Canada....AT WAR!!!!

Outside my window, I can see a few fluffy clouds and blue sky. The birds are chirping. They seem to be chanting almost. Seeminly a beautiful song...chirp...chirp...chirp....war...war...war. I shake my head. What? What did those crazy little birds say? I could've sworn...'war...war...'
I get off the futon. Take a shower. That'll clear my head. Simon comes in to keep me company. "Meow...row...reeeow...destroy...Danish Invaders...reeoooow." I'm hearing things. Did Simon just ask for a pastry? A Danish at that? No. No...that's not what he said. Now look at me...I'm debating what my cat said to me! No matter. I'll make some coffee. I'm just waking up. It is only noon after all. Still early in the morning.
Ha, Owen thinks I'm going to feed him some canned food. So cute! "Sorry buddy, this is coffee. Not for you, it'll stunt your growth..." "reeeeow...meow...kill, kill, mrew." "Your so talky, talky today, Mr. Cutesy Pan...what? What did you say?" Why is this happening? This can't be happening. Impossible. I left my warrior self behind in the good ol' U. S. of A. I came to this place of peace to settle with my wife. To leave that killing machine me in another world. One that I loved. But one that was going to turn me into a monster. A monster that filed papers and surfed the internet in the name of Justice. But we all know that was a lie. Now I'm here in a seeminly blissful land of peace and hockey.
Maybe if I get online, I can lose myself in all the purity and innocence of the internet. I sip my coffee. Laugh at a silly cartoon. Found out when the Flames home opener is going to be. Look up some rules of card games. Check the news, see what's going on in the worl...no. Oh no. I drop my coffee. My god. No. The birds are chirping louder "WAR, WAR, WAR!" The sky has turned gray. Simon isn't asking for a Danish. No. He wants me to destroy Danish. My urge to file paperwork and practice mundane tasks rises. No. Please God, no.
But I can't stop the craving. It's instinct. This is my new home. I must protect it. From one of the greatest forces of evil on earth. One that has been laying in wait. In the shadows of the Middle East. The world has been distracted. The Danes are preparing to pounce on my new home. They have formed an Axis of Hell with (who else) Greenland. Goddammit. Should've seen this coming. Greenland just OOZES evil. So now I must revisit what I once was.
I must go to this Hans Island. Though the experts insist that it's "uninhabitable". I cannot deny my urge to lay claim to what is rightfully Canada's. My new home. I've been to Alaska. I know uninhabitable. They didn't have internet. You know what? I'm still here. YOU HEAR ME ALASKA? I'M STILL HERE!!! Hans Island? You're next. You goddamn Danes and Greenlandonians or whatever you are...I'm gonna get you. No matter how many flags you fly, I'm gonna get you. Hans Island. Here I come. And I'm bringing my stapler with me.