Friday, December 30, 2005
What's in the boooxxxxxxx?
Could it be a fresh pair of socks?
What's in the box? I don't know Kevin Spacey, maybe some burgers and a Sprite?
No, that's not right. Let me tear you box...cardboard doesn't put up much of a fight.
That wood grain, maybe the kind you'd see at church? I wouldn't know, just a guess that Jesus liked birch.
What could this possibly be?! Something that makes me giggle with glee!
A new coffee table?! One with four legs and a shelf?! The kind I put together all by myself!
With a wrench named Allen and a bag of screws, this shit's getting put together faster than a white girl gone missing being shown on the news!
What's in this box? A badass coffee table, oh, I see ya'.
What's in this box? Thanks IKEA!
Thursday, December 29, 2005
Thursday, December 22, 2005
New Digs
Wow. So this was actually pretty easy. I thought I was gonna have to totally start over! I even started another place from scratch. I thought all this old crap was gonna be gone forever. NOT SO! I just had to change the web address, then blogger threw everything in the back of a U-Haul truck for me! Luckily no accidents happened while I was driving the truck.
So this is the new place. It's got an awesome view of the Donkey Show site from here. VIVA LA BasementBattle!
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
Jake Plummer Award: Week 15
I am overcome with sadness...yet, joy is tickling my baja. Why? Because this is week 15 of the NFL season. Week 15. Time flies...the season is winding down. As is our mustache contest. What contest? Why, the one I'm going to tell the uninformed about about.
In week three, a wager was proposed. A wager that myself, Amber Alert, Karl and Mr. Slag would participate in. The winner gets nothing. It's the loser who receives a prize.
That prize being a cookie duster. A nose neighbor...a moustache/mustache. Whoever had the worst record as far as picks go at the end of the season would sport a stache' starting at the end of the regular season, through the playoffs and be able to shave it on Superbowl Sunday. So for the football challenged it would span from January 1st 2006 till February 5th 2006.
It's that period that brings the tickling of joy. The playoffs are a great time of year...even better knowing somebody I care for is sporting a Selleck.
The next 2 weeks will be very interesting. We've shaken things up a bit. From this last weekend forward, if you pick AGAINST the lines and the team wins: You get TWO wins. Hence the actual and adjusted wins/losses column and awards here. Having a three game pad between first and last is no longer comfy. Karl gained a bit of ground this past weekend. Chris may still get his secret wish.
Keep track of the action over at Slag's place.
Monday, December 19, 2005
Roid Rage. Without the Roids. Or Muscles.
Nightmares. Night terrors. Bad dreams. Flat pop. We've all had these. I've had my share. Last night was just the latest.
For years I've had seemingly lucid dreams of somebody being in my apartment. Or dreams that just seem REAL. Like when you dream you're falling and you flail your body around like sizzling piece of bacon. Even better when somebody is in bed with you and you make the "Ssnnnoooowah!" noise as you breathe in preparing for impact and you wake up. Awesome.
I used to dream about spiders and other bugs A LOT. It was bad, man. But I'd never just let them get me. I'd grasp at the air to squish them or punch the air to knock them off their webbing. Crazy? Yep. Hilarious? Yep.
One of the best ones was when I was in the Coast Guard. I was on the ship, sleeping in my rack. I think we were at a port call in Costa Rica. I was sleeping in my rack (it's like a freakin' coffin) dreaming of the Arctic or something. That's the only thing that makes sense. Because before I knew it I was being attacked by a polar bear. I thought it was real. I started screaming and punching the top of my rack. Which is the bottom (haha) of the rack above me. "Get it off! AHHHHHH!!!" I woke everyone up in my berthing area. Effing sweet. "What's wrong?!" "Um. I was being attacked by a polar bear. WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU GUYS?!"
I've had plenty of other of these occasions as well. But I usually realize that I'm dreaming before I start freakin' out. Until last night. Around 3am somebody had snuck into the apartment. He was standing right over me. A tall shadowy figure. Normally a dream come true, right? Not last night. I remember thinking "wait....wait...." like I was waiting for him to get closer.
Now, keep in mind that my wife is asleep right next to me. Simon is sleeping on my pillow and Owen is sleeping at my feet.
As the figure gets ready to strike...I leap out of bed using my special ninja surprise attack technique (SNSAT)! "YAAAARRRRRR!!!!! MOTHER FUCKER!! RARR! (incoherent screaming)!!"
I'm punching EVERYTHING around me! From my bed to the closet is about 2 or 3 feet. So upon leaping I crashed right into the effin' thing. Which put me on my ass. Which made me angry. I was still punching and kicking. I got up and went for a second round of attacks. I made it to the coat rack that's behind our door and knocked all the clothes off it. Thus blocking the door.
Also keep in mind that the room is PITCH BLACK.
As I struggled to open the door so I could I could get to the light, the clothes barricaded it. So I think I thought whoever it was had fallen down and wouldn't let me open the door. By that time I started to wake up a little bit. I was able to turn on the light so my wife could see her triumphant warrior. In all his nekkid glory. Oh, I didn't mention that I was sans clothes? Ohhhh yeah, that's how I roll.
My heart was POUNDING. "Ryan, what the hell is going ON?!" "Ummmm....." As I surveyed the room, I realized what I had done. The closet and the lamp never stood a chance. Though they got some pretty good licks in. I was bleeding on my knee and foot. Scratches on my chest. Did I mention I was nekkid?
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
The Age of Innocence
Monday, December 12, 2005
Jake Plummer Award: Week 14
Now, if you don't mind, the elves are telling me to put down my Schlitz, because my break is over. Can I just finish this smoke? What? It's a Virgina Slim. What? No, it's not. No it's not! Who says they're girl's cigarettes?! You? Pffft, dude, you're wearing tights and shoes that curl up. Whatever. Okay. I'm going...Merry Christmas!
Friday, December 09, 2005
Sending Things To Earth
My PS2 came back into my life with Resident Evil 4. After seeing the commercials on tv, I went out and rented it. Holy crap. Awesome game. Different than the other ones in that the bad guys aren't exactly zombies. At first, I was bummed. But then I realized "Hey, their brains still splatter on the wall just like a zombie. I can still kick their heads off like a zombie...awesome." The bosses were freakin' rad too. Scary.
Eventually I beat the game and returned it. I felt empty. My PS2 lay dormant beneath the tv. I needed another fix. But I needed something not too intense. I was still reeling from RE4.
So I picked up Katamari: Damacy. Holy shit. The graphics could've been from the Nintendo 64. But...but...it was so....cute...and basic. No buttons required. Just what I needed. Oh, and the music. The effing music. AWESOME.
The whole premise is insane. You're this Prince of the cosmos...the son of King of all Cosmos. Who happens to be a raging drunk. He got wasted and broke all the stars. So he sends his son to earth (just like Jesus!) to clean up his mess. He gives you a Katamari (a sticky ball...neeyahahahaha!) to roll things up on. You start with thumbtacks, as your ball gets bigger (go to the Doctor) you roll up bigger things. Soon you're rolling up entire cities.
The whole game, the King treats the Prince like crap. All the while, the Prince is rolling up mice, birds, cows, cars, buildings, clouds, giant squids...to give to the King. Who then tosses the heaps of rolled up debris into the sky...turning them into stars. Every cut scene involves this little girl who says "I feel it. I feel the cosmos..." Creepy.
Not only are you making individual stars, you're making constellations. For Virgo, you hafta roll up a buncha girls. For Cancer, you're rolling up crabs. Just like my brother...but I'm pretty sure he never made a constellation from them.
Now I guess there's a sequel. That I'll be playing.
My favorite thing to roll up? Mice. They scream....oh, how they scream.
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
I Hate That
I'm punished for hitting a three instead of a zero by a buncha surgeons in their scrubs standing over some bloody cavity they've opened up. My eyes burn. Shouldn't there be some delay or something when this stuff is on?! I mean, I saw it for maybe 2 seconds...but it was disturbing enough that I felt compelled to write about it. Maybe if there were some zombies eating the person, it'd be okay. But there weren't. So it's not. Now I'm watching the Raptors game...y'know, in retrospect, maybe the surgery show isn't so bad.
Sunday, December 04, 2005
Jake Plummer Award: Week 13
But I'll tell you who COULDN'T predict much of ANYthing this weekend...my main man, Chris! That's right. Ol' Amber Alert has slipped into the third spot once again. He seems to be very comfortable with #3...all over his face.
The above picture was taken in Vegas...not a reservation. It always creeped me out (the picture, not Vegas...or reservations). Then I realized how much Chris looked like Gollum (we'll say just in the picture, kay?) Then I thought how much Chris would like to get a HJ from Gollum while playing the slots. I'm pretty sure he said that while we were in Vegas. "You know what I could go for right now, Ryan?"
"Ummm, maybe some high heels to go with that pink drink of yours?"
"No, thilly! Have you seen LOTR?"
"LOTR? What the crap is that?"
"RYAN! It's Lord Of The Rings!! JEEZ."
"Oh."
"Anyway, there's this little man in it...he gives me shivers. In a good way! I wish he were here right now. With his hands in my lap....teeheheheheheeeheee!"
"Jesus dude. I'm gonna go pee in a fountain."
I'm pretty sure that's how the conversation went. Anyways, congrats to Chris this week. Ten and six isn't bad! It just isn't Fourteen and two.
Friday, December 02, 2005
Belated Jake Plummer Award: Week 12
Oh my God! I'm like, a week late! Don't worry...I went to the doctor. My cycle is just off. I'm sorry to have scared/excited everyone like that.
This week (even though it's almost over) Slag n' Karl tied on their picks. Each goin' ten and six. This is Slag's first stache' week. At least he has a seasoned veteran like Karl to show him the ropes...as long as he gets back from the truck stop. Gotta make that extra holdiday cash!
We're also coming into the final weeks of this wager. Chris still has time to let the wheels fall off, since he's convinced us he doesn't want the cookie duster. But Karl is determined not to let that happen. But in Karl's defense, I think the mustache'll add an air of conviction to the new restaurant owner. Or at least the air of a convict. Congrats on that shizzy either way. I know it's been said. But now it's in writing.
I'll try to get my cycle back to form this week. I've been busy with Resident Evil Four, snow storms, Christmas tree and avoiding the anarchy that is/was the Canadian government. Apathy is everywhere!
Oh, and just so everyone knows. THIS picture comes up every time I look for a stache. At first it was funny. And it still is. Not safe for work...so, y'know. No worries here.
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
Jake Plummer Awared: Week 11
Thanks to my pop for sending me the pic of Karl at such a tender age. Look at those beat up checkerboard slip ons...wow.
Oh, and Karl apparently took the term 'bareback' very literal. No pants?
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
True Crime: Calgary
Anyway, on my way BACK from the errands, I saw the sign. Half a block away from where I parked. The ONLY sign. Nice.
Now, the only reason I'm writing this is becasue this morning I was reading the paper (the comics are awesome! I love Get Fuzzy) and saw this headline:
Police Ordered to Write More Tickets.
Well, apparently the cops read the newspaper here. This is a proud moment. At last, I'm finally contributing to the Canadian economy! Haha (I really laughed, but I won't write "LOL"...dammit!) and the best part is the Chief of police said "We do traffic enforcement for one reason--safety." As you can see, I was a mad man! With my car in a parking spot, all parked and motionless...man, somebody could've been KILLED...or worse, IRRITATED!
The parking enforcement up here is crazy. I once saw a cop whip out a measuring tape to see if a car was too close to a crosswalk. These dudes are CRAZY.
Pretty funny. I mean, my wife won't think so...I better go collect some bottles. I'll be playing Resident Evil for the PS2 (eat it Xbox 360) pretending the zombies are cops.
Friday, November 18, 2005
Thursday, November 17, 2005
But Was He Wearing Sweats?
My Dad...If He Were a Mom
My dad would constantly remind me that if I didn't do well in school "You'll wind up like that guy." Who was 'that guy'? The dude filling up the gas tank (who ironically was probably workng to pay off college debts...or crack debts) was 'that guy'. Or any random bum sleeping in Pioneer Square. "I bet that guy didn't do his homework" my dad would quip. Usually I was too busy not doing my homework to hear what my dad said.
Maybe skipping school to go to Lloyd Center to hang with the gangstas. Or eat breffist over at Slag's house. Maybe get an Egg McMuffin and have a nap in the car. Even got a job at the attendence office...more irony! It sure helped cover my tracks! The attendence lady would be all like "Why weren't you in first period?" I look hurt "What? I was!" Then everything was cool. Or maybe I'd just put a little check mark there before it got to the attendence office. Remember those days Slag? Woo!
The point of all this is this story from the San Francisco Gate:"Mom Makes Daughter Stand on Street Corner"
No. The mom isn't some pimp. Read on:
"Tasha Henderson got tired of her 14-year-old daughter's poor grades, her chronic lateness to class and her talking back to her teachers, so she decided to teach the girl a lesson.
She made Coretha stand at a busy Oklahoma City intersection Nov. 4 with a cardboard sign that read: "I don't do my homework and I act up in school, so my parents are preparing me for my future. Will work for food..."
My dad would be proud.
The whole article is here.
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
Put the Biscuit in the Basket!
Above is a pic of Mr. Jarome Iginla. A badass hockey player and local heart throb due to his nice guy demeanor...and heaving man chest. He's such a nice guy that he farts kittens and rainbows...Canadian Dad caught it on film...digital film? He got a picture of it. Sweet.
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Jake Plummer AwardS: Week 10
Soooo, instea...hold on...wow. Okay, I swear I had the sports highlights on, but all of a sudden the blind sister from Little House on the Prairie was yelling for a doctor...what the hell? Man, I actually used to watch that effin' show. Remember? And Nellie was such a bitch! And they always had candy n' stuff at that store her parents had? Oh man! Prairie ROCKED! Oh no! Now Pa is having his wagon held up...and he's got the medical supplies! GODDAMN BANDITS!
Ahem...anyway. This week was really close. I was getting ready to post a picture of Chris...when all of a sudden Pa got his ass kicked!....I mean, Donovan McNabb threw an interception with 2 minutes left. Ran back for a touchdown. I couldn't believe it. Then the Eagles put in some demon kid....whatever. That guy totally just stole the medical supplies! And my brother (Laura) and I wind up tying for last this week with 9-5 records. Not bad...and we both arrived at those with some pretty retarded picks. That worked out. Laura took Green Bay to win...and they did! I took the Vikings...unbelievable! But where'd that get us? A dead son, that's where! Goddamn bandits!
Friday, November 11, 2005
New Crappy Movie!
Rock n' Roll Never Dies
Jimi is one of the best defenders in the NBA and has changed his name. But, he didn't fool me. Hendrix/Wallace...seven letters. Everything has a formula.
Janis remained a lesbian, got married to a lady named "Sharon" and adopted some fat ugly English kids who take after their mom's (Janis') drug problems.
Thursday, November 10, 2005
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
At Risk Male Youth...That spells ARMY!
Yesterday was the beginning of my volunteering tenure at a local community center. Pretty rad. Basketball courts, fireplace, soccer, tennis...the whole deal. Chris won't be able to go due to the Day care facility though. I'm looking for other volunteer oppurtunities as well, so if you're looking for a volunteer oppurtunity seeker to fill a volunteer oppurtunity, I'm the volunteer for you! Please no whipped cream tasting oppurtunities. I've already fallen for that.
Oh, and did you guys see the T.O. news conference? Holy crap. His agent Drew Roseyass was all "I can't speak for anybody...blah blah...you all suck...T.O. feels really bad...I can't speak for anybody, T.O. wants to play..." What a tool! The best part was when Drew said "People question my relationship with Terrell....I love this man, I'm behind him 110 percent!" Then he said what more do you want to know? "Next question....next question...." Not answering ANYthing, like he was giving a White House press conference! It was pure comedy. I actually postponed my afternoon poop to watch the whole thing.
Especially once he started raising his voice "THE MEDIA IS TREATING HIM UNFAIRLY!!" Oh man. Effing awesome.
In other news, Chris and Slag have both invested in fake mustaches. Which is weird. Since I have one too. Nobody ever said anything to each other about said fake mustaches, till pictures were posted. I guess that's what nearly 20 years of friendship does. Psychic abilities.
Oh, and Steve Holt totally has bitch tits.