Calgary, Alberta- An early afternoon lunch of egg salad and chips nearly turned into catastrophe this afternoon.
A new resident to the area had just as soon finished his egg salad sandwich when a familiar feeling rumbled from his belly to his bowels. "I was just finishing my sammich when all of a sudden, I knew I had to poop. Like, THEN. I almost didn't make it to the bathroom." Luckily for the man, his wife and two cats, he DID make it to the bathroom. What happened next can be described only as sick. "So I sat down and...I totally started peeing out my baja. It was bizarre. That must be what my buddy Josh feels like. Always sitting down to pee."
The pooper was also thankful for his reading materials. "It's times like that that you can really appreciate what's printed on the toothpaste tube. And my Stuff magazine. Helps pass the time, y'know?" Apparently one of his cats (identified as Simon) also "kept company" of the man while he went through the neccesary actions.
What did the man learn from this ordeal? He said it best "I probably should have quit after the first sandwich." Amen. Amen.
Friday, July 29, 2005
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
Canada....AT WAR!!!!
Outside my window, I can see a few fluffy clouds and blue sky. The birds are chirping. They seem to be chanting almost. Seeminly a beautiful song...chirp...chirp...chirp....war...war...war. I shake my head. What? What did those crazy little birds say? I could've sworn...'war...war...'
I get off the futon. Take a shower. That'll clear my head. Simon comes in to keep me company. "Meow...row...reeeow...destroy...Danish Invaders...reeoooow." I'm hearing things. Did Simon just ask for a pastry? A Danish at that? No. No...that's not what he said. Now look at me...I'm debating what my cat said to me! No matter. I'll make some coffee. I'm just waking up. It is only noon after all. Still early in the morning.
Ha, Owen thinks I'm going to feed him some canned food. So cute! "Sorry buddy, this is coffee. Not for you, it'll stunt your growth..." "reeeeow...meow...kill, kill, mrew." "Your so talky, talky today, Mr. Cutesy Pan...what? What did you say?" Why is this happening? This can't be happening. Impossible. I left my warrior self behind in the good ol' U. S. of A. I came to this place of peace to settle with my wife. To leave that killing machine me in another world. One that I loved. But one that was going to turn me into a monster. A monster that filed papers and surfed the internet in the name of Justice. But we all know that was a lie. Now I'm here in a seeminly blissful land of peace and hockey.
Maybe if I get online, I can lose myself in all the purity and innocence of the internet. I sip my coffee. Laugh at a silly cartoon. Found out when the Flames home opener is going to be. Look up some rules of card games. Check the news, see what's going on in the worl...no. Oh no. I drop my coffee. My god. No. The birds are chirping louder "WAR, WAR, WAR!" The sky has turned gray. Simon isn't asking for a Danish. No. He wants me to destroy Danish. My urge to file paperwork and practice mundane tasks rises. No. Please God, no.
But I can't stop the craving. It's instinct. This is my new home. I must protect it. From one of the greatest forces of evil on earth. One that has been laying in wait. In the shadows of the Middle East. The world has been distracted. The Danes are preparing to pounce on my new home. They have formed an Axis of Hell with (who else) Greenland. Goddammit. Should've seen this coming. Greenland just OOZES evil. So now I must revisit what I once was.
I must go to this Hans Island. Though the experts insist that it's "uninhabitable". I cannot deny my urge to lay claim to what is rightfully Canada's. My new home. I've been to Alaska. I know uninhabitable. They didn't have internet. You know what? I'm still here. YOU HEAR ME ALASKA? I'M STILL HERE!!! Hans Island? You're next. You goddamn Danes and Greenlandonians or whatever you are...I'm gonna get you. No matter how many flags you fly, I'm gonna get you. Hans Island. Here I come. And I'm bringing my stapler with me.
I get off the futon. Take a shower. That'll clear my head. Simon comes in to keep me company. "Meow...row...reeeow...destroy...Danish Invaders...reeoooow." I'm hearing things. Did Simon just ask for a pastry? A Danish at that? No. No...that's not what he said. Now look at me...I'm debating what my cat said to me! No matter. I'll make some coffee. I'm just waking up. It is only noon after all. Still early in the morning.
Ha, Owen thinks I'm going to feed him some canned food. So cute! "Sorry buddy, this is coffee. Not for you, it'll stunt your growth..." "reeeeow...meow...kill, kill, mrew." "Your so talky, talky today, Mr. Cutesy Pan...what? What did you say?" Why is this happening? This can't be happening. Impossible. I left my warrior self behind in the good ol' U. S. of A. I came to this place of peace to settle with my wife. To leave that killing machine me in another world. One that I loved. But one that was going to turn me into a monster. A monster that filed papers and surfed the internet in the name of Justice. But we all know that was a lie. Now I'm here in a seeminly blissful land of peace and hockey.
Maybe if I get online, I can lose myself in all the purity and innocence of the internet. I sip my coffee. Laugh at a silly cartoon. Found out when the Flames home opener is going to be. Look up some rules of card games. Check the news, see what's going on in the worl...no. Oh no. I drop my coffee. My god. No. The birds are chirping louder "WAR, WAR, WAR!" The sky has turned gray. Simon isn't asking for a Danish. No. He wants me to destroy Danish. My urge to file paperwork and practice mundane tasks rises. No. Please God, no.
But I can't stop the craving. It's instinct. This is my new home. I must protect it. From one of the greatest forces of evil on earth. One that has been laying in wait. In the shadows of the Middle East. The world has been distracted. The Danes are preparing to pounce on my new home. They have formed an Axis of Hell with (who else) Greenland. Goddammit. Should've seen this coming. Greenland just OOZES evil. So now I must revisit what I once was.
I must go to this Hans Island. Though the experts insist that it's "uninhabitable". I cannot deny my urge to lay claim to what is rightfully Canada's. My new home. I've been to Alaska. I know uninhabitable. They didn't have internet. You know what? I'm still here. YOU HEAR ME ALASKA? I'M STILL HERE!!! Hans Island? You're next. You goddamn Danes and Greenlandonians or whatever you are...I'm gonna get you. No matter how many flags you fly, I'm gonna get you. Hans Island. Here I come. And I'm bringing my stapler with me.
Thursday, July 21, 2005
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
I need more...POWER!!
Holy crap! I've done it! I'm a genius! I KNEW that by adding 3 more hamsters to the wheel, and by diverting power from the seal skinning machine, I'd be able to power my computer! SUCCESS!! How's everybody doing? I'm doin' pretty effin' good. I've been here in...Canada? CANADA. Wow. It's so real when I type it like that. Canada. OMFG!!! HELP!! There's 2 lady cops in the coffee shop I'm sitting in. I guess the criminals here are pretty weak. NYAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!! Ahem. So yeah, after my 14 hour drive and almost killing at least one deer, I'm here. I wike it. I've got my car here (sorry Kia, stay. STAY!) The apartment is pretty cool. I still hafta get some of my stuff up on the walls. I showed up and it looked like a museum. Mona Lisa, melting clocks, Botticelli...and some angels TOTALLY making out in the bathroom. Sweet. So far my days have been surprisingliy busy.
The Stampede was in town.
That was pretty rad. Buncha cowboys n' sheeyat. Plus cotton candy. And little donuts. And burgers. Oh, and the effin' SUPER DOGS!! Freakin' Pot Roast. Funny ass dog. Widdle cutey!
The in-laws had a huge bbq for the wife and I. Buncha crazy relatives, more presents, tons o' fun. Till the dog died. RIP Dougal. RIP. That was really, really effin' sad. So next time you be sippin' a fo'tee, have one for you and one for the Dougster. He was a good wee' dog.
On a more positive note, I went to the Warped Tour for FUH-REE on Wednesday. Yup, all the REAL punkers were out in force! It was super effin' fun. Got a bit of a sunburn and hung out with the cousin in laws. Mostly Sheena. Pretty rad. Big D put on a sweet show. Funny dudes. Then came Valient Thorr. Holy shit. That's a post of it's own. Awesome. One of the best live shows ever. Then I saw my guilty pleasure...Avenged Sevenfold. It's like seeing Guns n' Roses on roids'. Them. Not me.
Watched movies this weekend. Nice long weekend with the wife. Miss Congeniality 2? Sorry, no good. I was so disapointed. The bar was just set too high by the first one. Suspect Zero? Eh. Battle Royale? FUCKIN' YEAH!! Japanese movie. 9th grade class sent to an island to kill each other. YES! Wow. 42 kids blast the crap out've each other. Check it out Kyle. There were some cute dudes!
Now I'm just chilin' at Second Cup, gankin' they internet. Probably get my own this week or next. YES! I'm never gettin' a job.
Simon and Owen have been busy. As you can see up top there, they've found a hole where a magmagator lives. I didn't even know they MADE magamagators till the cats showed me. The malamute population has dwindled thanks to those two. Crafty kitties!
P.S.
WTF is Josh talking about? NERD ALERT!!
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