Dreams

Sadly, my plans never came together. My robot had a lifestyle change and now lives (happily) with another boy robot. I don't really miss him. Except those lonely days on the moon. *Sigh*...I guess I'll have to get some space helmets for my cats.
But priority number one is going to replace that t-shirt. A Mill Plain Missles shirt. I'd pay fifty bucks for one. Or maybe I'll call one last favor in to my old robot.... 

HBD!!

Today is a big day for the dude who was half responsible for me being here. Probably a few others that are here too. Happy birthday Dad! Love you! 

I Hate Canadian Television

In celebration of TSN (the wannabe ESPN) NOT showing Monday Night Football, I'd like to share the e-mail I sent them:

I'd like to thank you guys for taking away my Monday Night Football and showing women's tennis. Sure, you put MNF on the High Def channel (which is subscription). A wise choice. I mean, who would want to watch women's tennis in HDTV? I'd much rather watch sweaty dudes with boogers in HiDef...if I had a High Def TV. I guess I'll have to watch the highlights on the NFL network...or wait over half an hour on 'sports' centre. I hate Canadian tv.
-Ryan

The best part? The feed that TSN is showing is coming from the USA Network. USA USA!

Canola: The Hidden Evil

TRADTIONAL plant breeding? I don't think so! Who'd want to 'r' her?! 

Tourist Trap

 

Me vs Nature

I win. Every time. 

RARRRR!!

These sightings are becoming more and more common. Be on the look out for an angry, freckle covered, giant roaming the country side. Do not agitate him. Just leave your lighter and run away. This sighting is from from Seattle, WA:

" I haven’t seen Josh that pissed in a long time, I guess house projects do that to people..."

That's right, Angry Josh has turned his attention away from Xbox Live and is now focusing on house projects. Hide the hammers.

In other news: No Chin Ryan was seen fleeing the 7-11 with a Slurpee...and no pants.

NFL = National Furry Lip 2006

Though this has been discussed between individuals, it's time to address the issue with everybody. I do believe Chris has delivered the best description of our wager. His e-mail is as follows:
Ryan, Josh and Kyle (will someone forward this to Kyle),

Let’s do the stache bet again!!!! Josh – can you set up your fancy spreadsheet again? I am predicting Karl repeats as the “champ”…

And I saw a bum take a diarrhea crap on the sidewalk yesterday on the way to work. He was walking and all of a sudden took his pants down and squatted on the sidewalk. I saw the liquid come shooting out – I seriously almost puked in my car. It was awesome.

Very Truly Yours,
Christopher Buttlicker
Janitor at Law

Now, I realize that last year's "champ" (Hi champ!) wants nothing to do with it this year. He wants to put money on the line. I say "Pfffft". We can do that ANYWHERE. But I don't think Vegas has mustache bets. I think you can order a mustache up to your room...but I don't think there's wagers.
We've got about 2 weeks to get this together. I'm totally. Down.

Last Year's Winner: Karl!

It's So Easy! Happy Go Lucky!

Yatta! Yatta! Yatta!
I've found Karl's new favorite band. Do yourself a favor. Click this link. Go get something to drink. Now play the video. Just make sure you're not drinking anything while you watch it. You might ruin your keyboard. YATTA! YATTA! YATTA! Now excuse me, while I practice my Yatta! dance. I'm serious.
It's so EASY!!

A Familiar Face!

This last Wednesday, I was visited by an angel. By 'angel' I mean 'unshaven, Jesus Juice swilling, badmitten cheating American. The man in question? My homey of over 2o years...Chris!
He was kind enough to choose me over a big screen television. Sucker.
It was an awesome time. Spent playing badmitten, hanging out, watching the Seahawks get beat up and playing video games. Lots of video games. If you have an X-box360, do yourself a favor and download Geometry Wars. You won't be disapointed...or sane. The trial is free...so do it.
The visit was definitely something that I needed. A fellow American to chill with. Somebody to rage about Canadian tv with (half hour for NFL highlight?!! EAT A DICK 'Sportscentre').
So I just wanted to extend my thanks again to Chris for giving me some summer highlights.

Do I really need to say it?

Chris enjoying a victory shuttlecock in the ass. Just like usual, he brought it home from Wal Mart.

Pee Wee?

Here I am at the World's Largest Dinosaur. For three bucks, you can climb to the top of him. Stand in his mouth and BEHOLD! DRUMHELLER!! Actually pretty cool. And, yes. Yes my shirt DOES glow in the dark.

BUUURRRRRRRRRRRITO!!

While in Lethbridge (should maybe think of changing the name to Methbridge) we ate at a Mexican food place. I haven't had good Mexican food since I've moved up here. Now, it could be that we were within an hour of the States, but this place was GOOD. Pictured above is me with my "meal". Holy shit. I had NO IDEA what I was about to endure. At first I laughed, thought it was cute.

Does this look cute? Yeah, I'm watching my cholesterol...skyrocket. I keep that dolla dolla bill in my wallet. For purposes such as this.

Yeah, so I should be typing this from the hospital. I ate that WHOLE EFFING THING. The amazing part? Not that gassy.

No Girls Allowed

 

Butt Rock

Was this picture worth the run down a possibly rattle snake infested hill? Then back UP said rattle snake infested (maybe) hill? YES. As soon as I saw those butts, I knew I had to risk it. How do I spell hero? R-Y-A-N. 

Litter Box

 

Coyote

The belt will be MIIINE!!! 

WE DO!

HOODOOS!!! Dude, I freakin' LOVE Hoodoos. This park was FULL of them. Hoodoos are soft sandstone pillars that have gotten their ass kicked by wind, rain and magic over the years. The hard sandstone then hangs around and sits on top of the pillars. Pretty rad.

Expanses of NOTHINGNESS

Nope, this isn' the Neverending Story. No wish dragons. No crumbling castles, no Fred Savage...dammit. This was the trip from Calgary to Lethbridge/Writing on Stone Park. It was like drive across Wyoming...except Canada. Oh, and that's my new Seahawks hat. YES! 

Dino Sores!

Oh man! Look at that sign!!! AND FLAGS!! WOOOO!!!! Are those flowers?! HOLY SHIT THEY ARE! Oh my god, this soooo worth the 5 hours we just drove!
So, yeah. Doubt was running rampant. But....

Eat it, Ricky Bobby

I like Will Ferrell...in fact, I may even love him. I must. For I forgave him for Bewitched as well as Kicking and Screaming. But, goddammit, he's really pushing me with this whole Talladega Nights shit.
At first I was pretty excited about seeing it. I think I saw (Jesus, there's a preview AS I TYPE THIS!!) the cardboard cut out of him wearing the racecar driver suit when we saw Superman Returns. I remember saying "Cool, a new Ferrell movie...I haven't even HEARD of this one yet!"
Well. Somebody must've been listening. Because those assholes are making up for lost time. I was looking forward to the movie. But now I'm pretty sure I've seen the whole thing on t.v.
Drive with a cougar, not paralyzed, help me Tom Cruise, you're not on fire, feel the road, walker and texas ranger....I'm gonna LOSE IT!! I GET IT! IT'S A FUCKING WILL FERRELL MOVIE!!! HE HAS A NEW MOVIE!!!!! THANKS FOR RUINING IT!!!!!! ....but I still laugh when he jumps up and blocks that shot from the dude in the wheel chair. Maybe if I wait five minutes I can see it again.

Breaking Out the Leg Warmers

BEFORE:

I done tol' y'all I was gonna ride my bike. I did it. I even wore a helmet. I felt like Chris in the 6th grade...damn, he was cutting edge. Rockin' the helmet before it was COOL to rock the helmet. Had I known I'd look so cool in a helmet, I'd've (haha! double apostrophe!) continued to wear one during my day to day activities. Just like the doctor told me I had to.

So I rode for about half hour today. I struggled too. All the more reason to continue on. We've actually got a pretty rad neighborhood to ride around in. I even played the part of the asshole bike rider who uses the turn lane...with hand signals!!

AFTER:

Man, I was SWEATING! Not shocking, I know. But man, it felt good. I'm hoping that doing this activity thing will help with my cholesterol and get me a little less soft in the middle. Though I've completely lost hope for having a defined jaw line. GOBBLE GOBBLE! I'm thinking maybe once I'm feeling better, I can go hang out with Mila at TIT.

Because you LOVE it!

Resolutions n' Updates...Resupdateolutions!

Wow. 2006...it's already here?! Wait...it's August? Time for some New Year's Resolutions!!!As I sit here at my new lil' Ikea Robin desk (desk!), I feel my pants tighten. Nope, not there. Though if I look at that picture long enough, they WILL get tight there. Y'see, I've grown stronger over the last couple of months. I can feel it. I can even see it in my arms...soon I'll be the champ. Hulk, you better look out. Y'see, this job has helped in the strentgh department, but not in the cardio/hair growth department. I'm actually in the worst cardio shape of my life. No Josh to dunk on while playing basketball. No Chris to...umm...Chris? How's YOUR cardio? Kyle?!! ARE YOU BREATHING?!!! No, walking to Jack in the Box doesn't count. Sorry.Anyway, lifting granite isn't as awesome as it sounds. Shocking? I know, I know. So I'm gonna get my ass outta this 30 year old slump. Resolution numero uno?
1. Get my ass MOVING again. Due to my twisted ankle in an earlier attempt at playing basketball, I haven't been able to. But the ankle is better now. At least, that's what my gut is telling me. Because I can't see my ankle. The gut is assuring me that's it's okay though. So I'll be dusting off the ol' yellow bike and terrorizing my new neighborhood.

Are you ready ass? Let's go.

I've also been neglecting some other things other than myself. What might that be? Why, you. YOU dear reader. I apologize for leaving you in the car with the windows up on that hot summer day. But daddy HAD to go into that business establishment for a couple of hours. I know it was hot in there. But imagine how I felt knowing you were locked in that car while I had to make a decision whether or not to double down. It pains me.
It also pains me that I've neglected the blog so much recently. Funny how getting a job and an Xbox360 (still a lame name for that machine) can put a damper on typing shit. NO MORE! Why? Because Call of Duty is losing it's luster. Hahahahahahhahahaha!!! How is that possible after playing only once week? Well, sheeeee-yit, that ties into my next resolution! More video games. That's right. I've wasted too much time in between activity/non activity. In the middle. Which has resulted to more in the middle of me. MORE biking/running (from the cops) and more video games with my homies. I'm hoping they'll see the light and pick up some Perfect Dark. As if I've had a bad idea YET. Let's GO boys.
2. More blogging.
3. More video games. I'm working on it. It's a resolution. Eat a d.

I'd also like to resolve to have penis reduction surgery. MAN! It's getting so hard (hahaha!) to walk with this thing!
I've also gotta eat healthier. That's TOTALLY cliche, I know. But it's a fact. I went to the Doctor to ask him about that reduction surgery and he told me not until I get my cholesterol down. I'm like 32% above normal he said. And I'm all like "Look doc, I KNOW. That's why I need the surgery. Besides, I'd say I'm closer to 40% above normal...look at it!"
After he slapped me, he told me he was talking about my cholesterol. So my cholesterol is 32% above normal. My question is this: Can I get superpowers from having higher levels of cholesterol? I'll let you guys know.
4. Eat more. Healthy. Eat more healthy. Is Crisco healthy?
How can this possibly be bad cholesterol?

Let's see here...what else...ummm...OH! I resolve to whoop ass in my fantasy football league (AGAIN) this year. I also resolve not to grow the stache' this year.
5. Keep kicking ass.

I also resolve to keep downloading music. Legit style. I hate you iTunes...wait...come back here. I love you baby...here's ten bucks, gimme some good music...
6. Keep rocking while kicking ass.
I think that's it for now. What else? Help me out here. The flood gates are....OPEN!!! (just like Chris' butt cheeks).