Huge Mistake.
A tale of Chris' woes of two wheeled expeditions.

Hockey Night In...THE WORLD!!!

Though the world may be going crazy...all is well. Hockey starts tonight. I'm a fairly new fan. Within the last 4 years...and I can't wait. I've got my Kipprusoff shirt on...yes!
NFL is my first love. I grew up with it. But after watching tons of Jr. Hockey (Go Silvertips!) and being at a Stanley Cup Playoff game, hockey has become my mistress. A mistress that gently pulls my sweater over my head, and pummels my face with her gigantic fists. Ahhhhh.
Not only is it fun to watch, but I'm now in a hockey pool. I picked mostly Americans. I'm gonna get my ass kicked. GO FLAMES GO!!

Week 4 Jake Plummer Award

For the second straight week, Hurricane Kyletrina has taken the distinguished honor (honour) of wearing the stache'. At least he got HALF his picks right this week. Mr. Slag had a scare as he went 8-6. Amber Alert redeemed himself as he tied with my (consistent) 9-5.

How will next week pan out? I have a feeling that I'm gonna have to find more pictures of Hurricane Kyletrina.

Call the Feds

After reading the post entitled "Life Is Just Too Short" (Too Short...I heard he was dead!) on Odd Vitamins, I couldn't help but feel...frightened. I tried to paste the link to the pic on the site...but (not) shockingly, the link...the TECHNOLOGY...wouldn't work. So now I'm putting it on MY blog. The truth really IS out there. Tell my wife I love her if I wind up opening the mail...and don't make it back.