Friday, December 30, 2005

What's in the boooxxxxxxx?

What's in this box? Some chickens...maybe some cocks?
Could it be a fresh pair of socks?
What's in the box? I don't know Kevin Spacey, maybe some burgers and a Sprite?
No, that's not right. Let me tear you box...cardboard doesn't put up much of a fight.
That wood grain, maybe the kind you'd see at church? I wouldn't know, just a guess that Jesus liked birch.
What could this possibly be?! Something that makes me giggle with glee!
A new coffee table?! One with four legs and a shelf?! The kind I put together all by myself!
With a wrench named Allen and a bag of screws, this shit's getting put together faster than a white girl gone missing being shown on the news!
What's in this box? A badass coffee table, oh, I see ya'.
What's in this box? Thanks IKEA! Posted by Picasa

Thursday, December 29, 2005

Uh huh...yeah. Uh huh....no...see, usually I let the fire department deal with the cats in the trees. And the fires...in my pants. Posted by Picasa
I know you want a dozen of those. Posted by Picasa

Supa Holidays and Bad Haircuts

Christmas morning. I used my new cape and Viagra. They don't call me Tripod for nothin'! Posted by Picasa

Thursday, December 22, 2005

New Digs


Wow. So this was actually pretty easy. I thought I was gonna have to totally start over! I even started another place from scratch. I thought all this old crap was gonna be gone forever. NOT SO! I just had to change the web address, then blogger threw everything in the back of a U-Haul truck for me! Luckily no accidents happened while I was driving the truck.
So this is the new place. It's got an awesome view of the Donkey Show site from here. VIVA LA BasementBattle!

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Jake Plummer Award: Week 15

Actual Award: Adjusted Award:
I am overcome with sadness...yet, joy is tickling my baja. Why? Because this is week 15 of the NFL season. Week 15. Time flies...the season is winding down. As is our mustache contest. What contest? Why, the one I'm going to tell the uninformed about about.
In week three, a wager was proposed. A wager that myself, Amber Alert, Karl and Mr. Slag would participate in. The winner gets nothing. It's the loser who receives a prize.
That prize being a cookie duster. A nose neighbor...a moustache/mustache. Whoever had the worst record as far as picks go at the end of the season would sport a stache' starting at the end of the regular season, through the playoffs and be able to shave it on Superbowl Sunday. So for the football challenged it would span from January 1st 2006 till February 5th 2006.
It's that period that brings the tickling of joy. The playoffs are a great time of year...even better knowing somebody I care for is sporting a Selleck.
The next 2 weeks will be very interesting. We've shaken things up a bit. From this last weekend forward, if you pick AGAINST the lines and the team wins: You get TWO wins. Hence the actual and adjusted wins/losses column and awards here. Having a three game pad between first and last is no longer comfy. Karl gained a bit of ground this past weekend. Chris may still get his secret wish.
Keep track of the action over at Slag's place.

Monday, December 19, 2005

Roid Rage. Without the Roids. Or Muscles.



Nightmares. Night terrors. Bad dreams. Flat pop. We've all had these. I've had my share. Last night was just the latest.

For years I've had seemingly lucid dreams of somebody being in my apartment. Or dreams that just seem REAL. Like when you dream you're falling and you flail your body around like sizzling piece of bacon. Even better when somebody is in bed with you and you make the "Ssnnnoooowah!" noise as you breathe in preparing for impact and you wake up. Awesome.

I used to dream about spiders and other bugs A LOT. It was bad, man. But I'd never just let them get me. I'd grasp at the air to squish them or punch the air to knock them off their webbing. Crazy? Yep. Hilarious? Yep.

One of the best ones was when I was in the Coast Guard. I was on the ship, sleeping in my rack. I think we were at a port call in Costa Rica. I was sleeping in my rack (it's like a freakin' coffin) dreaming of the Arctic or something. That's the only thing that makes sense. Because before I knew it I was being attacked by a polar bear. I thought it was real. I started screaming and punching the top of my rack. Which is the bottom (haha) of the rack above me. "Get it off! AHHHHHH!!!" I woke everyone up in my berthing area. Effing sweet. "What's wrong?!" "Um. I was being attacked by a polar bear. WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU GUYS?!"

I've had plenty of other of these occasions as well. But I usually realize that I'm dreaming before I start freakin' out. Until last night. Around 3am somebody had snuck into the apartment. He was standing right over me. A tall shadowy figure. Normally a dream come true, right? Not last night. I remember thinking "wait....wait...." like I was waiting for him to get closer.

Now, keep in mind that my wife is asleep right next to me. Simon is sleeping on my pillow and Owen is sleeping at my feet.

As the figure gets ready to strike...I leap out of bed using my special ninja surprise attack technique (SNSAT)! "YAAAARRRRRR!!!!! MOTHER FUCKER!! RARR! (incoherent screaming)!!"

I'm punching EVERYTHING around me! From my bed to the closet is about 2 or 3 feet. So upon leaping I crashed right into the effin' thing. Which put me on my ass. Which made me angry. I was still punching and kicking. I got up and went for a second round of attacks. I made it to the coat rack that's behind our door and knocked all the clothes off it. Thus blocking the door.

Also keep in mind that the room is PITCH BLACK.

As I struggled to open the door so I could I could get to the light, the clothes barricaded it. So I think I thought whoever it was had fallen down and wouldn't let me open the door. By that time I started to wake up a little bit. I was able to turn on the light so my wife could see her triumphant warrior. In all his nekkid glory. Oh, I didn't mention that I was sans clothes? Ohhhh yeah, that's how I roll.

My heart was POUNDING. "Ryan, what the hell is going ON?!" "Ummmm....." As I surveyed the room, I realized what I had done. The closet and the lamp never stood a chance. Though they got some pretty good licks in. I was bleeding on my knee and foot. Scratches on my chest. Did I mention I was nekkid?

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

YA RLLY!

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Happy Holidays! Eat a dick O'Reilly...O RLLY!

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The Age of Innocence

What's Slag looking at? He's presenting his back to me. A tradition that carries on to this very day. Posted by Picasa

Monday, December 12, 2005

Sombrero...Slagbrero. Wheelbarrow?


Aye Caramba! Senor Numero Tres strikes again! Viva Retaliation!

Jake Plummer Award: Week 14

Whatchoo gonna do with those picks, those picks in that shirt? Gonna make you work, work, work work! Man. What a freakin' WEEK. If my math is right (ha!) Chris and I are now tied for second place. Which isn't really bad. It's still amnesty from the mustache. Karl is now almost a lock...which he has been since about week 5, to sport the cookie duster.
Now, if you don't mind, the elves are telling me to put down my Schlitz, because my break is over. Can I just finish this smoke? What? It's a Virgina Slim. What? No, it's not. No it's not! Who says they're girl's cigarettes?! You? Pffft, dude, you're wearing tights and shoes that curl up. Whatever. Okay. I'm going...Merry Christmas! Posted by Picasa

Friday, December 09, 2005

Sending Things To Earth

Katamari. Katarmari Damacy. That crap has turned my world UPSIDE down. It's steamrolled me. Rolled me into a ball...and made me smile. What is it? The short answer: a video game for the PS2 (that's the system that still works). After my X-Box gave me the crazy red eye, I went back to my dusty mistress...the PS2. I forgot how awesome it felt to be deafened by that beast. It's loud...but strangely calming. The constant "wrrrrrrrrrr" of the fan or the disc spinning...I dunno. But it competes with the Honeywell electric heater.
My PS2 came back into my life with Resident Evil 4. After seeing the commercials on tv, I went out and rented it. Holy crap. Awesome game. Different than the other ones in that the bad guys aren't exactly zombies. At first, I was bummed. But then I realized "Hey, their brains still splatter on the wall just like a zombie. I can still kick their heads off like a zombie...awesome." The bosses were freakin' rad too. Scary.
Eventually I beat the game and returned it. I felt empty. My PS2 lay dormant beneath the tv. I needed another fix. But I needed something not too intense. I was still reeling from RE4.
So I picked up Katamari: Damacy. Holy shit. The graphics could've been from the Nintendo 64. But...but...it was so....cute...and basic. No buttons required. Just what I needed. Oh, and the music. The effing music. AWESOME.
The whole premise is insane. You're this Prince of the cosmos...the son of King of all Cosmos. Who happens to be a raging drunk. He got wasted and broke all the stars. So he sends his son to earth (just like Jesus!) to clean up his mess. He gives you a Katamari (a sticky ball...neeyahahahaha!) to roll things up on. You start with thumbtacks, as your ball gets bigger (go to the Doctor) you roll up bigger things. Soon you're rolling up entire cities.
The whole game, the King treats the Prince like crap. All the while, the Prince is rolling up mice, birds, cows, cars, buildings, clouds, giant squids...to give to the King. Who then tosses the heaps of rolled up debris into the sky...turning them into stars. Every cut scene involves this little girl who says "I feel it. I feel the cosmos..." Creepy.
Not only are you making individual stars, you're making constellations. For Virgo, you hafta roll up a buncha girls. For Cancer, you're rolling up crabs. Just like my brother...but I'm pretty sure he never made a constellation from them.
Now I guess there's a sequel. That I'll be playing.
My favorite thing to roll up? Mice. They scream....oh, how they scream.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

I Hate That

So I just got done watching the Flames lose to the Flyers in a shootout. Sucked. So I change the channel to see if there's a basketball game or something on. I hit the wrong button and wind up on some goddamn surgery! Does this happen to other people?
I'm punished for hitting a three instead of a zero by a buncha surgeons in their scrubs standing over some bloody cavity they've opened up. My eyes burn. Shouldn't there be some delay or something when this stuff is on?! I mean, I saw it for maybe 2 seconds...but it was disturbing enough that I felt compelled to write about it. Maybe if there were some zombies eating the person, it'd be okay. But there weren't. So it's not. Now I'm watching the Raptors game...y'know, in retrospect, maybe the surgery show isn't so bad.

Sunday, December 04, 2005

Jake Plummer Award: Week 13

Wow, what a crazy weekend of football! Who would have predicted such a crazy weekend? Me. That's who. 13-2 for the weekend so far. I was lookin' PERFECT till the Bills and Texans blew it. That's what I get.
But I'll tell you who COULDN'T predict much of ANYthing this weekend...my main man, Chris! That's right. Ol' Amber Alert has slipped into the third spot once again. He seems to be very comfortable with #3...all over his face.
The above picture was taken in Vegas...not a reservation. It always creeped me out (the picture, not Vegas...or reservations). Then I realized how much Chris looked like Gollum (we'll say just in the picture, kay?) Then I thought how much Chris would like to get a HJ from Gollum while playing the slots. I'm pretty sure he said that while we were in Vegas. "You know what I could go for right now, Ryan?"
"Ummm, maybe some high heels to go with that pink drink of yours?"
"No, thilly! Have you seen LOTR?"
"LOTR? What the crap is that?"
"RYAN! It's Lord Of The Rings!! JEEZ."
"Oh."
"Anyway, there's this little man in it...he gives me shivers. In a good way! I wish he were here right now. With his hands in my lap....teeheheheheheeeheee!"
"Jesus dude. I'm gonna go pee in a fountain."
I'm pretty sure that's how the conversation went. Anyways, congrats to Chris this week. Ten and six isn't bad! It just isn't Fourteen and two. Posted by Picasa

Friday, December 02, 2005

Belated Jake Plummer Award: Week 12



Oh my God! I'm like, a week late! Don't worry...I went to the doctor. My cycle is just off. I'm sorry to have scared/excited everyone like that.

This week (even though it's almost over) Slag n' Karl tied on their picks. Each goin' ten and six. This is Slag's first stache' week. At least he has a seasoned veteran like Karl to show him the ropes...as long as he gets back from the truck stop. Gotta make that extra holdiday cash!

We're also coming into the final weeks of this wager. Chris still has time to let the wheels fall off, since he's convinced us he doesn't want the cookie duster. But Karl is determined not to let that happen. But in Karl's defense, I think the mustache'll add an air of conviction to the new restaurant owner. Or at least the air of a convict. Congrats on that shizzy either way. I know it's been said. But now it's in writing.

I'll try to get my cycle back to form this week. I've been busy with Resident Evil Four, snow storms, Christmas tree and avoiding the anarchy that is/was the Canadian government. Apathy is everywhere!

Oh, and just so everyone knows. THIS picture comes up every time I look for a stache. At first it was funny. And it still is. Not safe for work...so, y'know. No worries here.