Save Yourself Some Effing Time

I just got done reading a Dean Koontz book earlier this week. I was pretty excited about reading it, since I remembered enjoying some of his earlier books.
Angela and I also watched Undead this weekend. In the spirit of Halloween, the fact that zombies are badass and that I'd been wanting to see it since I read about it on Ain't it Cool News over a year ago.
Let me just say, that I was completely let down by these two pieces of crap. The fact that I'm wasting more time on them, is so nobody else makes the same mistake. Plus the story that each tells are strangely similar. It's weird. So, I'll just do a quick dual review.
First off, Mr. Koontz? What happened to you? I swear that you used to write books that weren't thinly veiled religious, contrite, human spirit bullcrap. I was watching Family Guy last night. The episode where Brian runs over a guy in New England. Gets out of the car to check on the guy and asks "Oh my God! Are you Stephen King?" The guy answers "No, I'm Dean Koontz." Brian proceeds to get into the car and run him over 3 more times.
The book starts out pretty rad. Strange glowing rain begins falling one night, flooding the earth and making people sick. The main character, Molly, is awake as the rain starts. Her hubby is upstairs sleeping. He starts screaming, she runs upstairs after having a weird experience with the local pack of coyotes.
Blah, blah, blah. Basically (SPOILER MA' FACKUZ!) the earth is being invaded by aliens. They've sent the indiginous animal life to our planet via spores in the rain. The spores bring a crazy form of fungus down that drives people crazy and brings the dead from their graves. Sounds cool, right? Aliens, zombies, mystery, the end of the world. Winner!
But it's not a winner. People get posessed (we're never told why, exactly) and the only beings that can tell the difference are dogs with magical powers. Kids can't be posessed. It's just a cluster. I'm getting pissed thinking about it. In the end, it turns out the aliens weren't aliens. But Satan. Satan and his big space ship. Invading the earth.
Dean wouldn't shut up about God n' shit throughout the entire book. Very preachy.
Now, Undead. Not nearly as bad as the book, but a huge let down none the less. I heard awesome stuff about it. That's what I get for listening to fat crack addicts. Here's the premise:
Town is struck by meteors. Meteors turn people into zombies. Intense poison rains make people sick/turn into zombies. Zombies want brains. Sounds like a by the book zombie flick, right?
Enter the Aliens. Who are apparently 'curing' this town. Of what? The same poison rain that they brought. I can't even explain the story. I CAN'T. Other than than: The rain/Aliens/Zombies are strangely familiar from The Taken.
The zombies are cool, but I still don't understand what the Aliens were doing. I don't effing get it! No anal probes. Nothing. Just turning people into zombies, beaming them up into the sky like a buncha hovering Jesus', then bringing em' back down to earth.
The worst part? They totally set it up for a sequel.
In happier news, Arrested Development: Season Two, is now out on DVD!