Workin' Man

Cutting up my arms. Waging a war against weeds. Peeing in Hefty bags. That's my life now. Not that you bastards are paying attention anymore. Get your asses up here.

Sexy!

The goats had a real taste for peanut butter. Those pants? Chaps. Underwear? Nope. 

Nature!

Here's a rare picture of a cloud mating with a mountain. The gestation period is like a year. At which point the mountain will give birth to some kind of freakish mountain cloud. Cloudtain...yeah. It'll probably take over the world. 

Betta Gitchoself a Jobby Job!

Would YOU hire this man? No? Well, that's because you're (probably) a stupid American. I have been FLOODED with phone calls from employers up here. Surprisingly not many are from truckers looking for 'company'. Nope. I had a second interview at UPS...that I ditched. What can Brown do for me? Pffft, NOTHIN'! I took a job with my first interview. At a landscaping company. Yep. That's me practicing my landscaping skills up there.
Watch out record store! Watch out Pokemon store! I now have disposable income! Starting tomorrow. PiiiiiiiiikaaaaaaaaCHOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! 

Life Is Fast. So Are Cats.

Breaking News: This weekend Angela and I are headed to Banff. I've got a mark up there that needs to be knocked off. Plus it's our one year anniversary...WOAH! A freakin' year on Easter. I knew Jesus loved me. He's totally gonna give us a hollow bunny for our anniversary. The in-laws have been kind enough to provide us with cards and meal money. Hell yeah! I'm super sizing my fries!
So not only are we celebrating the fact that Angela has had an endentured servant for almost a year, we're also celebrating an end to that exciting run. You see, my WORK PERMIT arrived in the mail yesterday!!!!!!! EAT IT CANADA! You have no idea what you've just unleashed upon yourself. I'm gonna pay the SHIT outta my income taxes. I'm gonna pay em' so hard. I've also got an interview with a landscaping company tomorrow. Haha! I feel my Mexican brothers plight more and more every day. No. Kyle's not Mexican..it's a just a figure of speech.
What does all this have to do with me eating Owen's brains? Nothing.

That's Where I Came From!

Apparently my dad is smuggling range balls. We can see your golf bag, dude! 

Pop In Palm Springs

So, my pop is taking some man time down in Palm Springs. Shaved his head, hooked up the trailer and hit the road. Above is a picture of him begging for change on a local Palm Springs golf course. I think Palm Springs is also Chris' stage name. 

True Face of DOMINATION!

I recently subscribed to XBox Live. I thought it was different. I guess I had XXX Box Live in mind. But this is pretty cool anyways. My brother, Chris and Josh (finally!) have been playing TONS of Halo2 online. It's totally nerdy, but rad. I can talk shit from a different country! Above is a picture of me rockin' your ass with my new haircut in my sauna (that carbonite totally doesn't melt!). A glimpse into the future perhaps? Thanks Dad!
Oh, and I have to give props to Josh. He actually had to buy an XBox to partake in these events. Good job, man. That took some cojones. 

The After Party

Much to my chagrin, I wasn't able to go home (thanks immigration!) to see Chris for the big three oh. The nice thing? I went to the zoo on his birthday and he was THERE!! It was awesome to see him. I even sung him Happy Birthday. He just threw his poop at me and ate sunflower seeds. Good to see he hasn't changed. 

The Thirty Trifecta

Mortality be damned! My amigo Chris turns 30 in just a few days. Myself and Slag are shortly to follow. I think we've defied the odds. None of us are dead. None of us are in prison (anymore). To celebrate, I'm creating Chris' gift. I hope to have he and Slag up here soon so we can do a Dirty Thirty bash. Maybe in June we can even have a Vegas redux? By then I should be legal! WOOO! Now I know how the Mexicans feel. I'll be leading a march up here this week.
Anyway, here's a couple of pictures of my homies and I from the past year. I miss you guys!

Fire Up the Barbie!

After the last picture, my camera's batteries were being bigger bitches than the sun. They're not even STARS! Not red dwarf. Not gas giants. Nothing. Just batteries. Bitch ass batteries. It's a shame too, because there was a dead squirrel laying next to a stick that was begging for some close ups. Instead, I was able to come up with an Engergizer/Generic Battery combination for one last picture. Can you spot the Barbie head in the grass?
I can. Right after I took the picture, some dude skull effed it. Sick man. 

Spring Has Sprang

As promised, here's a picture from one of our bike rides. This is like ten minutes away from our place. Freakin' beautiful. The weather is getting nicer here and the bike trails will be seeing much more of my fat ass. So will you.
I was so excited about taking this picture, I saw the trees casting the shadow on the ice in front of them. I was all like "Oh man, that's soooo cool!" So we stopped peddling and I busted out the camera. Only to have the sun hid behind some clouds. "HEY! Mothafawkin' SUN! YOU HEAR ME? Getcho pansy ass out here! 'Wooooo, I generate nuclear fuuuuuusion'...fuck you! Generate your nuclear fusion on these trees, bitch!" Then, it did. And I took the picture. 

Don't Remove the Feeding Tube!

The doctors have done it. SUCCESS! I've been successfully brought back to a vegetative state! After lots of actual activity, I can now return to typing on the blog. Just in time too. I was treading dangerously close to Slag territory.
So what the hell have I been doing?
1.Okay. I've actually still been in a vegetative state. That whole thing about the doctors? A lie. No doctors. I just wish I'd have realized they weren't doctors before I drank that 'medicine' and let them 'take my temperature'. Oh well.
As my brother, Chris and many children can now attest, I've been playing Halo2 on Xbox Live.
Just like wearing underwear, I'm late on this bandwagon trend. Okay. I'm still late on the underwear one too.
There's no better way to stay close to far away friends and family, than to kill them and then mock them after you've defaced their dead pixelated bodies. I'm still waiting for for the friends part to get their asses online though. They've been FAR too busy visiting Centralia instead of getting their shit together so we can kill each other. Shockingly, my brother acted almost immediately to the proposistion. The same dude who still has Chris' and Josh's Xmas presents. While we wait patiently for Josh to get an Xbox and for Chris to get internet at home, Kyle and I will continue to bask in the glow of gunfire.
2. I've also been rockin' out.
Over the last 2 or 3 weeks I've come into the posession of no less than 8 cds. Over half of them coming from my Pop. That's right. Our Amazon order finally came through! THANKS POP!
Due to my financial situation, my cd purchasing has been experiencing a bit of a drought. But now? Look out Noah, it's a mutha fuckin' FLOOD!
Just as parents do with children, I have my favorites.
Bigwig- The new Bigwig album? Holy shit. So good. So angry. I hope Slag is enjoying it as much as I am, since he turned me on. To Bigwig. Turned me on to Bigwig.

NOFX- The new EP is classic NOFX. I can't WAIT for the new full length coming out in April. It's not gay. I mean, being RELEASED in April. Not that there'd be anything WRONG with that.

Pistolita- I love this album. If these kids keep at it, they'll probably have some success. They're already signed to EastWest records (an 'incubator' imprint of Warner Musicl). It reminds me of early Smashing Pumpkins at times, Murder By Death at other times. Just something anybody can kinda step into without being familiar with the band. Lots of piano and cellos...or violins. Some shit like dat!

The Delegates- I'm rockin' out to this RIGHT NOW. They've given Bigwig a run for their money as far as ppd (plays per day, dumbass!) for me. It's reallllllllly good. I've read some other reviews of the album and they're spot on with the comparisons of early Less Than Jake with some Clash thrown in for good measure. Awesome album. It's ska without being ska...very few upstrokes. Just straight up rock yo' ass gee-tar n' horns. They also cover the Roots song 'You Got Me'. Which is actually now one of my favorite songs on the album. I won't even mention the fact that they're from Canada. I didn't know till after I got the album. I was tricked. But you know what? It's still rocking my ass right now!

p.s. Will you check any of these guys out? Probably not. Why? Because new things frighten you. But if you overcome your fears (you really should, people are beginning to stare) you can click on the links up there. Seriously. Open your effing mind.

3. I've also been mourning the loss of Arrested Development. I look forward to purchasing the 3rd season DVD set in April. But that doesn't make up for the fact that it's gone. But last night there was a light that shone through the dark void left by the Bluths.
I don't know how the marketing is for this show in "The States" (eat it Ted!). But up here, I haven't seen SHIT about it. I just happened to catch it by accident last night. See what I'm doing? I'm FOX! I'm talking about the show, without actually telling you what it's called or when to see it!
Okay, okay. It's called Free Ride. Even though I missed the first five minutes, I still watched it. Freakin' hilarious. As far as I can tell it's about a kid who moves from L.A. back home to some hick town. He lives with his parents. His dad doesn't wear pants (Pop?) and his best friend is a metal dude who plays bass in a Christian band "They're the only band in town!" Holy cow. The band is my favorite. Singing about Intelligent Design..."are you gonna come pray with us?"

4. Riding my bike. I love that shit. I'll post some pictures from my bike rides this week. Aren't you excited?! I am. The best part about riding bikes is getting that line of mud up your back, then shitting your pants and saying that it's mud. Who's gonna question you? You're on BIKE!

5. Wondering why my e-mails/phone calls don't get returned. I think because I say who I am. Damn you knowing me!

Daily Show: Corrdry on Bonds

During my nightly ritual of watching the Daily Show (sans clothes) and Colbert Report, I nearly woke up the neighbors. Only not with my usual pleading cries begging Angela stop beating me. No, this time it was laughter.
Rob Corrdry was reporting on the Barry Bonds steroid 'scandal'. When Jon asked him how Barry was reacting to the situation, Rob responded:
"He tore a phone book in half and f*cked the Coke machine."

Calgary Tower

My Canadian Family, my wife and myself went to the Calgary Tower about 2 weeks ago. It's an old abandoned missle silo that was built by the communist party back in the 60's. Those were some tense times for Canada and the USA. Luckily (for both of us) Canada saw the light that was Freedom. The commies were so blinded by it that the good people of Canada toppled the pinko bastards and replaced the Hammer and Sickle with a new symbol of power and freedom. The almighty Maple Leaf. Even named a hockey team after it. But I digress.
The Calgary Tower is now a rotating restaurant with an observation deck. I've never seen anything like it. I'm hoping a city in the NW will someday get something like this.
We had an awesome lunch. After which we went to the viewing deck. Pretty standard as far as abandoned missle silos go. Beautiful view of the city and the surrounding mountains. But, ahoy! What's this? A brilliant new feature? YES! It's a glass floor. That you stand on. Three words for you. Glass. Fucking. Floor.
Women and children cowered in it's presence. Lumberjacks sobbed at the mere sight of it. I jumped up and down upon it. Here, is my story. Whatever. It's just some pictures. Jesus, try to be dramatic...just look! SHUT UP! LOOK!

The Canadian Family and I.

The Tower in question.

If you look closely, you can see the puddle of urine.

Subtle

It Sucks Air

"Ohh SNAP!"
I effing love the new VW commercials. LOVE THEM. Giving the beer market a run for it's money. I think having a GTI would make me happier than a leetle gull. Now it's time on Shprockets when we dance...
And watch commercials.

Stunt Doubles

Is this a dead horse? Yes. Is it still funny to me? Yes.

Renovations

Hey. Where's my roof? Bitch, don't mess with me. Put a new roof on here. Now. I'm not a Katrina victim. Simon? Maybe. But look at me. No way. You see the color of my fur? Don't make me call my lawyer.
So at Owen's uhhh...encouragements, I put a new roof on the place. Reminds me of the Brady Bunch house. All 70's style. Speaking of which, didn't Slag say something about them being incestuous? Is that possible? Unless Greg was poking his bros, or Marcia was with her sisters...they could cross breed all they wanted. Think about, Slag. Dumbass.
Do you see why this roof had to come off? As much as Simon love it, his fat ass couldn't fit. No matter how much he pretended. He was pretty attached to it...
YES! New carpet and everything. Home Depot effing rocks. The wood was less than 2 bucks. Then I just cut up a mat. I'd like to install a fireplace next.

Do the Mall Haul

No kid is disappointed with a Chubbie for their birthday/Christmas/I love you present! So hurry up and give the youngster in your life a Chubbie.
While you're at it, get them a book by Dover. If I had to speculate, I'd say the first name is Ben.
Who knows hip hop better than muslims? Those dudes (and ladies) are STREET! Gangs are SOOO last season. Wear the wrong COLOR and be shot? Pfft. Whatever. Draw a cartoon for these guys. See what happens. I bought every single hat there. I'm now officially "Hip Hop".