Outside of this old apartment building, a limosine is idling. Having arrived under a shroud of darkness and mystery. The rear door opens. Out steps an aged man, wearing a suit that had just been pressed this morning. He straightens his jacket and wipes the tears from his cheeks.There's a knock at my door. I'm not expecting anybody. I don't think. I can't remember, since this week I've experience what a lot of people call "missing time". I've had trouble spelling words and comprehending dental hygiene. And the headaches coupled with an irresistible urge to get a hold of my cousins. My god.
I answer the door. Immediately my forehead is in the grips of an old strong hand. It belongs to an old man. His glasses reflect the fear in my face. His tears tell me he doesn't want to hurt me. Then I understand.
"Demons....BE GONE!!!" I'm shoved backward. I fall to the ground in a heap of relief.
"Mr. Swaggert! Thank you! THANK YOU!" I sob and sob. "No problem my child. It was the will of the Lord...plus Ramcrisp is REALLY fucking annoying. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a limo full of prosti...umm...orphans that I must tend to."
With that, Jimmy Swaggert spun on his heels and disappeared into the night. As did Ramcrisp...I hope.
Anyway, congrats to Amber Alert for taking the title this week. Everyone was above .500, but somebody's got to wear the cookie duster. Thanks to Mr. Tom Selleck for loaning his out.
Oh, and thanks again to Mr. Slag for his super boss grid.
5 comments:
No more Ramcrisp? Alas, it was all too brief. He reminded me of some of my lesser seen relatives.
Wait, that's probably a good thing he's gone, huh?
Oh yeah. Undead. Now there are two hours of my life I'd like back.
I bought a Australian copy a full year before it was released here in the Northern Americas. Watched it. I mean, the guy with the three-shotguns wired together was even lame (I mean, outside of him having three-shotguns wired together. That was cool). But yeah, I was disappointed. As I recall, Emily fell asleep. And it takes a lot of crap in a zombie movie to disappoint us.
...And yet... it still remains on my shelf... Huh. Guess I’m just too weak. I have to introduce Emily to “Dead Alive” here in the next week, I think. That’ll make up for that piece of trash.
I not only fell asleep, I fell asleep in the middle of a string of profanity laden "This fucking thing had so much fucking potential and now it fucking sucks and it won't fucking end and I'm tired of this fucking Australian piece of shit..." something like that. I just gave up and lost consciousness eventually. And Kevin's right, when it comes to zombies, it's not like one's standards are ridiculously high. So if this movie was capable of disappointing me to the point I wanted to fling dog crap at my own TV set, that says something. Something...I'm nodding off again...
I hope you haven't already watched it, RyCrisp. We should have taken advantage of the fact we had an advanced copy and issued public warnings of the suck. But, alas...
Oh man. You guys inspired me to write that post. What a CRAP FEST.
Dead Alive? Holy crap. I never thought of lawn mowers the same way again.
Hi Chris. You can wake up now. You're drooling in your stache.
Next post I'll be covering the softest Kleenex to dry tears. And the best solution to content a crying baby.
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