Roid Rage. Without the Roids. Or Muscles.

Nightmares. Night terrors. Bad dreams. Flat pop. We've all had these. I've had my share. Last night was just the latest.

For years I've had seemingly lucid dreams of somebody being in my apartment. Or dreams that just seem REAL. Like when you dream you're falling and you flail your body around like sizzling piece of bacon. Even better when somebody is in bed with you and you make the "Ssnnnoooowah!" noise as you breathe in preparing for impact and you wake up. Awesome.

I used to dream about spiders and other bugs A LOT. It was bad, man. But I'd never just let them get me. I'd grasp at the air to squish them or punch the air to knock them off their webbing. Crazy? Yep. Hilarious? Yep.

One of the best ones was when I was in the Coast Guard. I was on the ship, sleeping in my rack. I think we were at a port call in Costa Rica. I was sleeping in my rack (it's like a freakin' coffin) dreaming of the Arctic or something. That's the only thing that makes sense. Because before I knew it I was being attacked by a polar bear. I thought it was real. I started screaming and punching the top of my rack. Which is the bottom (haha) of the rack above me. "Get it off! AHHHHHH!!!" I woke everyone up in my berthing area. Effing sweet. "What's wrong?!" "Um. I was being attacked by a polar bear. WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU GUYS?!"

I've had plenty of other of these occasions as well. But I usually realize that I'm dreaming before I start freakin' out. Until last night. Around 3am somebody had snuck into the apartment. He was standing right over me. A tall shadowy figure. Normally a dream come true, right? Not last night. I remember thinking "wait....wait...." like I was waiting for him to get closer.

Now, keep in mind that my wife is asleep right next to me. Simon is sleeping on my pillow and Owen is sleeping at my feet.

As the figure gets ready to strike...I leap out of bed using my special ninja surprise attack technique (SNSAT)! "YAAAARRRRRR!!!!! MOTHER FUCKER!! RARR! (incoherent screaming)!!"

I'm punching EVERYTHING around me! From my bed to the closet is about 2 or 3 feet. So upon leaping I crashed right into the effin' thing. Which put me on my ass. Which made me angry. I was still punching and kicking. I got up and went for a second round of attacks. I made it to the coat rack that's behind our door and knocked all the clothes off it. Thus blocking the door.

Also keep in mind that the room is PITCH BLACK.

As I struggled to open the door so I could I could get to the light, the clothes barricaded it. So I think I thought whoever it was had fallen down and wouldn't let me open the door. By that time I started to wake up a little bit. I was able to turn on the light so my wife could see her triumphant warrior. In all his nekkid glory. Oh, I didn't mention that I was sans clothes? Ohhhh yeah, that's how I roll.

My heart was POUNDING. "Ryan, what the hell is going ON?!" "Ummmm....." As I surveyed the room, I realized what I had done. The closet and the lamp never stood a chance. Though they got some pretty good licks in. I was bleeding on my knee and foot. Scratches on my chest. Did I mention I was nekkid?