Happy Holidays!!

Losers! I'd NEVER Do This!!

As many of you know, I work at a Toy store. Also, as many of you know, it's the holiday season. We're less than 2 weeks away from Christmas. And Chanukah is underway. Kwanza? Knockin' on the door. With all this going on, my work has been INSANE. I wish I could make that even more clear: INFUCKINGSANE. Jesus would be proud. I'm pretty sure whoever the Jewish guy is would be proud too. Jon Stewart? Yeah. Yeah, he'd be proud.

However, there's an even bigger religious figure that is grinning at his disciples. Who is this Holy Man? I'll give you a hint. If there were bumper stickers, they'd say "My Boss is an Italian Plumber". That's right. Mario. Mario's followers have been calling my place of employment for WEEKS inquiring about the Nintendo Wii. Literally 30 inquiries in a span of 5 minutes. "You guys got Wii's?"

"When you get Wii?"

"Herro, you have Wii?"

"Did you guys get Wii's in?"

On, and on. Well, we finally knew when we were getting them in. Saturday. Today. So we started telling people "Yeah, Saturday the 16th". It became Wii-Day. A day that will live in infamy. I started telling people to bring a sleeping bag and or a tent, because there's gonna be people there early. Some of those people laughed at me.

Well, to those people who laughed? I give you the above picture and my middle finger firmly pointed at you.

People showed up at 6pm to get their Wii's. 6pm on Friday. The day before Saturday...at which we open at 9am. This is also 3 weeks after the initial release of the Wii. PS3? What is that? We have some. But the interest isn't there. Not even CLOSE.

The above picture was taken at 11:45pm. I made a special trip just to confirm what I knew was going to happen. I laughed hysterically when I saw the tents peeking above the cars as I rounded the corner. It was also -8c. So to these people, I tip my hat. I also hope you can play your Wii without any fingers. Happy Winter Solstice!

Long Live Mario!!

One Week Later...

Permanent Dentures. Permanent markers. Permanent hair removal. Even permanent flavored gum...or maybe that's peppermint. I now have a new found permanent. RESIDENCY!! Nope, not to be a doctor. Though I'd make the best one ever. Dr. Ryan, medicine woman. I like that.
One week ago, I was granted my permanent residency here in Canada. During that week, I've been congratulated by my new countrymen. I've also become very sick with what I can only assume to be SARS. Or Mad Cow Disease. Either way, it's just a cute way of getting hazed into the country. OH! Haha, I just coughed up my liver. You guys are great! Crazy Canadians.
But I haven't forgotten my American heritage. I couldn't even if I wanted to. I'm reminded every day by the people of Canada. Whether they're from here or India. They know I'm not from here. Or India. How? Either they have super powers, or it's the way I say "wagon" and not "way-gen". Or "Semi' and not "Sem-ee".
"May I have your zip code?"
"No. But you can have my POSTAL code. American."
Ahhhh, subtle nuances. Funny how close that is to nuisances.
You know what else keeps me feelin' my American pride? The new Me First and the Gimme Gimme's album "Love Their Country". All country songs with a nice punk rock reimagining. I felt a little guilty about the fact that I could sing along to "Earl" the first time.
Also fueling my American pride? My huge weiner...and ability to exagerate the truth.
Truths like the one I posted 2 down from here. About CODIII. Mostly I didn't get it. I got Gears of War instead. Thank God. I love the Locust. I'll be adopting a Locust baby here in the next few months. Hands off Jolie/Pitt!!
Also? Look at my demand for Joey Harrington to play for Miami. LOOK AT THAT SHIT! Dolphins? I'm waiting for your phone call and your apology to myself and my on again off again boyfriend Joey Harrington. Why won't you return my calls, Joey? JOEY?!!!
Completley off the subject, here's a list of bands I'm currently rocking out to. Possibly nekkid.
1. The Falcon (members of Slapstick/Lawrence Arms/Alkaline Trio...I can't stop listening to em')
2. Me First and the Gimme Gimme's (D..d...d...DESPERADOOOOOOO)
3. Ryan's Hope (Chris and I got lost in Calgary while listening to em'. Remember, dude?)
4. Los Straitjackets (Greatest. Christmas. Album....EVER. Thanks Conan!!)
5. Gatsby's American Dream (Just some good ol' indie scenster rock. I like it.)
6. Lagwagon's cover of the NOFX classic "Linoleum" (it's got a banjo. BANJO! Plus it takes like 30 seconds to download. Free. Rad.)
7. Scream! Hello (Piebaldish rock. Mi gusta!)
8. I'm sure Form of Rocket would be on here. But I can't find their new album "Men" anywhere. Fuck. I LOVE these dudes. But "Men" eludes me. Why can't I find "Men"? I looked online for men...I mean, "Men". I've checked the mall for "Men". All I want is to have "Men" in my ears all night long! WHY CAN'T I FIND "MEN"?!!! Not even iTunes. Form of Rocket? Please send me "Men." Please.
9. Your mom.
You may have noticed the change to the blog template. Or maybe you haven't because nobody comes here anymore. Either way, I'm gonna be adding some different pictures when I figure it out.
You know what would be rad? If any of the elite people who read this would send me some pictures. I don't care what of. It could be a turd in your toilet. It could be your turtleneck. It could be of the Christmas lights you hung on your house. It could be of a Silvertips game or your new boyfriend. I don't care. Just hook a brother up! I miss everyone!

Belated Zombieween

Panda soup. That's what I suggested for a tasty Halloween evening treat...mostly because a little Asian kid was wearing a panda costume. Tasty.
We went to the in-laws house to hand out candy on a VERY cold Halloween night. It was totally Canadian. All the kids had huge jackets on. Before being thrown into the soup.
I revisted my zombie roots again this year and branched out with a bit more color and also popped my collar to be a "Fashion Zombie"...thanks Aquabats!
Anybody else do anything? Or are you all a buncha old cranky geezers? The kind that leave your porch lights on and answer the door nekkid and say "treeeeeeat". Nice.
Click the pictures and tell me what's scarier. I think the one on the right is...and I have no idea what that furry stuff is on my head from 2005. Man. Thanks, Dad, that shit didn't wait!

COD III

As I prepare myself to go to work, I find my thoughts wandering to the very near future. November 7, to be exact. That's when COD 3 drops. Chris? Your bolt gun won't save you now. 

Joey! Joey!

Man, it's midnight. I just took a sleep aid to help me get back on to a normal sleep pattern (thanks work).
In the midst of (or as a result of) taking the sleep aid, I couldn't stop thinking about today's NFL events.
I swindled my brother in Fantasy Footbal. I'll probably still lose, unless Favre found an all night pharmacy in Philadelphia, that is. I totally blew my picks this week. Messing up my FIL's gamblin' picks as well as my credibility. Not to mention that I think I'm now the number one contender to grow a mustache. I'm counting on you hermano!
I also couldn't help but think of Mr. Daunte Culpepper and what seemed like endless possibilities when he went to Miami. I just thought they'd be possibilities of winning. I even kept him on board in my salary cap football league. Holy crap.
It could be worse. I could be Sports Illustrated. They chose the Dolphins to go to the Superbowl. No shit.

F.E.A.R. 360 = Scary Ass Crap

Though the Xbox 360 still doesn't justify it's lofty price, I'm still a fan. The PS3 continues to shoot itself in the face. The Wii is gonna be rad, but I don't think it's going to take anything away from the 360. It's a totally different animal than the 360/ PS3 with it's crazy ass controllers and consumer friendly price of $250.
But I'm getting off the subject. The purpose and inspiration of these paragraphs is: F.E.A.R.
I just got done playing the demo. A demo that I downloaded for free on the Xbox Live marketplace.
I've got to tell you, I haven't been this freaked out (it's the freaking AFTERNOON) playing a game since the first Resident Evil, when those goddamn zombie dobermans (dobermen?!) crashed through the window.
The game was originally released on the PC. You might remember the commercials. It had one of those scary Japanese style little girls, a corridor of blood and TONS of explosions. This Xbox 360 port (port = console adaption) has all of those things. And that's just on the demo.
The game is a First Person Shooter (FPS) ala Halo or Call of Duty.
The weapons are so effing awesome. SO effing awesome. They range from standard to experimental. I got freaked out during one of my first encounters with a bad guy and pulled the grenade button (meaning to zoom in, thanks COD). The grenade made contact with the bad guy...and the small room I was in turned a nice shade of red. Dripping, splattered red. The shotgun seemed to have the same affect at close range. I also vaporized a dude from long range with some kind of badass sniper rifle that shoots lightning.
Do yourself a favor and download this demo. Do it after you're done killing me in COD2 and you're heading to bed. Do it before you leave to go to work. Do it while cooking dinner. You're not doing me a favor by getting this. I've got it. I crapped my pants and screamed profanities (this time I have an excuse). Do YOURSELF a favor and get this.
Oh, and the dude in the picture up there? I didn't encounter him, but he seems like a total dick.

Setting Kids Up to Fail: CFL

Last Saturday I attended a CFL game. It was Calgary vs Toronto...or drunken fans vs Ricky Williams. It was pretty rad. Thanks again to the FIL for hookin' me up. Our seats were at the endzone. Pretty cool.
We saw Ricky get tackled. A lot. There were also a buncha girls who appeared to be going through some sort of hazing process. They all had outfits on that consisted of leggings, underwear on the outside, face paint and (most importantly) wife beaters with letters on the back.
When each sat next to each other in a certain pattern, the letters spelled (shockingly) a word. What was the word? F-U-K-C. Yep, but then the K and C chick switched spots and it totally made sense.
After half time when the opposing players (incuding Mr. Williams) ran onto the field the chicks turned their backs to the field, much to the delight of the opposing players. And us. Pretty effing funny. Now that I think of it, why the hell do I have 20 pictures of Ricky and none of this incident?!! Goddammit.

SOWWY!

To my friends and brother who almost made me crap my pants last night. I realize this is apology number 2 (haha) to Chris. I laughed so hard at mine and Slag's intial apologies that my stomach (which has had a rough week) hurt. It hurt in such a manner that it demanded to be emptied. Immediatley.So I did.
My pajamas then begged me not to put them back on without taking a shower. So I did.
When I returned, everyone was gone. So, I'm sorry. I'll make it up to you by playing COD and giving you some easy ass kills. 

Pre-Regret Syndrome (Fantasy Football Nerdness)

I just need to get this out of my system. It's been driving me crazy for the last 2 or 3 days. Okay? Here goes: Randy McMichael and/or Jeremy Shockey are gonna have a huge weekend, and I didn't pick either one up. Nope. I kept Wali Lundy (who? exactly) on my roster instead. I started Kevin Jones instead of Ruben Droughns. Can you blame me there, though?
So, Ryan? When you see this come Monday. I told you so...you handsome, awesome kisser, you.

Disputed!

Apparently they haven't met my brother. 

Let The Games...BEGIN!

Just a reminder to you smooth faced bastards: The NFL season starts tomorrow. That means you better get your picks in...or suffer the upper lipped consequences.
Go to Mr. Slag's place and get your bidness posted. Go. Now. Or forever suffer. 

Congrats Chris!

Congrats on your new tv, Chris! Now you can see me killing you in all 56" of glorious color! In other news: I'm moving in with Chris.


Addendum:
I just reread Chris' comment about getting a tv. Holy shit. I call dibs on the front row!

"Yeah, I bought a 56' TV yesterday. So get ready to be S'ing my D in a little COD."

Damn dude. You're house is bigger than I remember.

Dreams

Sadly, my plans never came together. My robot had a lifestyle change and now lives (happily) with another boy robot. I don't really miss him. Except those lonely days on the moon. *Sigh*...I guess I'll have to get some space helmets for my cats.
But priority number one is going to replace that t-shirt. A Mill Plain Missles shirt. I'd pay fifty bucks for one. Or maybe I'll call one last favor in to my old robot.... 

HBD!!

Today is a big day for the dude who was half responsible for me being here. Probably a few others that are here too. Happy birthday Dad! Love you! 

I Hate Canadian Television

In celebration of TSN (the wannabe ESPN) NOT showing Monday Night Football, I'd like to share the e-mail I sent them:

I'd like to thank you guys for taking away my Monday Night Football and showing women's tennis. Sure, you put MNF on the High Def channel (which is subscription). A wise choice. I mean, who would want to watch women's tennis in HDTV? I'd much rather watch sweaty dudes with boogers in HiDef...if I had a High Def TV. I guess I'll have to watch the highlights on the NFL network...or wait over half an hour on 'sports' centre. I hate Canadian tv.
-Ryan

The best part? The feed that TSN is showing is coming from the USA Network. USA USA!

Canola: The Hidden Evil

TRADTIONAL plant breeding? I don't think so! Who'd want to 'r' her?! 

Tourist Trap

 

Me vs Nature

I win. Every time. 

RARRRR!!

These sightings are becoming more and more common. Be on the look out for an angry, freckle covered, giant roaming the country side. Do not agitate him. Just leave your lighter and run away. This sighting is from from Seattle, WA:

" I haven’t seen Josh that pissed in a long time, I guess house projects do that to people..."

That's right, Angry Josh has turned his attention away from Xbox Live and is now focusing on house projects. Hide the hammers.

In other news: No Chin Ryan was seen fleeing the 7-11 with a Slurpee...and no pants.

NFL = National Furry Lip 2006

Though this has been discussed between individuals, it's time to address the issue with everybody. I do believe Chris has delivered the best description of our wager. His e-mail is as follows:
Ryan, Josh and Kyle (will someone forward this to Kyle),

Let’s do the stache bet again!!!! Josh – can you set up your fancy spreadsheet again? I am predicting Karl repeats as the “champ”…

And I saw a bum take a diarrhea crap on the sidewalk yesterday on the way to work. He was walking and all of a sudden took his pants down and squatted on the sidewalk. I saw the liquid come shooting out – I seriously almost puked in my car. It was awesome.

Very Truly Yours,
Christopher Buttlicker
Janitor at Law

Now, I realize that last year's "champ" (Hi champ!) wants nothing to do with it this year. He wants to put money on the line. I say "Pfffft". We can do that ANYWHERE. But I don't think Vegas has mustache bets. I think you can order a mustache up to your room...but I don't think there's wagers.
We've got about 2 weeks to get this together. I'm totally. Down.

Last Year's Winner: Karl!

It's So Easy! Happy Go Lucky!

Yatta! Yatta! Yatta!
I've found Karl's new favorite band. Do yourself a favor. Click this link. Go get something to drink. Now play the video. Just make sure you're not drinking anything while you watch it. You might ruin your keyboard. YATTA! YATTA! YATTA! Now excuse me, while I practice my Yatta! dance. I'm serious.
It's so EASY!!

A Familiar Face!

This last Wednesday, I was visited by an angel. By 'angel' I mean 'unshaven, Jesus Juice swilling, badmitten cheating American. The man in question? My homey of over 2o years...Chris!
He was kind enough to choose me over a big screen television. Sucker.
It was an awesome time. Spent playing badmitten, hanging out, watching the Seahawks get beat up and playing video games. Lots of video games. If you have an X-box360, do yourself a favor and download Geometry Wars. You won't be disapointed...or sane. The trial is free...so do it.
The visit was definitely something that I needed. A fellow American to chill with. Somebody to rage about Canadian tv with (half hour for NFL highlight?!! EAT A DICK 'Sportscentre').
So I just wanted to extend my thanks again to Chris for giving me some summer highlights.

Do I really need to say it?

Chris enjoying a victory shuttlecock in the ass. Just like usual, he brought it home from Wal Mart.

Pee Wee?

Here I am at the World's Largest Dinosaur. For three bucks, you can climb to the top of him. Stand in his mouth and BEHOLD! DRUMHELLER!! Actually pretty cool. And, yes. Yes my shirt DOES glow in the dark.

BUUURRRRRRRRRRRITO!!

While in Lethbridge (should maybe think of changing the name to Methbridge) we ate at a Mexican food place. I haven't had good Mexican food since I've moved up here. Now, it could be that we were within an hour of the States, but this place was GOOD. Pictured above is me with my "meal". Holy shit. I had NO IDEA what I was about to endure. At first I laughed, thought it was cute.

Does this look cute? Yeah, I'm watching my cholesterol...skyrocket. I keep that dolla dolla bill in my wallet. For purposes such as this.

Yeah, so I should be typing this from the hospital. I ate that WHOLE EFFING THING. The amazing part? Not that gassy.

No Girls Allowed

 

Butt Rock

Was this picture worth the run down a possibly rattle snake infested hill? Then back UP said rattle snake infested (maybe) hill? YES. As soon as I saw those butts, I knew I had to risk it. How do I spell hero? R-Y-A-N. 

Litter Box

 

Coyote

The belt will be MIIINE!!! 

WE DO!

HOODOOS!!! Dude, I freakin' LOVE Hoodoos. This park was FULL of them. Hoodoos are soft sandstone pillars that have gotten their ass kicked by wind, rain and magic over the years. The hard sandstone then hangs around and sits on top of the pillars. Pretty rad.